Journeys : Episode 27

Tara

I say goodbye and enter our home, the boys waiting for me. The moment they see me, the three of them break into a giggle. Seriously, Kannamma? I'm split between giving out an obvious blush or yelling at them and skillfully suppress both and try to walk into the washroom. I wash myself, change and as I walk out into the living room, more giggles. "Amma did you have..." and Kathir giggles. Adi rolls his eyes "cant even talk, this kid, Amma did you have a date with KP?" And all three of them erupt into laughter. Very very mature you kids. Half of me wishes I could join them in their laughter, be a part of that gang. But then, I'm a parent and I need to act like one atleast some times of the day. 

"Yes.." and I try to keep my face straight. Adi wipes the tears from his face and opens his mouth "Amma did you have fun?" What? Why did the conversation turn so mature all of a sudden? "Yes Adi, it was fun" "we had fun too with kannamma." Yeah I can see that you kids, you and your giggle gang. We talk about the movie for a while and what each of us ate, Adi and Kathir asking questions like "Amma did KP pull out the chair for you? Did he open the door?". Is this the moment I talk about Aarnav? No. It can wait until morning. Our conversation goes on into midnight and only when Kannamma starts yawning do we realise it's late. I tuck the boys in and go to my room. I lie down on my bed, open my kindle and even before i finish a page, my eyes automatically shut and i drift off into deep sleep after what feels like years.

I think I slept too long, because the moment I wake up, I already here voices from downstairs. I brush, freshen up and join them and they are busy discussing lunch menu. I sit down, and I think now is the moment to start the Aarnav conversation. "So Adi, Aarnav's dad had called" his face brightens and wilts at the same time, and I slowly tell him about the badminton academy. "You can think and tell me Adi, there is no hurry." I think if it is right to make an almost eleven year old to make decisions, arent they too young. But then, I have also seen that children have the most unique perspectives about everything, and I want to hear from Adi what he wants. 

"I dont want to go Amma, I want to stay here". "Adi if this is about leaving all of us..." he stops me mid way. "Its not about that Ma, its about my coach, I cant leave him and go" I look at him with pride. He was right. His coach has been with him since he was five, and even now, he joins some of his physiotherapy sessions. I didnt think of him at all, but Adi was right. He has always brought the best out of Adi and we are grateful. I nod my head at Adi, and my face breaks into a wide smile before I put the next question to him. "Hey Adi, Aarnav wants to talk to you, do you want to too?". I dont know if I saw a twinkle in his eyes, or if they disappeared too soon, and I instantly regret having asked him that question. "I want to talk to him Amma, yes". 

We all get up from the table and the boys go upstairs, I help kannamma clean, and take my mobile and sit down. Hi pops up a message, its KP. Hi, whats up? Need to tell you something. Hm? My visa interview is scheduled for next Thursday. I want to say late news, but i just send a thumbs up and good luck KP. Thanks he says. Sometimes you dont need to be told when a conversation is closed. 

Journey's: Episode 26

Tara

We sat there at the dinner table facing each other, my mind still replaying the conversation with Aarnav's dad. He seemed to be a good hearted person, having taken the trouble to contact me. "There is a badminton academy here, I want to enrol him, but he feels its a good place for Adi also to be. The training is very structured and they also have their own regular school and balance badminton and academics. Our company has tie ups with them, and mam you may want to consider sending Adi, I can save a place for him". If Adi was in good health, he wouldnt need anyone saving a place for him, I wanted to say. But he seemed to have called with good intentions. I explained the last couple of weeks of our family and he seemed very compassionate. He said I could send Adi whenever he was ready. All this was ok, but there was one thing, perhaps thats why he had called me, that Aarnav wanted to talk to Adi. 

"Hey Tara, everything ok?" "Yes yes. Everything is. I need some soup" i didnt want to start or relay the conversation with Aarnav's dad to KP. I mean not that he would not listen or that I'm not comfortable sharing it with him, but just that I wanted to have some conversation with him outside of all this. I will eventually deal with everything, just the matter of time, but dinner out doesnt come by that often. "Hey Tara, do you like it here?" "Yes yes the food here is very good" "oh no no. I meant do you like Qatar, as in the life here". 

Our soup was served and as the hot fluid slid down my throat, I felt some kind of a new energy emanating from within. "Yes, I like it here. So many things, the culture, the strict rules, the hot summers and the windy winters, my job, the home that we live in is just perfect and going back there every night makes me feel belonged. I know everything is a routine, you may call it monotonous, but every day has its own challenges and in my capacity, I do my best and I am glad we go through to the next day. I love it here"

I look at him unable to read his expression, I mean was it some kind of a test? I move on to the other dishes and we have some light talk, some passing jokes (I actually laughed loud for a couple of them) and even before we realise, its time to leave. He asks for the bill and I take my phone out to call Kannamma to ask if they are home, only to find my phone switched off. "Hey KP, I need to call Kannamma, my phone is blank". He hands me over his phone "2507 is the password, I'll pay the bill and wait outside, you finish talking and come" "I wont be long KP". I go to the restroom and wash my hands, take his phone and enter the password. The homescreen has a message notification and I accidentally open it - your visa interview is scheduled for.... I feel embarrassed, mark the message as unread and call Kannamma. They were home and waiting for me. 

Journeys : Episode 25

KP

"Hey KP are you free for dinner this weekend?" I read and re read until I could see the text in white everytime my eyes blinked. Not that I'm being judgmental, but there is this little set of butterflies in my stomach. I never thought about this in detail, it was a spur-of-the-moment question. I mean, she was free to say NO to me, at any point of time, so I'm going to respect her decision and my own feelings, and well let the butterflies linger. Talking about feelings, there isn't anything concrete yet, but maybe something very light, yes yes some butterflies and thats it. I wait for the day to pass, so I can meet Tara again when we go home, and talk more to the butterflies inside me. 

I wait by my car and she's walking very very slowly, holding on tight to the strings of her backpack. I could run to her and hold her hand, but she likes walking that way, I've noticed. She likes to have those few moments of maybe what peace-with-herself instances, and the way her face glows those times is just magical. One could just keep watching her do that. Okay KP, stop. "Hi KP, have you been waiting for long?" I smile and shake my head. "Lets go Tara". My heart is now pacing fast, wondering what to talk about and she starts talking "hey KP, can we go for dinner Thursday night? The kids and kannamma are going for movie and dinner, just check and let me know" Like my social calendar is full. I nod my head and we continue to talk about things that have no bearing in our lives. 

The thing I like about Tara is she never makes me feel uncomfortable, because between her and me there are so many things. Like she's my best friend's wife and we lost him only sometime back. Im not bothered about what anyone else would say, I just want to make sure I dont hurt her, or myself in the process. Good thing is she also knows how to say NO, but whether I'm in a place to take that NO is an entirely different subject. Lets deal with that when it comes. For now, I just have to plan for Thursday night. As days pass, I'm getting more jittery. Its Thursday and I have to pick her up at 7. 

I park my car at her parking, walk towards the door and push it slightly and it opens. I walk inside the hall and sit on the sofa "hey Tara I'm here". "I'll be down in a couple of minutes KP. Almost done". I sit on the sofa not knowing what to do. I look at the photo frame at the table beside, the four of them laughing at some joke, Hridhay's hair flying with the wind, Adi's face on Hridhay's shoulder, Kathir and Tara holding hands. I could almost hear them laugh, each of their voices distinct, what a perfect moment. I touch my friend's face, as though I would feel the warmth of his skin. "Im sorry KP.." I turn to look at her, at the top of the stairs, and that instant im transported to the present, to where I am and where we are. 

She looked radiant, taking every step with confidence, her eyes looked clear and maybe did carry a little twinkle. I walk to the end of the stairs to greet her and she shakes my hand and looks at me. She fixes the collar of my tshirt and I laugh. She smiles, looking deep into my eyes and puts her hand on my chest. My heart has been racing as it is, and this sent it to tachycardia. I put my hand on hers, and my heart steadied. I take her hand l, give it a squeeze and look into her eyes. Yes, her eyes did twinkle. She moved towards me, closing in on the inches between us. I feel her warmth radiating, she brings her face forward and pecks my cheek. I let it linger, sinking inside the moment we are in and take her face in my arms. That instant, her phone rang, and im sure people even three blocks down could hear it.

She takes a deep breath and runs to her phone and I look at her (thankfully my hands aren't still in the air cupping the face that was there moments back). I try to overhear and there are only parts that I can. I'm sorry may I know who this is...? .... how can i help you? some ooos and aaas. And finally, please give me some time. She takes her bag, puts her phone inside and walks. Neither the glow, nor the twinkle in her eyes still there. "Hey Tara, everything okay?" "Yes yes. Everything is okay. It was Aarnav's dad". 

Journeys : Episode 24

Tara

Its been a two weeks since I got back to work and finally back home we have a new routine in place. Im healing every day every minute, and the people around me help me heal. I'm at the kitchen helping Kannamma and somehow I cant resist myself from bringing this conversation up. "Kannamma, did it never ever strike you to go looking for him?" She looks at me, wipes a sweat bead off her forehead and smiles, shaking her head. "But why not?" I keep poking her, although I know I'm invading into a deep personal space. She doesnt answer me, she continues what she is doing and I move away. This is the time of social media and every now and then I read stories of people being found. I know he's going to have a family, moved on in life, but if he did feel the same way about her the way she does for him.... my thought wavers. I get ready and hear KP parking his car. 

We pick our bags, say goodbye to the boys and leave. Somehow I look forward to the morning ride to work. Few days we drive in silence and the rest of the days we keep talking without stopping, but the thing is, the silence is no longer uncomfortable. "So KP, if you want to go back to one part of your lifetime, which one is it? Just one." He looks at me giving me one of his ever radiant smile "school obviously". "Whats obvious in that?" "Because school paves way for all firsts and those things just don't leave our hearts right. First teacher, first punishment, first best friend, first gang, first crush, first heartbreak... school gives us all these memories. I would want to go back to school and live through all of these again. Like the world depended only on these little things." 

