Journeys : Episode 19

Tara

We hear the sound of sirens and I nudge the boys to wait here while I go down. I had asked Dee not to come for the funeral, I did not want Hridhay to wait for anyone in the state he was. I did not want anyone else ti be there, we wanted family time before we bade goodbye to Hridhay. I run to the door and four men rush to bring Hridhay out. KP nudges one of them and takes his place to bear his friend on his shoulders. They lift the coffin very gently and place him in our living room. All of them step out and I hold KP'S hands asking him to stay. I go up and get the kids down. As I walk down the stairs, I am worried about Adi, of how he is going to face this. As we assemble as a family for one last time, the boys kneel down next to Hridhay and sob. I sit beside them and look at what is left over of Hridhay's face. We spend the next moments in silence and I nod at KP. He wipes his tears and comes forward to sit beside me. The pall bearers come in and join KP and gently lift Hridhay to take him away from us, to take him away into eternity. 

So what is death? Is death only to the soul that has parted? Death is for the alive more than for the dead. For it takes along unfulfilled promises, unfinished stories, unspoken conversations and an unlived life. To me Hridhay was my past, present and my future, and as he is being taken away from me, I wonder how my future seems, but more than the uncertainty of our future, it is denial to confront that from now Hridhay is only part of my past.

The boys and I sit on the sofa, Kannamma huddling all of us. Times like these, I just want to be a child again, having this blind faith that Amma's hug or kiss can make miracles. I miss Amma more than anyone and maybe up there Amma Appa and Hridhay are cracking their own set of jokes. Adi and Kathir are tired, I give them some food and ask them to try and sleep for a while. I take my phone, to type my heart out to the one person who I always lean on and theres a single message from her. Im coming. 

Journeys : Episode 18

Tara

Somehow I dont feel anything, as though my heart has frozen and there are no tears flowing. It feels surreal, that Hridhay is no more. I feel like an infant left alone in the middle of a jungle, what should I do? Adi and Kathir. I must get to them. Oh Hridhay, arent you the one who always does the big talks? Why should I do this now? The doctors and nurses are around and they ask me to leave. I walk out of the trauma care unit and look at KP. He looks at me, wishing I would be the bearer of hope. I nod my head and look down. He shakes his head in denial, puts his hands on his face and breaks down. I sit next to him, not knowing what to do. The doctors come out and tell us that they need some time to 'prepare' him. I need to see the kids. KP volunteers to stay behind and bring Hridhay home for the last time. 

I walk out of the hospital, not looking at anyone or anything, my mind full of questions to God, if at all the supreme being exists. Perhaps they can wait, because Adi and Kathir are first. I get into the cab and rush home. I reach and Kannamma opens the door. "Adi and Kathir are upstairs, come you eat first, you look terrible" and I hear a faint conversation from upstairs. "Kannamma... Hridhay... accident..." "oh God, how is he now? i hope there is nothing to worry.." i hold her hands tight and shake my head. "He's left us Kannamma..." and tears roll down her eyes. I let go of her hands and gather all the energy to climb up the stairs. 

I cannot crumble this time, I need to hold on. I need to stand in front of the kids and be the father that they are going to miss. We have a lifetime ahead of us, I will stay strong. I open the door and both of them look at me. "Did you eat?" "Yes ma, boring dal". I walk towards them and sit on their cot. "Adi, Kathir..." and I hold both their hands tight. "Appa has had an accident. It was too painful for him and he decided to leave us." I see shock in both their faces, and the instinct to ask a myriad questions. I wait patiently to hear them. "When will they bring him home ma? Can I hug him one last time" "yes adi and kathir. You can. In sometime". The boys lean on me and wail, and I sit there holding them, in incapacity, not able to offer words or reasons.The three of us are embraced in a silence that kept communicating. Kathir breaks himself away, wipes his tears, puts his hands on my cheek and says "amma we are there, together. We are there for you amma. Please be okay. I cannot see you at the hospital again, I need you Amma" and holds me tight, not wanting to let go. All the tears that were inside started flowing seamlessly. Me and my boys. Our lives ahead dancing in front of me in hazy patterns. That is later, future, but for now, we have to grieve. I hugged them back in the tightest way ever possible and let go of every emotion I had been holding. 

Journeys : Episode 17

Tara

"...we cant say anything more right now" the words reverberated in my ears, my heart pacing. What do I tell everyone? I cant tell the kids anything. I look at Kannamma and she spots the worry in my eyes. I nod my head lightly and blink my eyes, she nods her head in return. "Change of plans, I need to go for work now, some emergency, Kannamma...." the kids are disappointed, but for now that is the least of my worries. I take a cab and rush to the emergency. The ride feels endless, and the thoughts dont stop. KP please be okay, I dont want anything to happen to you. We will care for you. We will help you recover from everything. We are there. Just be okay. 

