Tara
My head feels heavy, my eyelids refuse to open, but I need to wake up. Adi needs me. I try hard again and I can see some blurred images, people scurrying around and warm hands holding me. I clear my head and try to focus again, I see Hridhay. "Hridhay... adi... where.. what... how".. "Tara, the doctors are attending to him. I dont want to hide anything to you, it's not good news. He's on machine support". I close my eyes and try to recollect my son's face. His face ashen and blood gushing out, as though mere pumping blood was too much for his heart to handle. His brows bent in an arch against each other, with questions perhaps? I will answer all of them Adi. Like I always do. Just hold on Adi you're doing great. "Hridhay take me to him, I need to see him". There is some hesitation in Hridhay's eyes. "Tara, you're not okay to go. I cant take you. You're in shock. Your body needs to heal first and there's no way I'm letting you see him at this state". I'm so angry I want to just pull away all the lines around me and run to my son. I want to yell at Hridhay for not letting me go, I want to strangle him or more strangle myself, at my helplessness, my inability to even go and look at my baby. I open my mouth to yell and Hridhay stops me "Tara, Adi needs you. Kathir and KP are by him. But he needs you the most. Rest now. I'll take you in a few hours."
The next few hours are the longest in my life. How many tubes are on Adi? Is he in pain? Can he talk? Can he hear me? I try to shut these thoughts away and try to replace them with good thoughts. I need to focus. A monitor around me beeps and a nurse comes rushing near me. She tries to mute the alarm but it just wouldnt stop. She runs and brings the doctor, he sees me and mutters instructions in her ears, she meticulously fills a syringe and pushes it into my cannula. I feel something gush into my ears, tightening around me, I open my mouth to scream but my brain doesnt act. In five seconds I feel like im floating in air, I feel so light, everything and everyone seem distant. I can be what I want to, where I want to but theres only one thought in my mind. Adi.
I try to pry my eyes open, there is some noise around me. I can hear horses galloping, getting louder and closer. I close my eyes hard and I'm at an ultrasound room. The sonographer is whisking the probe around my belly, constantly checking and rechecking something. Anxiety starts pumping and I have to ask her something "is my baby okay? Is everything okay?". I cannot think of losing another baby. She stops prodding and looks at me. "Mam do you have any history of twins in the family?" My heart leaps a hundred miles at once. "No we don't". "Oh" was the only word she said. What? Im gonna have twins? Hridhay wait till you hear this. Ok Tara, just keep your hopes low. They're still checking. For now I just want everything to be okay. Dear God please let my baby be okay. She walks out of the room to bring a senior sonographer and she looks at the monitor. She places the probe on my tummy and says "mam see your baby, healthy and jumpy". As i look at my jelly bouncing baby, tears of joy roll down my eyes. I love you baby. She moves the probe to another spot and skillfully places it. "Mam this is your other baby, twin 2. You're carrying monochorionic twins." I look at my second baby in disbelief, both looking exactly the same sketch to me. The human in me voiced my thoughts "can you show me both of them at once?" The sonographer laughed. Maybe I'm just one of them to her. One of those who are not satisfied with anything. But to me it was a reassurance, my first baby decided to come back as two. She moved the probe to another location and said "see mam, the chord splits here and goes to two fetuses in the same sac." I dont see anything that I can comprehend. Except two little spots vibrating in union, in perfect harmony with each other, telling me stories, teaching me miracles happen.
My head feels lighter, I try to open my eyes and another vaccum hits me, closes in on me, pushing me into a cold dark abyss.
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