"So you want to shy away from responsibility, dont you KP?" I laugh. "Judge me all you want, but thats my answer. I dont know about you, but to me, my most memorable moments are all from school. And they always make me smile. It is always easy to continue a friendship from school after years of silence, have you ever wondered why?" "Yes I do. Maybe because they have seen the most obnoxious side of us and nothing in us can get more gross growing up?" "Ha ha. That too. I feel its because our school friendships are more unconditional, bare minimum expectations out of each other. As we grow, the number of friends that turn into friendship reduce, and finally we stop making friends. So I want to go back to school where my friends ceased to grow up and be myself for a little while longer" "but KP, with experience and age, dont we grow more open? Our thoughts and ideas, shouldnt it be more easier to make friends?" 

"Thats the logical way of life we think. But fact is, we get more closed as we grow old. We can accept thoughts, ideas and even drastic changes in the way of our living, but when it comes to taking people into confidence, we remain our same old judgmental selves." We reach and I get down from the car and say goodbye to him, letting our conversation linger. To be honest to myself, I feel better during the car ride, feel refreshed, but during the three minute walk I take from his building to mine, thats peace. "Hey Tara, will you go for dinner with me this weekend? Or next? Or whenever?" I look at him, with a blank expression. "You can answer later, whenever you feel like and whatever you feel like". I nod my head and hold on to my backpack tightly. As I walk along, the sound of birds chirping makes me smile, makes me want to whsitle my favourite tune and the wind blowing across my face, caress my cheeks conversing with my heart a million unsaid conversations. I reach my desk, pull out my phone, and my instinct types "Hey KP, are you free for dinner this weekend?". I put my phone back into the draw, open my laptop and immerse my head into a day long madness. Or at least I thought I did. 

Journeys : Episode 23

Tara

I look at her eyes twinkle with pride and wonder what sort of an iron woman would it take to not just raise an infant by herself, but make her own identity without any foundation at all. My respect for her grew multifolds. "I am now happy with the life I have. Happy is a deep word, maybe I should say contented. Good or bad, my life has been based on my choices, forced or instinctive. We all have regrets in life, in a corner of my heart is still the guy who boarded the train saying goodbye to me. A part of me still longs for him and thinks of the life that would have been, but I guess we've all come too far from there. Life moves on Tara" I look at her and nod my head. She was right. Life moves on. 

We get up from the table and I rush to get myself and Kathir ready and we come down to have breakfast. "Hey Tara, good morning!" I hear KP from the table. He's helping Kannamma pack the boxes and we are all set to leave. I hug Adi to say goodbye and he's rolling his eyes. Kathir's bus picks him up. I climb into KP's Range Rover, fasten my seatbelt and hold on tight to it. He looks at me puzzled, yet not questioning anything. "Shall we go Tara?". "Yes". My heart races and I feel like a school kid on her first day of school. "Its gonna be okay Tara, you are great at your work". "Hmmm". We continue in silence as he drove with caution. "Hey KP, drive like you always do, I'm good". He nods his head, rams his feet on the pedal and finally I understand he's comfortable to drive me. I need to finish a conversation with KP so we can drive in peace the next days. 

"KP.. im sorry. I've been wanting to talk to you since I left you behind at the hospital, somehow the courage never came". My hands tremble as I reach for my water bottle and KPs eyes well up. "He was a dear friend to you, I must say he never saw you as someone outside the family. You were always on top of his mind". Tears rolled down his face and he cleared his throat to speak. "I'm sorry Tara, this must be the hardest for you. I've never lost a friend and I've never even had to think about how it would feel to outlive a friend. I cannot let go that he had an unfulfilled life. He had so much in store and it all had to end abruptly. At the hospital when I saw him, there was only one thought. It should have been me not him."

"KP, its not your fault he is not here anymore. It is no one's fault. I'm not going to use big words and say maybe you have a purpose to be alive or whatever. More than you, I wish he were here and none of this had really happened. But it has and we have to confront this. I want to hold on to the best memories that I have of him and somehow work around the void he left us with. That is what Hridhay would want for all of us. Holding on to the survivor's guilt isn't going to help any of us. Do you know KP, Kannamma lost her husband when her son was just eight months old?". "I know Tara. She told me about her past life. She is an inspiration". 

We talk about Kannamma for sometime and the Range Rover pulls into our mini city. "KP I'll get down at your block and walk". He nods. I wave my hand and start walking towards my block. To me, always, every conversation needs to be spoken and complete. I hold on to the strings of my backpack and walk slowly, letting the thoughts tread. If only Hridhay were here life would have been entirely different. Well he isn't anymore, and like Anna sings in the most beautiful way "I follow you around

I always have, but you've gone to a place I cannot find, This grief has a gravity
It pulls me down, but a tiny voice whispers in my mind 'You are lost, hope is gone but you must go on and do the next right thing' " I will take a step forward, right or wrong for better or worse I don't know, but I will take that step. 

Journeys : Episode 22

Tara

My Fenix wakes me up and it takes a while for me to comprehend that today is the day I'm getting back to work. I brush my teeth and walk to the kitchen to find kannamma up and already at the kitchen cooking. "Your coffee is here Tara.." wow. If I was looking for motivation to get back to work, it cant get any better than this. I feel like I have all the time in the world, sipping my coffee and looking at Kannamma work meticulously. How does she feel to leave her family behind and stay with us? Not a day have I seen her face sulk or be moody, what does it take for someone to completely mask what is inside and be totally someone else outside? I walk to her and put my hands on her shoulders. "Kannamma come have coffee with me". She looks at me, puzzled, fills her cup and we sit at the kitchen table opening an endless conversation. 

"So kannamma, how many of you in your family? Im sorry I have never asked you this before..." "its okay Tara, we didnt meet at the best of circumstances. I have a son, he is married and living in Delhi with his family. My husband died when my son was eight months old..." I look at her eyes to find something but there is absolutely no emotion in her face. "I'm sorry Kannamma..." "no no dont be. I died long before he did..." I put my hand on hers, trying to reassure her. What does one say at such times? I think of Hridhay, hold her hand and let her talk. "I went to school like everyone else and fell in love, much like the textbook girl. I cant exactly explain what we shared, but we were together, bringing the best in each of us for eight years. Both of us finished school with flying colors and he had got selected with the Short Service Commission. I was supposed to go to college to do my graduation and  masters and I had decided to wait for him. He duly wrote letters to me, and I responded to every one of them, trying to bring my life alive in front of him and make him sense me in every letter. Everything went fine until my dad caught hold of one of the letters, and it wasn't one of those letters that you'd want your dad to read" a tiny tear drop had welled in the corner of her eyes. 

"There was denial at first, every conversation involved this and finally, against my will, they were going to get me married to my maternal uncle. I knew my uncle since birth, we were fifteen years apart, his wife had left him for someone else, but my uncle was a very decent person, there was nothing bad about him at all, but I loved someone else. Eventually I did marry my uncle..." I look at her eyes fill with anger, frustration and helplessness. "We got married and moved to Delhi. I told him about my affair and thought that would make him hate me. But nothing did. He never asked me for anything, we used to live in the same house like strangers for many months. And then, like every human being, my desire for flesh company could not be suppressed. I always thought I could have sex only with the one I loved, but that day I understood that sex and being in love were entirely different entities."

"Our conversations never grew, we knew very little of each other, we continued to live under the same roof, neither of us having the strength to break whatever relationship was left in between both of us. And then, we found out I was pregnant. Nothing changed after that too, we remained to be the same, and then our boy was born. Life changed for me, I had chosen to bring this being to life, and I would love him with all my might. When our boy was eight months, my uncle died in an accident. Turned out that he had written all his life insurance and bank savings with me. One half of me didnt want to use any of it, but the other half looked at my child and decided to take every rupee that came out of it. I started baby sitting neighbors kids and slowly the numbers grew and I turned it into a full fledged day care. Its been twenty five years now". Her eyes swelled with pride. 

Journeys : Episode 21

Tara

The morning feels weird, the table is full of people yet the house seems empty to me, the walls reverberating my loneliness. The boys are having an animated discussion with Dee and KP. Dee is this wonder woman with kids, the one aunt you would go to. I'm so glad for her. I focus myself back into the conversation and hear KP asking me when I'd get back to work. Yes, life has to move on, I realise. "Soon KP,  just hold forte". I have to sort out a couple of things before starting work. I need to enrol Adi into therapy, to set the home... and most importantly to grieve. We finish breakfast and I start cleaning the table, Dee walks upstairs with the kids and KP walks to the table. He helps me clean up in silence, giving me the occasional glances, and I am not in mood to start any conversation with anyone. 

Weeks pass, Dee is back home and we are getting better. There is a new routine in Hridhay's absence. Yes i can now utter his name without crying, although I do cry at random times. I want to get back to work, why is the first step always the hardest? Yes I will. Next week onwards. Adi and I go to therapy together. Kathir keeps him up to date with school and Kannamma and KP keep me going. Mainly by giving me the solitude I need. I know this is an escape from reality and what not, but I need this. Its the last weekend before I get to work and I walk to Hridhay's cupboard to organize it. The only thing that needs to be done now. 

I open the cupboard and a million memories hit me. I stand there, paralyzed, not able to move or even blink. I caress my fingers along the shirts that were once worn by Hridhay, the scent of him still lingering around there. The green one that he wore the night before our wedding, the pink one that he wore the first time we went for a movie. More than memories, the shirts kept hitting back at me, that there once lived a man who wore all these. As tears roll down my eyes, I hear a knock at the door. "....Tara I'm sorry the driver is cancelling out. I can drive you till we find another one..." and stops his sentence as he looks at me. "Wait let me give you a hand, move over" and he pulls me out of the cupboard. 

"What exactly were you trying to do Tara?" "I want to pack all of Hridhay's clothes and give them away. Thats the only thing that I need to do before getting back to work". "Hey can I take some?" I look at him trying not to show my judgements on my face. "Sure why not?". I move away as he picked one of the shirts and wore them on top. I try to look away, but somehow my gaze is pulled towards the bottle green shirt that he is trying on and as he buttons them up and lifts his eyebrows, I look at him, shell shocked. I nod my head, to the one obvious question his eyes meant and  to the hundred confusing questions my heart raised. "Looks good on you KP" was all I could manage. As I raise my hands to make a thumbs up, my Fenix vibrated, holding my wrist tight. Move, it said.