I am just fed up with hospitals, why can't one have a normal life? Is a dinner too much to ask for? I think of Adi and Kathir, the disappointment in their faces. We are going to make up to you baby. And what about my own set of disappointments? Tara whats wrong with you, someone is at the emergency, and you are worrying about a missed dinner? I put my hand inside my bag to fetch my phone and damn, I cant find it. Its not there. It must have fallen down somewhere in the hassle. I can call Hridhay after reaching hospital. I only hope the hospital people dont call again, because I dont want the kids to know anything. Well, for now. 

I reach finally, and run out of the car, along the too familiar corridor and the dates trees, and the crowds who are always too busy in their own worlds, with their own set of worries. I reach the emergency desk and produce my ID "I'm Tara, I received a call on my mobile a couple of minutes back asking me to come immediately" "please wait mam, let me talk to the doctor". She takes her phone and speaks in heavy Arabic as I look at her, listening intently for any English word that could give me any information, any small ray of hope. God please let KP be okay, please please. 

The front desk officer finally finished talking and tells me "come with me Ma'm". Im very scared. Hridhay, where are you when I need your hand to hold? Not just to walk steadily but just to know you are with me. I am asked to sit outside the doctor's cabin and I watch the commotion around. I wonder what is commotion to us is normal life for people here. I keep uttering a prayer, placing my hands on my eyes, shutting the world away. In a few seconds, I feel warm hands on my shoulders, finally Hridhay here you are. As I open my eyes, I see KP standing in front of me, in life and skin, and reality hit me like a blowing tornado, shattering whatever it passes through. 

"Tara...." I want to breakdown, I want to go into a deep slumber that everything passes and when I wake up everything is okay. "Tara, the doctors are here, lets go..." we move in, and the doctor speaks "I'm sorry ma'm, there is nothing we can do. He's fighting his best, but we cant do anything. There is too much bleeding in his skull and multiple fractures. I'm sorry mam you can go in and see him" I walk out and KP walks with me. I nod my head and ask him to wait outside and enter into the emergency ward. I look at Hridhay, unrecognizable, and go beside him. His eyeballs are in rapid movement inside his closed eyelids. I take his hand and hold him and look at his closed eyes, the eyelids settle down, and a calm spreads on his face. "Hridhay..." i call out, and the flat line on the monitor answered me that my husband is no more. 

Journeys : Episode 16

Tara

Its been a week since Shravya left and things are getting back to normal at home. Kathir started school and he's trying to teach Adi what he's missing (Adi seems the least interested though). Soon we will start physiotherapy for Adi, he's really looking forward to that. He still has his dull moments at home, but Kathir makes it up to him. Hridhay is busy at work with punishing deadlines and I see him only to say goodnight. But hey, these are good times, like a normal life and I am glad I have to complain only about such mundane things in life. I wonder when I can get back to work, its been a month now, but Adi needs me for some more time. Or is it that I need him more? Either way, I'm going to stay home for some more time.

I take my phone out and text "hey KP, you ok?" It immediately changes to a blue tick but boom he goes offline. I mean he need not reply to every other message of mine, but you-ok-messages need immediate attention. I put my phone down and walk around the house for a while and my phone beeps. "If you could call it so, I've been better". Maybe the blue tick and the blank screen was way better? "Come home for dinner?" "K". I walk up to Adi's room and he's sleeping peacefully. The medicines take a toll on him, but he's been doing great.

Ring goes my phone and I even before I look at the screen, I know who it is. "Hey Hridhay, what's up?" "I was missing you" "do you have a power breakdown at work?" He laughs. His laughter is so open, so full of life, and even beyond the exhaustion in him, I can feel where the laughter comes from. "What are you thinking Tara?" "Wondering when I can have a face to face conversation with you, hm?" "Thats a nice thing to think of. I wont spoil the suspense for you" "not at all funny" and I try to suppress my giggle like a school girl. "Hey OK, power restored, lets all go out for dinner, usual place, il meet you all there, bbye" and he disconnects the line and goes incognito. Even before you ask (and im sure you're used to it more than me by now) yes all includes KP.

