Journeys : Episode 23

Tara

I look at her eyes twinkle with pride and wonder what sort of an iron woman would it take to not just raise an infant by herself, but make her own identity without any foundation at all. My respect for her grew multifolds. "I am now happy with the life I have. Happy is a deep word, maybe I should say contented. Good or bad, my life has been based on my choices, forced or instinctive. We all have regrets in life, in a corner of my heart is still the guy who boarded the train saying goodbye to me. A part of me still longs for him and thinks of the life that would have been, but I guess we've all come too far from there. Life moves on Tara" I look at her and nod my head. She was right. Life moves on. 

We get up from the table and I rush to get myself and Kathir ready and we come down to have breakfast. "Hey Tara, good morning!" I hear KP from the table. He's helping Kannamma pack the boxes and we are all set to leave. I hug Adi to say goodbye and he's rolling his eyes. Kathir's bus picks him up. I climb into KP's Range Rover, fasten my seatbelt and hold on tight to it. He looks at me puzzled, yet not questioning anything. "Shall we go Tara?". "Yes". My heart races and I feel like a school kid on her first day of school. "Its gonna be okay Tara, you are great at your work". "Hmmm". We continue in silence as he drove with caution. "Hey KP, drive like you always do, I'm good". He nods his head, rams his feet on the pedal and finally I understand he's comfortable to drive me. I need to finish a conversation with KP so we can drive in peace the next days. 

"KP.. im sorry. I've been wanting to talk to you since I left you behind at the hospital, somehow the courage never came". My hands tremble as I reach for my water bottle and KPs eyes well up. "He was a dear friend to you, I must say he never saw you as someone outside the family. You were always on top of his mind". Tears rolled down his face and he cleared his throat to speak. "I'm sorry Tara, this must be the hardest for you. I've never lost a friend and I've never even had to think about how it would feel to outlive a friend. I cannot let go that he had an unfulfilled life. He had so much in store and it all had to end abruptly. At the hospital when I saw him, there was only one thought. It should have been me not him."

"KP, its not your fault he is not here anymore. It is no one's fault. I'm not going to use big words and say maybe you have a purpose to be alive or whatever. More than you, I wish he were here and none of this had really happened. But it has and we have to confront this. I want to hold on to the best memories that I have of him and somehow work around the void he left us with. That is what Hridhay would want for all of us. Holding on to the survivor's guilt isn't going to help any of us. Do you know KP, Kannamma lost her husband when her son was just eight months old?". "I know Tara. She told me about her past life. She is an inspiration". 

We talk about Kannamma for sometime and the Range Rover pulls into our mini city. "KP I'll get down at your block and walk". He nods. I wave my hand and start walking towards my block. To me, always, every conversation needs to be spoken and complete. I hold on to the strings of my backpack and walk slowly, letting the thoughts tread. If only Hridhay were here life would have been entirely different. Well he isn't anymore, and like Anna sings in the most beautiful way "I follow you around

I always have, but you've gone to a place I cannot find, This grief has a gravity
It pulls me down, but a tiny voice whispers in my mind 'You are lost, hope is gone but you must go on and do the next right thing' " I will take a step forward, right or wrong for better or worse I don't know, but I will take that step.