Journeys : Episode 20

In case you're still reading, thank you so much. You keep me going. 

Tara

I toss, turn keep looking at my watch and finally it is time for Dee to come. Except for times like these, I dont believe in telepathy, cause that precise instant I hear knocking. I run to the door, maybe over the years I've grown too dependent on her? I open the door to see her standing, looking deep into my eyes. Sometimes, we dont need words to converse, to exchange thoughts, to understand each other. She walks in, drops the luggage and hugs me tight. I resist my tears, I dont want the grief to leave me, but somehow they deny me and come out, minute by minute, regrets from the past and the uncertainty the future holds. "Its okay to cry Tara.. just let it go". And I cry in silence as she makes coffee for me at 1a.m. despite her tiresome flight. What would one converse? Neither of us wanted to ask meaningless questions. "Here take this, only milk for you, im sure you didnt eat last two days". I look at her and many a times wonder if this is my little sister or my mom or my grandmom. 

She takes a sip of her coffee and starts talking "im going to be here for two weeks Tara" "no Dee you dont have to, il be okay" "yes you will be okay. Thing is I have to see you okay to be in peace". A weak smile finds its way through my face. "See Tara, im not great with words, but I'll try to put my thoughts in the best ever possible way. All of us go through loss, we lose grand parents, parents, friends, babies. The only thing common is the life we've had with all of those people, long or short. We have memories. I know, the would-have-beens are the best. Thats a perfect life. But someday, our life will turn perfect in its own way too. Together with all the memories. Lets not think about anything now. Let us grieve Hridhay, the  loving husband, the dad, my annoying brother in law. Once we are done, we will have those myriad memories we made with him standing out. And probably soon, we will be in peace recollecting them."

I lean on her shoulders and cry for my future that was snatched away from me. I wipe my face and look at her "I know Dee, I have to be okay for the kids. They need me" "No you don't Tara. You need to be okay for yourself. They are kids, they adapt very fast. It is you who is going to hurt more." She was right. And Hridhay said this too, that we always need a life of our own. I nod my head. "Hey do you remember the night before your wedding? You guys wanted to sneak out?" More tears flow down my eyes as I think of our conversation that moonlit night. "I hated Hridhay back then. I did the rain check only for you, I secretly wished you'd get caught though" and i laugh. She smiles at me, and continues talking. Of what a reckless family we've been the last years, reminding me that life didnt always have to be perfect. We sat there, our mugs drying, talking for hours and I look at my little sister with so much gratitude, just for being there. If you had asked me yesterday, if I wanted a future or what it is going to be, I would have been blank. But now, with my sister by my side, the fog seems to clear a bit. I may not still see a crystal clear path, but I'm willing to open my eyes now and look for something. 

There's light outside the window and I hear a doorbell. Dee runs before me to get it and KP stands at the door with breakfast for all of us. 

--to be continued--

Journeys : Episode 19

Tara

We hear the sound of sirens and I nudge the boys to wait here while I go down. I had asked Dee not to come for the funeral, I did not want Hridhay to wait for anyone in the state he was. I did not want anyone else ti be there, we wanted family time before we bade goodbye to Hridhay. I run to the door and four men rush to bring Hridhay out. KP nudges one of them and takes his place to bear his friend on his shoulders. They lift the coffin very gently and place him in our living room. All of them step out and I hold KP'S hands asking him to stay. I go up and get the kids down. As I walk down the stairs, I am worried about Adi, of how he is going to face this. As we assemble as a family for one last time, the boys kneel down next to Hridhay and sob. I sit beside them and look at what is left over of Hridhay's face. We spend the next moments in silence and I nod at KP. He wipes his tears and comes forward to sit beside me. The pall bearers come in and join KP and gently lift Hridhay to take him away from us, to take him away into eternity. 

So what is death? Is death only to the soul that has parted? Death is for the alive more than for the dead. For it takes along unfulfilled promises, unfinished stories, unspoken conversations and an unlived life. To me Hridhay was my past, present and my future, and as he is being taken away from me, I wonder how my future seems, but more than the uncertainty of our future, it is denial to confront that from now Hridhay is only part of my past.

The boys and I sit on the sofa, Kannamma huddling all of us. Times like these, I just want to be a child again, having this blind faith that Amma's hug or kiss can make miracles. I miss Amma more than anyone and maybe up there Amma Appa and Hridhay are cracking their own set of jokes. Adi and Kathir are tired, I give them some food and ask them to try and sleep for a while. I take my phone, to type my heart out to the one person who I always lean on and theres a single message from her. Im coming. 

Journeys : Episode 18

Tara

Somehow I dont feel anything, as though my heart has frozen and there are no tears flowing. It feels surreal, that Hridhay is no more. I feel like an infant left alone in the middle of a jungle, what should I do? Adi and Kathir. I must get to them. Oh Hridhay, arent you the one who always does the big talks? Why should I do this now? The doctors and nurses are around and they ask me to leave. I walk out of the trauma care unit and look at KP. He looks at me, wishing I would be the bearer of hope. I nod my head and look down. He shakes his head in denial, puts his hands on his face and breaks down. I sit next to him, not knowing what to do. The doctors come out and tell us that they need some time to 'prepare' him. I need to see the kids. KP volunteers to stay behind and bring Hridhay home for the last time. 

I walk out of the hospital, not looking at anyone or anything, my mind full of questions to God, if at all the supreme being exists. Perhaps they can wait, because Adi and Kathir are first. I get into the cab and rush home. I reach and Kannamma opens the door. "Adi and Kathir are upstairs, come you eat first, you look terrible" and I hear a faint conversation from upstairs. "Kannamma... Hridhay... accident..." "oh God, how is he now? i hope there is nothing to worry.." i hold her hands tight and shake my head. "He's left us Kannamma..." and tears roll down her eyes. I let go of her hands and gather all the energy to climb up the stairs. 

I cannot crumble this time, I need to hold on. I need to stand in front of the kids and be the father that they are going to miss. We have a lifetime ahead of us, I will stay strong. I open the door and both of them look at me. "Did you eat?" "Yes ma, boring dal". I walk towards them and sit on their cot. "Adi, Kathir..." and I hold both their hands tight. "Appa has had an accident. It was too painful for him and he decided to leave us." I see shock in both their faces, and the instinct to ask a myriad questions. I wait patiently to hear them. "When will they bring him home ma? Can I hug him one last time" "yes adi and kathir. You can. In sometime". The boys lean on me and wail, and I sit there holding them, in incapacity, not able to offer words or reasons.The three of us are embraced in a silence that kept communicating. Kathir breaks himself away, wipes his tears, puts his hands on my cheek and says "amma we are there, together. We are there for you amma. Please be okay. I cannot see you at the hospital again, I need you Amma" and holds me tight, not wanting to let go. All the tears that were inside started flowing seamlessly. Me and my boys. Our lives ahead dancing in front of me in hazy patterns. That is later, future, but for now, we have to grieve. I hugged them back in the tightest way ever possible and let go of every emotion I had been holding. 

Journeys : Episode 17

Tara

"...we cant say anything more right now" the words reverberated in my ears, my heart pacing. What do I tell everyone? I cant tell the kids anything. I look at Kannamma and she spots the worry in my eyes. I nod my head lightly and blink my eyes, she nods her head in return. "Change of plans, I need to go for work now, some emergency, Kannamma...." the kids are disappointed, but for now that is the least of my worries. I take a cab and rush to the emergency. The ride feels endless, and the thoughts dont stop. KP please be okay, I dont want anything to happen to you. We will care for you. We will help you recover from everything. We are there. Just be okay. 

I am just fed up with hospitals, why can't one have a normal life? Is a dinner too much to ask for? I think of Adi and Kathir, the disappointment in their faces. We are going to make up to you baby. And what about my own set of disappointments? Tara whats wrong with you, someone is at the emergency, and you are worrying about a missed dinner? I put my hand inside my bag to fetch my phone and damn, I cant find it. Its not there. It must have fallen down somewhere in the hassle. I can call Hridhay after reaching hospital. I only hope the hospital people dont call again, because I dont want the kids to know anything. Well, for now. 

I reach finally, and run out of the car, along the too familiar corridor and the dates trees, and the crowds who are always too busy in their own worlds, with their own set of worries. I reach the emergency desk and produce my ID "I'm Tara, I received a call on my mobile a couple of minutes back asking me to come immediately" "please wait mam, let me talk to the doctor". She takes her phone and speaks in heavy Arabic as I look at her, listening intently for any English word that could give me any information, any small ray of hope. God please let KP be okay, please please. 

The front desk officer finally finished talking and tells me "come with me Ma'm". Im very scared. Hridhay, where are you when I need your hand to hold? Not just to walk steadily but just to know you are with me. I am asked to sit outside the doctor's cabin and I watch the commotion around. I wonder what is commotion to us is normal life for people here. I keep uttering a prayer, placing my hands on my eyes, shutting the world away. In a few seconds, I feel warm hands on my shoulders, finally Hridhay here you are. As I open my eyes, I see KP standing in front of me, in life and skin, and reality hit me like a blowing tornado, shattering whatever it passes through. 

"Tara...." I want to breakdown, I want to go into a deep slumber that everything passes and when I wake up everything is okay. "Tara, the doctors are here, lets go..." we move in, and the doctor speaks "I'm sorry ma'm, there is nothing we can do. He's fighting his best, but we cant do anything. There is too much bleeding in his skull and multiple fractures. I'm sorry mam you can go in and see him" I walk out and KP walks with me. I nod my head and ask him to wait outside and enter into the emergency ward. I look at Hridhay, unrecognizable, and go beside him. His eyeballs are in rapid movement inside his closed eyelids. I take his hand and hold him and look at his closed eyes, the eyelids settle down, and a calm spreads on his face. "Hridhay..." i call out, and the flat line on the monitor answered me that my husband is no more. 

Journeys : Episode 16

Tara

Its been a week since Shravya left and things are getting back to normal at home. Kathir started school and he's trying to teach Adi what he's missing (Adi seems the least interested though). Soon we will start physiotherapy for Adi, he's really looking forward to that. He still has his dull moments at home, but Kathir makes it up to him. Hridhay is busy at work with punishing deadlines and I see him only to say goodnight. But hey, these are good times, like a normal life and I am glad I have to complain only about such mundane things in life. I wonder when I can get back to work, its been a month now, but Adi needs me for some more time. Or is it that I need him more? Either way, I'm going to stay home for some more time.