After four trials, KP calls me back and I tell him the changed plans. I walk to Adi's room and he's awake by now. "Hey Adi... appa just called.. we're all going for dinner tonight" i look at his face for some brightness but his face falls. "Hey Adi, are you not okay? If you dont want to go, its fine, we can stay home" and then his face brightens. "No Amma, I want to go. Thats the only way I can fix what happened the last time we went for dinner. We will all come back happy this time"

Hours pass and its time to get ready. I click pictures of three dresses and send it over to my Dee and my girl gang. "Dinner tonight. Which one? Maybe special night ;)" Dee : why didnt we shop for this night? My girl gang : send pics of lingerie too you girl. I laugh loud. Here are two sets of people who always remind me where I belong. "Come onnnn.. i need a definitive answer". "Navy blue" goes all votes. I dress up, we are all ready and as I take my phone to book a cab, it rings. "Hello, we're calling from PHCC emergency, who is this?" "This is Tara" "we got your number from his last dialled contact. There has been an accident. We cannot say more, please come immediately".

Journeys : Episode 15

Tara

I try to grasp what Shravya says, transfixed and unable to shoot further questions. There will be a lot of time to get answers because now is not the time. I need to talk to Kathir. Of all of us affected by the last weeks, Kathir is the most affected one. We all wave goodbye to KP and Shravya and get back inside our home. Somehow our home feels different today. Did we get more closer, or did we all move farther apart? Only time will tell. I grab Kathir and we sit down to talk. "Amma, Adi told me he is sorry" and tears begin to roll down his eyes. "That he jumped from the esclator. Why Amma, did he not think of me?" "Kathir, sometimes we dont think, we decide too soon, and when we realise we want to correct it, it is too late. Adi was going through a bad time, he should've spoken to you, you would've made him feel better" "I know Amma, it is Aarnav's mom. She never liked Adi. She said bad things to him" "Kathir, its over. Forget it. You are Adi's only hope. Only you can help Adi recover and bring him back to normal. Let's not bother him with the past, do you understand?" "Amma, I understand everything Amma. Everything. And I will stand by Adi, because thats what I always do." I look at my little one with pride. Sometimes they grow up too soon, dont they?

As days pass, our home turns more amicable, all of us are warm towards each other, the uncomfortable air around us is gone, we have conversations over dinner, from somewhere laughter starts making its way inside, we start looking at each other's eyes. Soon it will be our home again. Hridhay Kathir and I are getting ready to go to the airport, Adi will stay with Kannamma. We reach the airport, Geetha KP and Shravya are already there. Shravya is holding KP tight, as she sees Kathir, she runs to hug him. We make normal conversation with Geetha & KP and move away so they can talk.

"Will you and Adi email me Kathir?" Kathir nods. Somehow at such situations, Adi is much better. Geetha and KP are talking, and I realize I am no longer qualified to make a wish for anyone, because most of the times, what I want for them, or rather what looks nice, is not what they want. I just hope they find peace in whatever decisions they take. After goodbyes, Geetha and Shravya walk towards immigration. KP wipes his tears and Hridhay holds him trying to offer comfort. We walk outside, Kathir holding my hands, and that second, what KP announced a week back at the dinner table flashed across my mind and my heart started to beat faster. Is KP leaving soon too?

Journeys : Episode 14

Tara

"I thought the bad thoughts will go away with me. I didn't want them bothering me anymore, I couldn't take it. I thought everything will be over. I'm sorry Amma Im sorry Appa". I hold him tight, stroking his back. Hridhay has his hands wrapped around me and we are giving Adi the warmth no words can give. From somewhere I hear Kathir and Shravya laughing at KP's jokes. I want to close my eyes and just freeze time, not because we are in the best of times, but because the worst is over and behind us, and we have some answers with us. We have a whole life to look forward to. All of us will heal and be back to normal but for now, the conversation needs to be completed. Hridhay holds my hand and nudges me so he can talk.

"Adi, always remember, we will stand by your choices. All of us have gone through this phase of raging hormones, we didnt turn into adults from nowhere. What is important is for yourself to stand by the choices you make. You have to be strong enough for what you choose. Your body tells you what is right what is wrong, your brain acts in accordance to it. So if you feel something is right, then be firm and believe in it. And when you believe in anything strongly, we are with you. No matter what the world says" adi's shoulders ease now. Hridhay continues "and about the bad thoughts, once you find your happy space, they all go away. I know badminton was your life, its going to take time to get back, but keep working on your physiotherapy. Focus. For now, you need to recover Adi."

