Journeys : Episode 20

In case you're still reading, thank you so much. You keep me going. 

Tara

I toss, turn keep looking at my watch and finally it is time for Dee to come. Except for times like these, I dont believe in telepathy, cause that precise instant I hear knocking. I run to the door, maybe over the years I've grown too dependent on her? I open the door to see her standing, looking deep into my eyes. Sometimes, we dont need words to converse, to exchange thoughts, to understand each other. She walks in, drops the luggage and hugs me tight. I resist my tears, I dont want the grief to leave me, but somehow they deny me and come out, minute by minute, regrets from the past and the uncertainty the future holds. "Its okay to cry Tara.. just let it go". And I cry in silence as she makes coffee for me at 1a.m. despite her tiresome flight. What would one converse? Neither of us wanted to ask meaningless questions. "Here take this, only milk for you, im sure you didnt eat last two days". I look at her and many a times wonder if this is my little sister or my mom or my grandmom. 

She takes a sip of her coffee and starts talking "im going to be here for two weeks Tara" "no Dee you dont have to, il be okay" "yes you will be okay. Thing is I have to see you okay to be in peace". A weak smile finds its way through my face. "See Tara, im not great with words, but I'll try to put my thoughts in the best ever possible way. All of us go through loss, we lose grand parents, parents, friends, babies. The only thing common is the life we've had with all of those people, long or short. We have memories. I know, the would-have-beens are the best. Thats a perfect life. But someday, our life will turn perfect in its own way too. Together with all the memories. Lets not think about anything now. Let us grieve Hridhay, the  loving husband, the dad, my annoying brother in law. Once we are done, we will have those myriad memories we made with him standing out. And probably soon, we will be in peace recollecting them."

I lean on her shoulders and cry for my future that was snatched away from me. I wipe my face and look at her "I know Dee, I have to be okay for the kids. They need me" "No you don't Tara. You need to be okay for yourself. They are kids, they adapt very fast. It is you who is going to hurt more." She was right. And Hridhay said this too, that we always need a life of our own. I nod my head. "Hey do you remember the night before your wedding? You guys wanted to sneak out?" More tears flow down my eyes as I think of our conversation that moonlit night. "I hated Hridhay back then. I did the rain check only for you, I secretly wished you'd get caught though" and i laugh. She smiles at me, and continues talking. Of what a reckless family we've been the last years, reminding me that life didnt always have to be perfect. We sat there, our mugs drying, talking for hours and I look at my little sister with so much gratitude, just for being there. If you had asked me yesterday, if I wanted a future or what it is going to be, I would have been blank. But now, with my sister by my side, the fog seems to clear a bit. I may not still see a crystal clear path, but I'm willing to open my eyes now and look for something. 

There's light outside the window and I hear a doorbell. Dee runs before me to get it and KP stands at the door with breakfast for all of us. 

--to be continued--