I take my phone out and text "hey KP, you ok?" It immediately changes to a blue tick but boom he goes offline. I mean he need not reply to every other message of mine, but you-ok-messages need immediate attention. I put my phone down and walk around the house for a while and my phone beeps. "If you could call it so, I've been better". Maybe the blue tick and the blank screen was way better? "Come home for dinner?" "K". I walk up to Adi's room and he's sleeping peacefully. The medicines take a toll on him, but he's been doing great.

Ring goes my phone and I even before I look at the screen, I know who it is. "Hey Hridhay, what's up?" "I was missing you" "do you have a power breakdown at work?" He laughs. His laughter is so open, so full of life, and even beyond the exhaustion in him, I can feel where the laughter comes from. "What are you thinking Tara?" "Wondering when I can have a face to face conversation with you, hm?" "Thats a nice thing to think of. I wont spoil the suspense for you" "not at all funny" and I try to suppress my giggle like a school girl. "Hey OK, power restored, lets all go out for dinner, usual place, il meet you all there, bbye" and he disconnects the line and goes incognito. Even before you ask (and im sure you're used to it more than me by now) yes all includes KP.

After four trials, KP calls me back and I tell him the changed plans. I walk to Adi's room and he's awake by now. "Hey Adi... appa just called.. we're all going for dinner tonight" i look at his face for some brightness but his face falls. "Hey Adi, are you not okay? If you dont want to go, its fine, we can stay home" and then his face brightens. "No Amma, I want to go. Thats the only way I can fix what happened the last time we went for dinner. We will all come back happy this time"

Hours pass and its time to get ready. I click pictures of three dresses and send it over to my Dee and my girl gang. "Dinner tonight. Which one? Maybe special night ;)" Dee : why didnt we shop for this night? My girl gang : send pics of lingerie too you girl. I laugh loud. Here are two sets of people who always remind me where I belong. "Come onnnn.. i need a definitive answer". "Navy blue" goes all votes. I dress up, we are all ready and as I take my phone to book a cab, it rings. "Hello, we're calling from PHCC emergency, who is this?" "This is Tara" "we got your number from his last dialled contact. There has been an accident. We cannot say more, please come immediately".

Journeys : Episode 15

Tara

I try to grasp what Shravya says, transfixed and unable to shoot further questions. There will be a lot of time to get answers because now is not the time. I need to talk to Kathir. Of all of us affected by the last weeks, Kathir is the most affected one. We all wave goodbye to KP and Shravya and get back inside our home. Somehow our home feels different today. Did we get more closer, or did we all move farther apart? Only time will tell. I grab Kathir and we sit down to talk. "Amma, Adi told me he is sorry" and tears begin to roll down his eyes. "That he jumped from the esclator. Why Amma, did he not think of me?" "Kathir, sometimes we dont think, we decide too soon, and when we realise we want to correct it, it is too late. Adi was going through a bad time, he should've spoken to you, you would've made him feel better" "I know Amma, it is Aarnav's mom. She never liked Adi. She said bad things to him" "Kathir, its over. Forget it. You are Adi's only hope. Only you can help Adi recover and bring him back to normal. Let's not bother him with the past, do you understand?" "Amma, I understand everything Amma. Everything. And I will stand by Adi, because thats what I always do." I look at my little one with pride. Sometimes they grow up too soon, dont they?

As days pass, our home turns more amicable, all of us are warm towards each other, the uncomfortable air around us is gone, we have conversations over dinner, from somewhere laughter starts making its way inside, we start looking at each other's eyes. Soon it will be our home again. Hridhay Kathir and I are getting ready to go to the airport, Adi will stay with Kannamma. We reach the airport, Geetha KP and Shravya are already there. Shravya is holding KP tight, as she sees Kathir, she runs to hug him. We make normal conversation with Geetha & KP and move away so they can talk.

"Will you and Adi email me Kathir?" Kathir nods. Somehow at such situations, Adi is much better. Geetha and KP are talking, and I realize I am no longer qualified to make a wish for anyone, because most of the times, what I want for them, or rather what looks nice, is not what they want. I just hope they find peace in whatever decisions they take. After goodbyes, Geetha and Shravya walk towards immigration. KP wipes his tears and Hridhay holds him trying to offer comfort. We walk outside, Kathir holding my hands, and that second, what KP announced a week back at the dinner table flashed across my mind and my heart started to beat faster. Is KP leaving soon too?

Journeys : Episode 14

Tara

"I thought the bad thoughts will go away with me. I didn't want them bothering me anymore, I couldn't take it. I thought everything will be over. I'm sorry Amma Im sorry Appa". I hold him tight, stroking his back. Hridhay has his hands wrapped around me and we are giving Adi the warmth no words can give. From somewhere I hear Kathir and Shravya laughing at KP's jokes. I want to close my eyes and just freeze time, not because we are in the best of times, but because the worst is over and behind us, and we have some answers with us. We have a whole life to look forward to. All of us will heal and be back to normal but for now, the conversation needs to be completed. Hridhay holds my hand and nudges me so he can talk.

"Adi, always remember, we will stand by your choices. All of us have gone through this phase of raging hormones, we didnt turn into adults from nowhere. What is important is for yourself to stand by the choices you make. You have to be strong enough for what you choose. Your body tells you what is right what is wrong, your brain acts in accordance to it. So if you feel something is right, then be firm and believe in it. And when you believe in anything strongly, we are with you. No matter what the world says" adi's shoulders ease now. Hridhay continues "and about the bad thoughts, once you find your happy space, they all go away. I know badminton was your life, its going to take time to get back, but keep working on your physiotherapy. Focus. For now, you need to recover Adi."

Adi looks at Hridhay and gives a weak nod. Finally, the mother in me spoke. "Adi, i dont know why you are not comfortable talking to us, whatever it is, I respect that. But you have Kathir. It is not about if he would understand or not, it is about Kathir listening to you and maybe he will learn to think in different perspectives. He adores you and he cant stay a moment without you. So please dont bottle things up, just talk. Will you Adi?" He gives me a weak nod again. "We trust you Adi" Hridhay walks to him and takes him upstairs.

End of the day, if you ask me if I'm happy or sad, honestly I cant say. One word is I am relieved. That we got answers for whatever we looked for and we know the way ahead. Whether its going to be easy or tough is a different conversation, but one thing is we've got each others backs and that keeps us going. I hear loud noises and the party minus Adi are walking down. Shravya runs to me and gives me a hug, a peck on Kathir's cheek and announces "Amma tells me we are going to America next week."

Journeys : Episode 13

Tara

I dont know how long I took, but weeks of grief kept coming out of me. I compose myself finally and straighten up, to talk to my husband, to the loving father. He looks at me, his gaze intent, I begin to speak and he stops me. "I know Tara." I have a thousand questions to ask him, but he waves at me, and walks out of the room. Moments later he brings Adi with him. "But Hridhay is this even the right moment to have this conversation?" "No day is better or worse. At the hospital he wanted to talk to me, but i kept telling him we need to wait for you. We need to talk this through together. Let's put the past behind us" I look at Adi, the first memory of our touch flashing through my mind. I walk near him and he holds me tight, shaking, and I hold him tight, not wanting to let go. "I'm sorry Amma" the only words he could manage.

"Adi, there will be a lifetime for us to keep apologizing and making up. I am really looking forward to that. I dont want to talk about what you did. Or if it is right or wrong. I just understand that for some reason, you have lost hope in life and I want to know how we can make your life worthwhile. In our capacity" "Amma its Aarnav" he stops to take a breath. I dont want to interrupt his thoughts. "Remember the last tournament we went to? His mom came along and you stayed behind. We were in the same room and when we were alone, he held my hand. I didnt feel bad, in fact I felt very good and I held it back. Since then what Aarnav and I have shared had brought us closer than ever. Is that wrong amma?" "Thats not wrong baby. You can hold who's hands you want to. Only if you want to"

"So couple of weeks back when I went to his place, we were holding hands and his mom didnt like it. She yelled at me calling me names that I didnt even understand and said I should never ever come near Aarnav. I came home and that was the last I saw Aarnav ever. I felt something was wrong with me, something not the right way everyone else is. I kept having bad thoughts about myself, that I drove Aarnav away. He was so happy with me Amma. So was I. I thought only Kathir could give me such happiness but Aarnav could too. But he was gone and the bad thoughts kept coming. I couldnt get them out of my head. And that day while I was waiting to get down the escalator, I jumped."

Journeys : Episode 12

Tara

"....i jumped". The words reverberated in my mind. I felt like a thousand whips lashing at me, at my emptiness. Didnt anything that I do the last ten years make an impact on Adi at all? Had he never trusted me, nor had I ever been his friend in need? How did it go past me that my baby was battling suicidal thoughts and all the while I kept looking at him, I never realised? My legs begin to shake and I lean on the wall holding KP's hand. No, I will not crumble this time. I will not fall down, I will hold myself. My sons need me and I will stand by them and stand with them. I just compose myself and KP and I wait for five mintues before making some loud irrelevant conversations and entering the room. The first face I look for is Kathir. He's pale, as though he'd been stabbed by his friend, defeated and lost, looking down at the floor. Shravya is holding Adi's hand and wondering perhaps who's problem is bigger.

"Come guys, let's have dinner" i call them. KP is helping Adi walk down, Shravya holds Kathir's hands and pulls him. We sit and the table and KP breaks the silence "so hey Tara, I wanted to talk about this when Hridhay was here, but since he isnt, I want to tell you. I gave in my resignation today. I've asked them for six months". All these words no longer matter to me. It has no effect. I dont even want to ask him reasons for his choices. I just smile and say "good luck". We have some small conversations with the kids and finish dinner. The kids go back to their room, KP goes with them, and the door bell rings.

