Journeys : Episode 12

Tara

"....i jumped". The words reverberated in my mind. I felt like a thousand whips lashing at me, at my emptiness. Didnt anything that I do the last ten years make an impact on Adi at all? Had he never trusted me, nor had I ever been his friend in need? How did it go past me that my baby was battling suicidal thoughts and all the while I kept looking at him, I never realised? My legs begin to shake and I lean on the wall holding KP's hand. No, I will not crumble this time. I will not fall down, I will hold myself. My sons need me and I will stand by them and stand with them. I just compose myself and KP and I wait for five mintues before making some loud irrelevant conversations and entering the room. The first face I look for is Kathir. He's pale, as though he'd been stabbed by his friend, defeated and lost, looking down at the floor. Shravya is holding Adi's hand and wondering perhaps who's problem is bigger.

"Come guys, let's have dinner" i call them. KP is helping Adi walk down, Shravya holds Kathir's hands and pulls him. We sit and the table and KP breaks the silence "so hey Tara, I wanted to talk about this when Hridhay was here, but since he isnt, I want to tell you. I gave in my resignation today. I've asked them for six months". All these words no longer matter to me. It has no effect. I dont even want to ask him reasons for his choices. I just smile and say "good luck". We have some small conversations with the kids and finish dinner. The kids go back to their room, KP goes with them, and the door bell rings.

I get up to answer and a rush of emotions pass through me as Hridhay enters. I put my arms tight around him and break down on his shoulders. I attempt to speak but only tears flow down my face, on his shirt. Words fail me, like how I failed my son when he was in need, like how I failed to offer him an ear to listen when he wanted to talk, an arm to hold on to when he was weak and depressed, a shoulder to lean on to when he was defeated and a magical hug that would have probably healed him, given him the reassurance he needed. Hridhay wraps his arms tight around me, leaning his chin on my shoulders and whispering words that I know are far from reality. "It's gonna be okay Tara".