My Fenix wakes me up and it takes a while for me to comprehend that today is the day I'm getting back to work. I brush my teeth and walk to the kitchen to find kannamma up and already at the kitchen cooking. "Your coffee is here Tara.." wow. If I was looking for motivation to get back to work, it cant get any better than this. I feel like I have all the time in the world, sipping my coffee and looking at Kannamma work meticulously. How does she feel to leave her family behind and stay with us? Not a day have I seen her face sulk or be moody, what does it take for someone to completely mask what is inside and be totally someone else outside? I walk to her and put my hands on her shoulders. "Kannamma come have coffee with me". She looks at me, puzzled, fills her cup and we sit at the kitchen table opening an endless conversation.
"So kannamma, how many of you in your family? Im sorry I have never asked you this before..." "its okay Tara, we didnt meet at the best of circumstances. I have a son, he is married and living in Delhi with his family. My husband died when my son was eight months old..." I look at her eyes to find something but there is absolutely no emotion in her face. "I'm sorry Kannamma..." "no no dont be. I died long before he did..." I put my hand on hers, trying to reassure her. What does one say at such times? I think of Hridhay, hold her hand and let her talk. "I went to school like everyone else and fell in love, much like the textbook girl. I cant exactly explain what we shared, but we were together, bringing the best in each of us for eight years. Both of us finished school with flying colors and he had got selected with the Short Service Commission. I was supposed to go to college to do my graduation and masters and I had decided to wait for him. He duly wrote letters to me, and I responded to every one of them, trying to bring my life alive in front of him and make him sense me in every letter. Everything went fine until my dad caught hold of one of the letters, and it wasn't one of those letters that you'd want your dad to read" a tiny tear drop had welled in the corner of her eyes.
"There was denial at first, every conversation involved this and finally, against my will, they were going to get me married to my maternal uncle. I knew my uncle since birth, we were fifteen years apart, his wife had left him for someone else, but my uncle was a very decent person, there was nothing bad about him at all, but I loved someone else. Eventually I did marry my uncle..." I look at her eyes fill with anger, frustration and helplessness. "We got married and moved to Delhi. I told him about my affair and thought that would make him hate me. But nothing did. He never asked me for anything, we used to live in the same house like strangers for many months. And then, like every human being, my desire for flesh company could not be suppressed. I always thought I could have sex only with the one I loved, but that day I understood that sex and being in love were entirely different entities."
"Our conversations never grew, we knew very little of each other, we continued to live under the same roof, neither of us having the strength to break whatever relationship was left in between both of us. And then, we found out I was pregnant. Nothing changed after that too, we remained to be the same, and then our boy was born. Life changed for me, I had chosen to bring this being to life, and I would love him with all my might. When our boy was eight months, my uncle died in an accident. Turned out that he had written all his life insurance and bank savings with me. One half of me didnt want to use any of it, but the other half looked at my child and decided to take every rupee that came out of it. I started baby sitting neighbors kids and slowly the numbers grew and I turned it into a full fledged day care. Its been twenty five years now". Her eyes swelled with pride.
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