I get up to answer and a rush of emotions pass through me as Hridhay enters. I put my arms tight around him and break down on his shoulders. I attempt to speak but only tears flow down my face, on his shirt. Words fail me, like how I failed my son when he was in need, like how I failed to offer him an ear to listen when he wanted to talk, an arm to hold on to when he was weak and depressed, a shoulder to lean on to when he was defeated and a magical hug that would have probably healed him, given him the reassurance he needed. Hridhay wraps his arms tight around me, leaning his chin on my shoulders and whispering words that I know are far from reality. "It's gonna be okay Tara".

Journeys: Episode 11

KP

"Hey KP, shall we go and get the kids? Food is ready". She holds my hand and we walk up the stairs. As we climb the stairs, we hear muffled voices coming from the room. Tara asks me not to make noise and she seems very interested to overhear what the kids are talking. I really want to bang my head on the wall because I'm so hungry and the last thing I want to listen to is a couple of tweens talking. She nods her head and enforces that I shouldnt make noise. Ok fine. Lets eavesdrop and have fun. Meanwhile let me just pray that my daughter doesnt find us here.

"...and it was me who placed the block in his way. I just want to say sorry to him". I look up at Tara and she makes a K with her hands. Okay that was Kathir talking. I raise my eyebrows and she mouths confession. Erm what exactly? Are these the kind of games kids play these days? What happened to good old Ludo and Scrabble? "Okay Shrav, you next" "No Kathir, Adi is next" "no wayyyyy" the boys pounce at her. "Ok ok. Let me speak. Just promise me you shouldn't tell anyone?" And then we hear the sound of palms hitting, the promise was sealed. "I want Amma and Appa to be happy and together with me. I really miss Appa. I have a very old picture of mine, taken at the beach, with one of my legs on appa's feet and the other on amma's. I cant find any more pictures of all of us together. I dont know why we cant be together. One day Amma told me Appa will move to a different house and I can visit him when I want to. I dont know what happened, but if I have made this happen, I want to say sorry to Appa and that I want him back."

I wanted to run into the room, but Tara held me. She shook her head. She was right. I cant break her trust yet again. Im sorry Shravya. There's a prolonged silence inside the room and Kathir breaks it "hey Adi, you next" my mind is blank. I dont want to listen to anything else. I just want to go back to my fortress, lock myself in and be the dead man I am. "Erm... i have not spoken about this to anyone. I really need both of you to promise me you wont tell anyone" again some sounds and rituals were being performed. Adi's voice is so low, i can hardly make out what he's speaking. "Kathir, I want to say sorry to you. I dont know what you are to me, from the time we were born, I'm used to you. Sharing toys, food, clothes, bed, a room... i always thought, i will never have to be without you, that you will never leave me and I will never leave you. I thought amma appa had made a promise to God that both of us will be together always and we have to fulfill it. I want to say sorry to you Kathir, because I attempted to break that promise. The other day, at the mall, I didnt trip and fall. I jumped". My heart is running fast now, and my breaths shallow. I dont have the guts to look at Tara now, I just look down and hold her hand tight, as though the strength from my palm would reach her heart.

Journeys : Episode 10

Before you start reading this, imagine me performing a Produnova routine in celebration! And most importantly, thank you so much for travelling with us :)

KP

I pack my bags as the Maghrib prayer sounds. I need to go to Hridhay's place for dinner. Today has been heavy for me. One of the longest conversations I've ever had with my boss as to why I need to go. In the end, we just agreed to disagree that this was the best place for me. I am going to work for six more months, train the next person who comes by. I really want a break before I move to Atlanta. I dont know what I'm going to do by myself, but I really need it. Maybe a couple of trips, and some volunteering work here. Today is just not the day to make any plans. I need to stop thinking and start the car now, because I have to pick Shravya and go to their place. Shravya sounded really excited to be meeting Adi and Kathir. I'm a little worried because Adi has huge stitches running along his head, his hair shaven, and this is going to be hard on her. But I've always felt Shravya is beyond her age. I can never come to terms with my baby turning into an all grown up girl.

We reach at seven and we are welcomed by Kannamma. She's a pleasant looking woman, and she's one of those people whom after you see, you feel your heart lighten. She folds her hands together to greet me and I do the same. She strokes Shravya's hair and immediately she asks her "I want you to read all the books you read to Adi and Kathir". She laughs. Tara comes down to greet us, and Hridhay is no where in sight. "Hi Tara, where's Hridhay?" "He's stuck at work, he's going to be late" oh no. I was looking forward to talking to him. It had to be this way, aint it? "Oh okay!" "Shravya, you can go up to the boys room and do whatever, do you want juice?" "No aunty, I'm good" and she sprints upstairs.

"So how's Adi?" "He's healing. There are a lot of things. His physical injuries that need to heal, by God's grace they are. The trauma that he has been through, he needs to be brought out of it. The doctors have put him on medication. They've said we cannot start any therapy now, we need to wait. Sometimes he's the most cheerful guy home, making all of us laugh, and sometimes he goes so silent that no one can get to where he is. Even Kathir is not able to reach out. That is what amazes me." "I think for now, there are too many things for all of you. We just have to trust the doctors and hope once the physical injuries are healed, we can get someone to talk to him. More than that, you need to recover too" and I look at her eyes.

She looked lost somewhere. Most of the times, all of us take mental wellbeing for granted. We squirm, we debate to reach out and seek help. My respect for Hridhay grew bounds when we had this conversation at the hospital, how he put his foot down and said Tara will take counselling no matter what anyone else says. Whenever I see Tara and Hridhay, its more natural for me to compare their lives with ours. These days, I can easily find why their marriage worked and ours didnt. Simply because they have a life between the two of them, of respect, of love, of conversations, of decisions outside the kids and that is something that we lost somewhere. And perhaps that makes all the difference in the world.

Lemuria of our home

So yes. Its out. Official. The Lemuria islands have been discovered by T1 & T2. And its right under our dining table! Welcome to our home, where our dining table is used for everything except eating. Underneath our dining table, is a world where no one can dare enter. One needs to observe constantly to decipher what it represents. If the chairs are pulled out, it's probably an excavator digging out fossils, beware, dont come near, you could be shredded! If the rear chairs are out, then its an SUV.

If you enter the table from under, then yes thats a new world. Its an air plane. If you enter from right, its Qatar Airways and if you enter from the left, its blue dart and mind you all the Amazon international shipments transit here. Im guessing its a hub. But all I make out from a distance, is that its a cockpit. There are two Ikea containers stacked beside each other, full of toy vegetables and their butts firmly rest on it. There's also a loosely hanging thread, I'm guessing its a seat belt. And they have a piece of cotton stuck underneath their lips, brace yourselves thats a microphone because now T1 is yelling "prepare for take off, fasten your seat belts" for the fourth time in succession. Even before you ask who I am, I am apparently the airhostess who gives gifts to everyone. But only after take off.

I've managed to fasten the seat belt in ky sofa, and now the pilot and copilot are in frantic argument over some of the buttons on the control panel. In few seconds, the argument escalates, and both the pilot and co pilot have thrown away the microphones and started tugging at each other's hair. Has the flight taken off?? Looks like there is a situation and the air hostess needs to attend to it. I break rules before bloodshed happens and run to the cockpit. I try to bend into the cockpit and see whats happening. "Baby whats wrong?" "im not a baby, im a pilot" "ok pilot whats wrong" "this button is the take off button" i squint my eyes to find nothing but grain patterns of wood. "Yes pilot" "no ma its the music button". This is T2 the co pilot. I point my finger to a nearby spot and try my best "maybe this is the music button, right here, co pilot" and hands begin to entangle, and my back reminds me that I am no longer designed to fit underneath tables.

The argument goes for a couple of minutes, my back screaming in protest, and finally the co pilot comes forward in his seat. Presses the button. Sings few lines of his favourite song. "See, there's music, thats why its the music button". I wish I could bang my head on top of the table, break it open, and just stand up. "Yes co pilot. Its the music button" agrees the pilot. Like what? Seriously? Did the pilot just buy that? They stick back the cotton (dont ask me with what) and the message plays "prepare for take off". I crawl back to my seat and fasten my belt. Only when I feel relieved that the flight has taken off, the crew disembark from the cockpit, pull the chairs in front, and take four cars out to play. T1 asks the inevitable question "which car are you going to ride now?". T2 immediately takes a broken clip, makes a noise with his mouth, and confirms "my keys switch the red one ON".

We did discover Lemuria, only to find it should be renamed Loony. And yeah, mind your back! (and lose your mind)

Cheers,
Hopie

Journeys : Episode 9

KP

Im glad the Eid holidays are over. What a week it has been. With Adi and Tara at the hospital and the Atlanta migration plans. Tara isnt going to be at work for three months. Who will bring breakfast for me? Doesnt she realise? On top of being alone at home, its going to be solitude at work too. Big deal. I need to inform my boss i'll be moving out so he can look for someone to fill my place. My work has been everything for me. A world where I grew up, met people, tried new things and was being encouraged to keep trying although I failed. A world where I was myself. And I have to let it go. The empire I built, or was it a fortress? I always thought that day would be the hardest but strange that life always puts things in perspective for you.

And as for Shravya, everything will have been made ready for the travel. All I have to do is go to the airport, stick my face on to the glass walls and shout goodbye like she can hear it. Why did I become so needless for everyone? I dont want to dwell on that. I have made my choice. I will join them in nine months and probably my life's next set of mistakes will begin there. So I can regret them for the rest of the life that is remaining. Im glad I can shut my mind voice now because I'm ready to go. I just need to find the keys. Oh who's ringing the bell now? "Happy birthday KP..!" And Hridhay gives me a hug. And that instant everything in my mind is cleansed. I clean my eyes to look at Tara and I cant believe my eyes. She's frail, her eyes dark and there seems to be a constant loop running in the back of her mind. "Hey Tara, you ok?" "Yeah. Sort of. Ive been better though"

"How's Adi?" "Dee sent someone to help us. She is going to stay here for sometime with us. Her name is kannamma. She is God sent. She cooks, reads tamil books for the kids and the house smells like home always." "Tara needs to rest. Also she has started going for counselling. We needed someone at home". Looking at them, my problems seem so small. So insignificant. I am so glad Tara didnt have to see Adi shudder in pain every night even without him realising it. And how tears used to roll out of his eyes. I used to hate that Tara had to fall sick at the same time. But then, trauma affects people so differently. For some, its mometary and for some its perennial. I dont know where Tara is but I wish she gets better.