Adi looks at Hridhay and gives a weak nod. Finally, the mother in me spoke. "Adi, i dont know why you are not comfortable talking to us, whatever it is, I respect that. But you have Kathir. It is not about if he would understand or not, it is about Kathir listening to you and maybe he will learn to think in different perspectives. He adores you and he cant stay a moment without you. So please dont bottle things up, just talk. Will you Adi?" He gives me a weak nod again. "We trust you Adi" Hridhay walks to him and takes him upstairs.

End of the day, if you ask me if I'm happy or sad, honestly I cant say. One word is I am relieved. That we got answers for whatever we looked for and we know the way ahead. Whether its going to be easy or tough is a different conversation, but one thing is we've got each others backs and that keeps us going. I hear loud noises and the party minus Adi are walking down. Shravya runs to me and gives me a hug, a peck on Kathir's cheek and announces "Amma tells me we are going to America next week."

Journeys : Episode 13

Tara

I dont know how long I took, but weeks of grief kept coming out of me. I compose myself finally and straighten up, to talk to my husband, to the loving father. He looks at me, his gaze intent, I begin to speak and he stops me. "I know Tara." I have a thousand questions to ask him, but he waves at me, and walks out of the room. Moments later he brings Adi with him. "But Hridhay is this even the right moment to have this conversation?" "No day is better or worse. At the hospital he wanted to talk to me, but i kept telling him we need to wait for you. We need to talk this through together. Let's put the past behind us" I look at Adi, the first memory of our touch flashing through my mind. I walk near him and he holds me tight, shaking, and I hold him tight, not wanting to let go. "I'm sorry Amma" the only words he could manage.

"Adi, there will be a lifetime for us to keep apologizing and making up. I am really looking forward to that. I dont want to talk about what you did. Or if it is right or wrong. I just understand that for some reason, you have lost hope in life and I want to know how we can make your life worthwhile. In our capacity" "Amma its Aarnav" he stops to take a breath. I dont want to interrupt his thoughts. "Remember the last tournament we went to? His mom came along and you stayed behind. We were in the same room and when we were alone, he held my hand. I didnt feel bad, in fact I felt very good and I held it back. Since then what Aarnav and I have shared had brought us closer than ever. Is that wrong amma?" "Thats not wrong baby. You can hold who's hands you want to. Only if you want to"

"So couple of weeks back when I went to his place, we were holding hands and his mom didnt like it. She yelled at me calling me names that I didnt even understand and said I should never ever come near Aarnav. I came home and that was the last I saw Aarnav ever. I felt something was wrong with me, something not the right way everyone else is. I kept having bad thoughts about myself, that I drove Aarnav away. He was so happy with me Amma. So was I. I thought only Kathir could give me such happiness but Aarnav could too. But he was gone and the bad thoughts kept coming. I couldnt get them out of my head. And that day while I was waiting to get down the escalator, I jumped."

Journeys : Episode 12

Tara

"....i jumped". The words reverberated in my mind. I felt like a thousand whips lashing at me, at my emptiness. Didnt anything that I do the last ten years make an impact on Adi at all? Had he never trusted me, nor had I ever been his friend in need? How did it go past me that my baby was battling suicidal thoughts and all the while I kept looking at him, I never realised? My legs begin to shake and I lean on the wall holding KP's hand. No, I will not crumble this time. I will not fall down, I will hold myself. My sons need me and I will stand by them and stand with them. I just compose myself and KP and I wait for five mintues before making some loud irrelevant conversations and entering the room. The first face I look for is Kathir. He's pale, as though he'd been stabbed by his friend, defeated and lost, looking down at the floor. Shravya is holding Adi's hand and wondering perhaps who's problem is bigger.

"Come guys, let's have dinner" i call them. KP is helping Adi walk down, Shravya holds Kathir's hands and pulls him. We sit and the table and KP breaks the silence "so hey Tara, I wanted to talk about this when Hridhay was here, but since he isnt, I want to tell you. I gave in my resignation today. I've asked them for six months". All these words no longer matter to me. It has no effect. I dont even want to ask him reasons for his choices. I just smile and say "good luck". We have some small conversations with the kids and finish dinner. The kids go back to their room, KP goes with them, and the door bell rings.

I get up to answer and a rush of emotions pass through me as Hridhay enters. I put my arms tight around him and break down on his shoulders. I attempt to speak but only tears flow down my face, on his shirt. Words fail me, like how I failed my son when he was in need, like how I failed to offer him an ear to listen when he wanted to talk, an arm to hold on to when he was weak and depressed, a shoulder to lean on to when he was defeated and a magical hug that would have probably healed him, given him the reassurance he needed. Hridhay wraps his arms tight around me, leaning his chin on my shoulders and whispering words that I know are far from reality. "It's gonna be okay Tara".