Somehow I dont feel anything, as though my heart has frozen and there are no tears flowing. It feels surreal, that Hridhay is no more. I feel like an infant left alone in the middle of a jungle, what should I do? Adi and Kathir. I must get to them. Oh Hridhay, arent you the one who always does the big talks? Why should I do this now? The doctors and nurses are around and they ask me to leave. I walk out of the trauma care unit and look at KP. He looks at me, wishing I would be the bearer of hope. I nod my head and look down. He shakes his head in denial, puts his hands on his face and breaks down. I sit next to him, not knowing what to do. The doctors come out and tell us that they need some time to 'prepare' him. I need to see the kids. KP volunteers to stay behind and bring Hridhay home for the last time.
I walk out of the hospital, not looking at anyone or anything, my mind full of questions to God, if at all the supreme being exists. Perhaps they can wait, because Adi and Kathir are first. I get into the cab and rush home. I reach and Kannamma opens the door. "Adi and Kathir are upstairs, come you eat first, you look terrible" and I hear a faint conversation from upstairs. "Kannamma... Hridhay... accident..." "oh God, how is he now? i hope there is nothing to worry.." i hold her hands tight and shake my head. "He's left us Kannamma..." and tears roll down her eyes. I let go of her hands and gather all the energy to climb up the stairs.
I cannot crumble this time, I need to hold on. I need to stand in front of the kids and be the father that they are going to miss. We have a lifetime ahead of us, I will stay strong. I open the door and both of them look at me. "Did you eat?" "Yes ma, boring dal". I walk towards them and sit on their cot. "Adi, Kathir..." and I hold both their hands tight. "Appa has had an accident. It was too painful for him and he decided to leave us." I see shock in both their faces, and the instinct to ask a myriad questions. I wait patiently to hear them. "When will they bring him home ma? Can I hug him one last time" "yes adi and kathir. You can. In sometime". The boys lean on me and wail, and I sit there holding them, in incapacity, not able to offer words or reasons.The three of us are embraced in a silence that kept communicating. Kathir breaks himself away, wipes his tears, puts his hands on my cheek and says "amma we are there, together. We are there for you amma. Please be okay. I cannot see you at the hospital again, I need you Amma" and holds me tight, not wanting to let go. All the tears that were inside started flowing seamlessly. Me and my boys. Our lives ahead dancing in front of me in hazy patterns. That is later, future, but for now, we have to grieve. I hugged them back in the tightest way ever possible and let go of every emotion I had been holding.
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