"So KP, come home for dinner. You should meet Kannamma.. and the boys are eager to meet you too. Can you bring Shravya along?" Hridhay is a bright man. He knows what questions to ask. "Yes. We will be there". I lock the door and leave for work. Now is not the time to talk to Hridhay and Tara about my Atlanta plans. I get the engine revving, and yet my legs dont take me forward. Right now, there are more things pulling me backward than forward, and there are even more things that make me want to stay put.

Journeys : Episode 8

KP

I run out of the restaurant, leaving everything behind, only few words reverberating in my ears. I cant believe she hasnt told me about this. Isnt Shravya ours? Should I not be consulted before such decisions are made? I pick out a cigarette from my pocket and try to exhale all the anger within. When was she planning to tell me? After reaching the airport? Or did she plan to call me from Atlanta? I want to call her and yell at her, but somehow I overcome the urge. I cannot lose Shravya. I need her.

One of those situations where I'm caught. Neither can go forward nor backward. I just need to focus. I cannot decide things in haste. Breathe Prashanth breathe. Ok I'm going to call Geetha. "Hey Geetha, I need to talk to you" "im all ears, tell me?". My blood begins to boil, but I need to shut the emotion out. I need a conversation. A proper adult conversation. "I need to meet you, what plans do you have today?" "I'm going out in the evening. Can you come home for lunch?" Home. Somewhere between falling in love and falling apart, the word home just lost its meaning to me. "Yes il be there".

As I tug into her place, familiar smells awaken me. No Prashanth. Focus. Now is not the time to dwell in the past. Its over and you've moved on. Yes uncomfortably over. We can no longer get back, just because her jeera rice and chole smells so authentic. I should probably hire a cook and be done. She opens the door with a normal smile and the house looks cleaner than ever. "Does Shravya even live here?" She laughs at me. We settle down on the couch talking of normal things (in such a normal life we have between us). "So KP. I need to talk to you". "Of course you do. After I call you and fix this, you have to talk to me. You dont have a choice." "Listen KP, Shravya and I are moving to Atlanta. This role is something that I've been after for years, finally the opportunity has sunk in. I applied and I got it. "

I actually want to slap her, but I keep going back to the fact that I came here for a conversation. "So what am I supposed to do? Didnt we agree on a shared custody of Shravya? So how can you just distance me from her?" "OK listen. There is an opening for your profile too. But the thing is the guy is on rolls for another nine months. You can apply and Il give you a referral. You can come later. I can give you the details" "are you crazy? Should I leave my hard earned career here and just come behind you? This is what you always want right?" "See KP, I'm just giving you choices. Up to you to take them."

Choices. Sometimes I wonder if we are ever presented with the right choices in life. I wonder if most times we are blinded by prejudices, of the people around us and mostly our own. As long as everything is okay, there are no questions. The moment just one thing falls out of place kicking a chain reaction, we get reminded of our fundamentals, of the fundamental conscious choices we have made in life. And how obviously wrong they are and they can never be repaired. We have a quiet lunch, exchange some niceties and I get back home. Home again. I open the door and enter into walls of bricks. Nothing to see, no familiar smells in the air, no sounds or conversations to follow, no one to touch me, to tell me that everything is going to be okay, although it may sound very empty. I sink into my recliner, close my eyes and let go of all the emotions I've been holding all these years. I dont know when the tears ceased, but then I found myself looking for my mobile and sending a single text. Il take it.

Journeys : Epsiode 7

Tara

"Do you want to die Adi" I asked again. Tears streaming down his eyes. "Adi, its ok to let go. You cannot be in pain forever. Amma will help you." I look deep into his closed eyes as his eyeballs moved slowly from left to right and back. "I'm gonna go now Adi. I promise I will never let anything happen to you". I walk out of the ICU steady, not looking back, I enter the anteroom to change my clothes, and my legs give away. I drop down on my knees and break down, the junior doctor beside me. After fifteen minutes, I steady myself and walk out of the ICU, I run to Hridhay and sob on his shoulders. "Tara we should talk to the doctor. We need to tell him our surgery plans". We walk to the doctor's cabin hand in hand, our minds reverberating the same thoughts. "Doctor we are here to give consent for Adi's surgery". The doctor gives us a hundred forms, we duly sign them and stand up to leave so I can get back to my own hospital room. And I collapse on the floor.

I wake up, my head feeling heavy, Hridhay and Kathir by my side. I stroke Kathir's hair and he gives a weak smile at me. "Amma I was praying strong for both of you, God has answered all my prayers. Appa I told you, there is God". Pride and gratitude swells in my heart for my boys, one who fought through a fatal fall and the other who lived through all of this. I look at Hridhay with so much love for making our family what it is. The way we pull through the darkest of times brings the best in us. "Adi is gonna be okay. His recovery will be very slow. He has to miss school for a year to go to therapy, but yes he's made it." School was the last thing on my mind. We're all going home. Sometimes in life, the simplest of tasks like going home can be so complex.

Conversations with God

Today being Krishna Jayanthi, I was bombarded with abundant question bullets all morning. "Amma what is Krishna Jayanthi?" "Its Kicha Ummachi's birthday baby" "will Kicha ummachi give me a gift?" Thats a tough one. For A2, irrespective of who's birthday it is, they need to get gifts. "Erm. Maybe not baby" "why amma? No cake too?" "Yes, no cakes no gifts, and its a different kind of birthday". "Amma will he wear a new t shirt?" "Perhaps baby. If he wants to" "amma I want to see kicha ummachi, will he come home in the evening?"

At this point I need to append some philosophy. When you are confronted with difficult questions, what is the immediate choice? And someone said if you cant explain something to a five year old, you dont know it yourself. So who is God? How do I teach faith? As I'm engrossed in my own set of questions, I'm brought back to the present with wails demanding that they see kicha ummachi right away. Dear Kicha ummachi, aint you the one who comes up in times of need? Where are you? "Ammmaaaaaa" they shout. "Baby, just close your eyes and concentrate, you can see him"

Almost immediately both closed the eyes although avyukth was trying to peek. "Baby you can see him only inside your eyes not outside"
Avy : deyy unakku theriyudhaa da?
Aki : ille pa. Nee nalla tighta close pannirukkiya?
Avy : aama da. Enakku vara pordhu
Aki : amma kicha ummachi blue va?
Me : yes baby, thats right
Aki : amma naa paakaren
Avy : amma naanum dhaan

That instant, I get goosebumps. We see what we want to see, if only we believe we can see it.

Aki : dey orange hat aa?
Avy : aamaam. Orange kannadi kooda
And finally they open their eyes and run away.

Where there is willingness to see, willingness to seek, to perceive and to believe, faith begins. Probably.

Thank you Blippi. And oh ya, happy Krishna Jayanthi!

Cheers,
Hopie

Journeys : Episode 6

Tara

My head feels clearer now, but its too cold. Adi baby hold on, I'm coming. I try to focus on my surroundings and I'm at an operation theatre. Why did we go to an operation theatre? I hear a nurse reading a file to the duty doctor and I am able to grasp only a few words. Now I remember, one of my babies stopped moving and they had to perform an emergency caesarean. As I lie down, six doctors are around me, prepared for split second timing, prepared for the pit stop. Something is being injected at my back and I instantly feel the bottom half of my body go numb. Every doctor in the room is focussing on my stomach and the zillion monitors around, but I'm calm. I know this is going to be okay, my babies will be fine. They start the suction and I hear a loud wail. The paediatrician ushers to the baby as the next suction is switched on. I wait to hear a wail but nothing comes by. Only silence. Those moments when mere silence can be deafening. The paediatrician and two nurses come near me and put Twin 1 on my face. "Twin 1, boy". My face breaks into a wide grin as I see miniscule life in front of my eyes, and I spontaneously kiss him. "Twin 2, boy" and they take him away. Kathir and Adi. The light from above, the light of our lives. Somehow I know Adi is going to be fine. I know he didnt move, he didnt cry at birth, but he's going to be fine. After few hours, they take me to the NICU, the mother in me moves to Adi first. His monitors arent beeping and there are no tubes around him, so I know he is fine. I take his tiny hands in mine and I promise, that I would never let anything happen to him ever.

I promise. I promise. I promise. I wake up calmly and look for Hridhay. I'm still with tubes but its silent around, there is only one nurse near me. "Sister, am I ok?". The nurse walks to me and strokes my hair. "Mam your blood pressure has come down to normal, the doctor will come on rounds in a while and you can ask him". I will go near Adi soon and he will be fine. Hours later, the doctor comes by and says I can visit Adi but one of his juniors has to accompany me. I try to steady myself, i comb my hair, wipe my face dry as Hridhay looks at me. "What? Adi cant know im sick!". We walk to the ICU and I change my robes. "Wheres Kathir?" "KP and Kathir just left, they'll be back, Kathir hasnt slept at all". Hridhay cant come inside because of the stupid junior who has to accompany me, but I'm mostly okay. I walk into the first chamber and a doctor comes to me. "Are you Adi's mother?" I nod my head, trying to mute my ears from whatever he's going to tell me. "He's suffered cerebral hemorrhage. Its bad. His organs arent affected, but there is some infection in his lungs. We are treating that. He is in pain, I dont want to hide anything from you. He is in a transient state, he can communicate only by touch for now. We have to observe him for another 24 hours after which you can opt for surgery to remove the clots. I cant tell you what chances he has, the next 24 hours are crucial. Surgery can help him, but you have to decide". I nod my head, a million thoughts gushing into my mind.

I dont want to decide anything, or fix my mind. I want to see Adi, I want to be by him, I want to feel his warmth and I want to reassure him he is going to be okay. A nurse opens the door and I see a room full of machines. Its cold and I see my son, my baby lying down, tubes all over. His head is bandaged, I can still see traces of blood on his forehead and ears. I trace my finger on his forehead and his eyeballs move inside his eyelids. "Amma is here Adi. You're gonna be okay. Remember when you were born, I made you a promise?" His eyeballs settle down in the center of his eyes. I trace my finger along his arms and he lifts his index finger. I hold it and instantly my eyes well up. Guilt fills me. I'm sorry baby I let you down, I'm sorry I didnt keep up my promise. Im sorry Adi. He circles his index finger around mine and I steady myself. Tears rolling out of his eyes. "Adi you're gonna be okay. Just hold strong." His eyeballs move from side to side. "Dont be afraid Adi" and more tears slide down his eyes. Is my baby in so much pain? And thats when the reality came crashing in on me. I dont voice my thoughts to him as I stroke his eyebrows. Do you want to go Adi?

I'm stampeded by a myriad conflicting thoughts. One half of me looks into the future, with my boys side by side, joyful and complete. The other half of me looks at the pain he is in, the suffering he is going through now. Did I give him life? Just because he was in my womb? No I didnt. He chose to come to me. He chose to give me life. So if he wants to go, he will choose so. Yes. I will respect his choices. Im his mother. I kiss him on what little forehead I can see, I put my lips close to his ears and utter a prayer. The prayer we've been used to, the last ten years. There are no more tears in my eyes. I inhale deeply, and ask the inevitable question to him, mother-to-son. "Do you want to die Adi?"

Journeys : Episode 5

Tara

My head feels heavy, my eyelids refuse to open, but I need to wake up. Adi needs me. I try hard again and I can see some blurred images, people scurrying around and warm hands holding me. I clear my head and try to focus again, I see Hridhay. "Hridhay... adi... where.. what... how".. "Tara, the doctors are attending to him. I dont want to hide anything to you, it's not good news. He's on machine support". I close my eyes and try to recollect my son's face. His face ashen and blood gushing out, as though mere pumping blood was too much for his heart to handle. His brows bent in an arch against each other, with questions perhaps? I will answer all of them Adi. Like I always do. Just hold on Adi you're doing great. "Hridhay take me to him, I need to see him". There is some hesitation in Hridhay's eyes. "Tara, you're not okay to go. I cant take you. You're in shock. Your body needs to heal first and there's no way I'm letting you see him at this state". I'm so angry I want to just pull away all the lines around me and run to my son. I want to yell at Hridhay for not letting me go, I want to strangle him or more strangle myself, at my helplessness, my inability to even go and look at my baby. I open my mouth to yell and Hridhay stops me "Tara, Adi needs you. Kathir and KP are by him. But he needs you the most. Rest now. I'll take you in a few hours."

The next few hours are the longest in my life. How many tubes are on Adi? Is he in pain? Can he talk? Can he hear me? I try to shut these thoughts away and try to replace them with good thoughts. I need to focus. A monitor around me beeps and a nurse comes rushing near me. She tries to mute the alarm but it just wouldnt stop. She runs and brings the doctor, he sees me and mutters instructions in her ears, she meticulously fills a syringe and pushes it into my cannula. I feel something gush into my ears, tightening around me, I open my mouth to scream but my brain doesnt act. In five seconds I feel like im floating in air, I feel so light, everything and everyone seem distant. I can be what I want to, where I want to but theres only one thought in my mind. Adi.

I try to pry my eyes open, there is some noise around me. I can hear horses galloping, getting louder and closer. I close my eyes hard and I'm at an ultrasound room. The sonographer is whisking the probe around my belly, constantly checking and rechecking something. Anxiety starts pumping and I have to ask her something "is my baby okay? Is everything okay?". I cannot think of losing another baby. She stops prodding and looks at me. "Mam do you have any history of twins in the family?" My heart leaps a hundred miles at once. "No we don't". "Oh" was the only word she said. What? Im gonna have twins? Hridhay wait till you hear this. Ok Tara, just keep your hopes low. They're still checking. For now I just want everything to be okay. Dear God please let my baby be okay. She walks out of the room to bring a senior sonographer and she looks at the monitor. She places the probe on my tummy and says "mam see your baby, healthy and jumpy". As i look at my jelly bouncing baby, tears of joy roll down my eyes. I love you baby. She moves the probe to another spot and skillfully places it. "Mam this is your other baby, twin 2. You're carrying monochorionic twins." I look at my second baby in disbelief, both looking exactly the same sketch to me. The human in me voiced my thoughts "can you show me both of them at once?" The sonographer laughed. Maybe I'm just one of them to her. One of those who are not satisfied with anything. But to me it was a reassurance, my first baby decided to come back as two. She moved the probe to another location and said "see mam, the chord splits here and goes to two fetuses in the same sac." I dont see anything that I can comprehend. Except two little spots vibrating in union, in perfect harmony with each other, telling me stories, teaching me miracles happen.

My head feels lighter, I try to open my eyes and another vaccum hits me, closes in on me, pushing me into a cold dark abyss.

Journeys : Episode 4

Tara

Finally we shift to normal conversations, of how hot the weather is and how the food that we ate just moments back totally sucked. We ask for the bill and we're distracted by a voice. "Hey KP, do you remember me?" Of course he wont, he has the worst memory of faces ever. "I'm sorry, you look familiar but I just cant place you right.. I'm sorry".. "No no! After all, we met only once, at Geetha's birthday. I used to work with her. I'm Pooja" I could see clearly that he had zero recollection of her, Hridhay and I just looked on. "...So when are you guys leaving?" The three of us looked puzzled at this statement and KP tried to suppress his emotions. "Erm, I'm sorry, what are you referring to?". Pooja's phone rang and she silenced it. "To Atlanta? Geetha is getting a transfer isnt she? Or are you guys going to stay long distance?" I could see KP's heart make patterns on his chest, his forehead drenched with perspiration. "We got divorced three months back." Was the only sentence he spoke before storming away out of the restaurant. Hridhay and I make some polite conversation with her and start walking out of the restaurant, KP no where in sight. Hridhay runs to the basement while I walk around looking into nearby shops looking for him.

Hridhay calls me in ten minutes "hey. Nowhere to be found. Cant spot his car either. Maybe he's gone home. Or a drive. Lets give him some time for himself. He'll find us." Yes thats true. He will indeed. "Hey Hridhay, shall we go for a walk around the park? The boys will take time anyway". "Okay.. im coming". As I wait for him, I try to trace back to one of the most memorable time we went for a walk together.

Fourteen years back

It was the night before our wedding. We didnt have a fancy destination wedding, our wedding was at a simple wedding hall located in a very narrow street. The street was filled with small plants and creepers all along the sides and it had just stopped raining. It was eleven in the night. I was struggling to remove all the make up from my face so someone could apply several more new layers the next day and my phone lit up. "Hey! Wanna go for a walk?" I begin palpitating at the sight of this text. Neither Hridhay or me are the romantic type nor are either of us the type to take a walk at midnight. But hey we're getting married tomorrow and it is indeed exciting to walk with your boyfriend at midnight! "Coming. Scared". I wait for a reply but it never comes. Maybe hes already there. "Dee" i call out to my little sister and she looks up. "Hridhay wants to talk to me, I need to go out for sometime". She goes out of our room, checks location of all our important aunts, comes back and gives me the go ahead. Yes thats Diya. She would do anything for me. And so would I. We slip out of the room, out of the hall and find Hridhay outside the back entrance. She deposits me to him, slaps herself hard on her forehead and walks back in. We start walking and the conversations begin to flow. Not about our life ahead, or the places we'll go, or how big our family will be but about today. About tonight and this instant. Of how beautiful the plants smell after the rain, of how the moonlight reflects on the puddles on the streets and our shadows make a silhouette against it, of how the wind hustles us forward hissing promises in our ears, hissing promises of tomorrows as perfect as today. The warmth of his hands on my palm completing me that instant, concealing the promise made by the winds.

"Tara can we walk now?" Shouts Hridhay in my ears. "Sorry sorry, lets go, I was thinking about the walk that we took the night before our wedding". "Hey Tara you know what? We need a break. We need to go somewhere just you and me". "What about Adi and Kathir?" "They can go to Dee". "Very very magnanimous Hridhay. She's going to be very appreciative" "I'm full of such ideas" and he waves his hands in air. "So where do you wanna go Tara?" He puts his hands inside his pocket to silence his phone. "Since you seem to have thought this through, I'm sure youve thought of where too?". He smiles at me, closing his eyes, "Srinagar". I close my mouth with my hands in surprise and shake my head. "Dream" was the only word I could manage. We walk back inside the mall to pick the boys up and as we are about to board the escalator we hear a loud thud. Someone had fallen over, all of us rush. I reach the spot and instant blindness takes over me, blood gushing out of Adi's nose and mouth the last frame my eyes catch.

Journeys : Episode 3

Tara

I take my cycle in search of the boys and to summon them home, we need to leave for dinner. After fifteen minutes of cycling, I find them at the farthest open gym, Kathir messing with the elliptical and Adi sitting down on the lawn. Adi looked a lot better, and I am always at awe looking at what they share. Although I have a sibling, what twins share is just magical, and right from the time they could recognize each other as human beings, they have always been able to cheer each other. "Come, we're going out for dinner " i shout out. We cycle back together, Adi still silent. Hridhay comes home and Adi walks to him and puts his head down. I open my kindle just to give the men the space they need, but i desperately need to overhear. "Pa Aarnav is leaving, he's not coming back" and tears roll down his cheeks. Hridhay wipes out his tears and looks him in the eye. "What matters is not where he is going or that he's not coming back, what matters is the good times you had and those memories. No one can take that away from you right?" Is that good enough for a ten year old, I wonder. "But I cannot have another friend, I just want him, I feel very sad". "See Adi, the best thing is, you did not split on differences, so if both of you are strong enough, maybe years down the lane, you guys can catch up where you left. I have two such friends" Adi's eyes get a little brighter, he jumps to the bathroom and begins to change. We all get ready and leave for dinner.

We reach the restaurant and find KP already there. Hes holding two books in his hands. The boys run to him, gives them one each and walks to fix Hridhay's collar. This is something unique between them, and I think of how KP is used to being held by Geetha and he misses that- he needs human touch and Hridhay is the last person who would give you that. We have a quiet dinner and the boys leave to play at the adjacent play area. There is awkward silence and Hridhay breaks it "hey KP, why dont you start badminton for shravya where Adi plays? Adi adores his coach, and he's very good, would you want to?" KP brings his thoughts into focus "thats a very good idea! This means I get extra time to be with Shrav! Lets do this!" Finally there was some excitement in KP's voice. I felt this was good for Adi too, so atleast a miniscule portion of the void left by Aarnav can be filled by Shravya. "When I think of all the things that happened, I feel I've just been blind to the things happening around me. Geetha becoming more busy at work and distancing herself from me, avoiding holiday trips, more arguments and the times I said we will not talk in front of Shravya and how those conversations got lost, and finally how her mere presence was uncomfortable for me. One minute everything seemed just right, just perfect and the next minute reality comes crashing in. Yes splitting was the right thing, but I miss Shravya so much". Somehow this lost love is beyond comprehension for me. Especially KP and Geetha. I remember how they fell in love, to me it seemed more an instinct, a reflex that they got together- everything was so perfect and getting together was just the right thing. Marriage changes people, some better some worse. But what exactly is better and worse is left to the beholder. Nothing is right or wrong, its one's own perspective. And no one has the right to judge.

Each of us sit down, engulfed in our own whirlwind of thoughts and Hridhay breaks it "KP, I might sound very harsh but you need to look ahead. You have a whole life ahead of you, today is not the end. Think ahead. Not that everything works with our plans but we have to continue making them. You need to move on. Take a road trip, fly around the world, go incognito if you want, but heal and move on". I have many reasons to love Hridhay and one of them is the respect he has for everyone- that everyone needs a personal space, a world of their own where they find peace. "KP, its important you find life for yourself, like what Hridhay says, you need to be at peace. And moreover, it cant be that everytime Shravya comes to stay with you, you keep dreading the time shes gonna leave." I had to say this. We cant always look at the future and sulk at how empty it is. We need joy in our lives and we need to grab opportunities that give us exactly that. He looks at both of us, his eyes getting clearer, he takes a deep breath and holds both our hands tightly. Not at all times do we need words.

Of Vacations, of joy and finding peace

My first memory of a vacation is the time Nithya and I travelled to Neyveli by bus. Alone. I think I was five? Im not sure. But the memory is somewhat intact. The fresh smell of jackfruit, the colorful bubblegums and joojips that we packed, the breeze on my face. I didnt sleep a wink. To me vacations mean playtime with cousins. Although we have a lot of cousins, there were barely any occasion that all of us got together at once. It was always with bits and pieces of them and time with each of them was unique. My vacation memories are filled with cards, cricket, hide and seek, kallu kuthi (srilankan version of hide and seek) and throwball. No vacation is complete without either of these.

As years pass, our vacations have become so different. We want to travel distant places, to see the lands beyond our access, to be enthralled by mystique sights, sounds and smells. To take pictures, to feel accomplished and get back home, eat home food and cuddle in our bed. Somehow, our ideas and needs of vacations change, but one thing doesnt. That a vacation is temporary and we need to get home. Perhaps that is what makes vacations beautiful everytime? That they are short lived?

Our last vacation was one of the most memorable and brought back childhood memories. People. Being with loved ones. With amma appa and nithya under one roof and voila! An entire vacation with them! Kids shuttling to and fro the stairs and making my stairs target an easy one to get. Girls time - although this one was very limited, it is precious to me! The last minute planning and literally running out of the house & boarding the metro to believe this was happening. Meeting my friends and having those conversations that do not go through whatsapp. Trying to look into their eyes and the joy in finding peace. And lastly watching kids grow up and finding joy with cousins.

The world needs cousins and vacations with them. Endless playing and being shouted upon every night to sleep. Mostly playing make-rules-as-you-go games that involve noise, noisy running and noisy violence. When eating is considered a waste of time, and even loo times are postponed testing bladder capacities. To forget that our life exists elsewhere, to forget that this is transient and to live in the present and make most out of it. The last days of cards brought back the childhood memories in me. Of crazy laughing, of screaming, of having tears rolling down my eyes, of forgetting everything else and enjoying the moment.

Maybe that is the best part of a vacation, to create a bubble, a bubble of joy, of perfection, of freedom, of wishlists being striked off, of conversations, of the endless walks, of looking beyond and finding peace in the people we love. The best part of a vacation, is that this bubble needs to be broken, and that the bubble waits until next time we return, and until then, the bubble keeps us going.

Thank you God.

Cheers,
Hopie

Journeys : Episode 2

Tara

I park the car, pick my bags and start walking towards my day. I love my job and I believe I'm great at it. Well except twice. Ok thrice. Ok lets not go there, mostly I'm okay at work. I have a lot of friends at work, too many parallel conversations and amidst all of that, I manage to sneak in some work. I deposit my laptop bag at my seat, login and start walking to the adjacent building to find KP. He's at his desk, both hands holding his head, as though his head is just leaning on that. I tap at his table and he looks up. "Here, go eat, and go home, you're done for today". "I cant Tara, I cant go home, it feels empty without Shrav". Gulp, what do I say? Where is Hridhay when I need him? "Listen KP, you both agreed on this when you divorced and most importantly Shravya is happy this way. I think you need to just move on". He looks at me as though I've uttered a swear word. "Shravs has to come to me, I've practically raised her all these years, she cant just take her away from me". Breathe Tara breathe, you can do this. "KP listen, I know all this is hard on you. Just give it some time. Maybe it gets better. Eid holidays begin tomorrow, maybe you can get a break". His eyelids soften and he gets up from his desk. "Give me my breakfast, I'm starving. " and storms away. I walk back to my desk and get engulfed into another world for the next eight hours.

I shut down my laptop, wish everyone and head to daycare to pick the boys up. They must have already planned what to do the next two weeks, and no complaints here, I am glad someone is planning things for us. It seemed as though they had just sprang into adulthood while I blinked my eyelids. Kathir loves to cook and he has the eye for details. Adi plays badminton and talks endlessly, all he needs is something the shape of an ear. Both of them love to paint and our house is full of their masterpieces. Well including the walls and doors. I stop by, keep the engine running and get them, both of them are seriously discussing the future of Indian Badminton. Surprisingly it's Kathir who's doing all the talking and not Adi. "Hey Adi, whats up?". I try to look at him in the rear view mirror and he's cleverly avoiding my eyes. "Nothing Ma". Kathir grabs the opportunity, "Ma, Aarnav said he will not be coming to school after Eid. His father got transferred to Singapore". Aarnav, his best friend and most importantly his doubles partner. Their left-hand right-hand combination worked perfectly every time. Sometimes I wonder if I should try and make friends with the parents, but it never worked. If only I had, I'd have known this coming and maybe prepared Adi for this.

We reach home and the boys scrub and go out for play. I call Hridhay "hey, when are you planning to get back?" "Another hour, lets go out for dinner". Ohhhh i hate going out for dinner especially during holidays because the crowds are inhuman. "And hey, I've called KP too. He sounded terrible, we need to cheer him up". Oh yeah? It seems more to me that Ive been 'called too', not KP. I have half a mind to sulk. Why should things always be so complex? I mean cant life be the simple wake up-eat-work-eat-sleep routine? Oh and yes find love blah blah. "Hey Tara, cheer up, its KP, its okay. We have all the time to go out" and he hangs up. So I have to stress, for Hridhay, its not just "its KP" its "ITS KP" and some day during our life, probably I'l come to terms to accepting him as inevitable in our lives. Only, its not now.

Journeys : Episode 1

Tara

The Fenix almost crushes my wrist in an effort to wake me up. Why should my day begin at 3a.m. when the whole world is asleep? I rub my eyes open and look around, my blanket barely covering my feet. Oh yeah Hridhay? Il take on you tonight. I give his baby soft hair a light rub, get off the bed, and walk out to look at my 10 year old twin boys in the next room, Adi and Kathir, blissfully asleep, in another world, another time, unaware that a similar fate awaits in two hours. I walk towards the bathroom, sighing, and thankful every moment for the lovely life I have, despite having to wake up at crazy 3a.m. Well thats Qatar for you. I set the morning routine rolling, fires on full swing, pick my cup of coffee and open my phone. A hundred and twenty three messages.

There's never a second thought on which conversation to open first, its pinned on my chat board and she's pinned to my heart, my little sister (well not so little, we're just a year apart) and most people mistake us for twins. Surprisingly, there was only one text from her - check cart. I close my eyes for a second, it has to be the black capri. Even before I checked the cart, I knew what to reply. Nope baby, we're not doing this. I move on to the next conversation - my childhood girl gang. Four of us and we converse about life changing things all the time. Well our lives. This time it was about running marathons. Way to go girls, maybe soon I'll get there. After scaling through all messages, I put my phone down and get to work. After two hours I try to wake the boys up. "Five minutes amma" says Kathir. "Eid holidays begin tomorrow baby, last day of school today!". Magic words and two of them zoom out of the room to get ready.

"Hridhay, its five!" I yell and I move on to check my phone. Still at work, seems endless... it was KP - K P Prashanth, my colleague, our friend and extended family. Oh noooo! What about Shravya? His 8-year-old. She's with Geetha, my date ended yesterday. Oh no, this is uncomfortable territory. Ok im bringing breakfast for you, just wait. I start fetching the boxes and Hridhay is out and ready and so are Adi and Kathir. Oh and so am I. Hridhay comes over to pack stuff and looks at the extra set of boxes "If KP works at this rate, he's going to die soon" and starts packing.

And so begins our day, our journey, our lives. We set out of the house, four of us moving in three different directions, travelling, in search of something perhaps. Perhaps some purpose in our lives.

--------to be continued-----------

Journeys : Prologue

Prologue

This story is inspired by few conversations around me, during a recent journey. In life we take so many journeys, and each journey has so much meaning. Everytime we travel, we carry different emotions - joy, fear, doubts, contentment, love, enjoyment, peace.... all we have to do is look around, keep our eyes (and like Varsh says, our ears) open and travel with everyone around - after all, the earth doesnt revolve always around us. As we embark on such journeys, we bring ourselves to appreciate the little things we have in life - tantrum throwing kids, the third kid the husband, the annoying sister, the ever got-ur-back family, the fascinating be-yourself girl gangs, the pour-yourself-in-lengthy-emails long distance friends and the life we have everyday around this little world and beyond. So yes, travel with us, sit back, just open your eyes and ears, as we take you through the journey of Tara.

(And please, at any point if it drags or puts you to sleep, be kind and let me know!)

Cheers,
Hopie