I stand at the door of our home watching his land rover pull away. Shouldnt I be feeling heavy that he's leaving? My heart feels as light as it was minutes back. There are a hundred questions that arise within, but I'm going to let everything rest. Time will answer them. For now, I need to make breakfast for my boys and Kannamma, they will be home soon. I play some mild music, get to work, and the boys are home. "Did you have fun?" Adi yawns, Kathir speaks up "Amma they had so many games that we didnt even know, we kept losing and finally kannamma just bet them all. She's the coolest ever" and he leans on her. "Hm". "Did you have fun Amma?" "Yes baby, I did have fun"
We have breakfast, the boys go to their room and I help Kannamma. "Are you okay Tara?" I know this was not a passing question, and sometimes I wonder if Dee has put a part of herself in Kannamma before sending her. "I dont know kannamma" she looks at me and hands me some apple "tell me what do you know then, if you want to". I've always been comfortable in talking to Kannamma, she is more of our family now, but point is, I honestly dont know how I feel. "There are just so many things kannamma and I dont know which one to focus on" she looks at me hands folded, her face breaking into a knowing smile.
"Are you worried about the distance between you and KP?" "Not at all Kannamma and thats why I am confused. Maybe I have not fully accepted that hes going to be leaving in two weeks and everything feels unreal to me. Maybe a part of me wishes, or rather is very sure that he is going to stand at our doorstep and announce that he changed his plans for me." "Did you tell him this is how you feel?" "No, I didnt" "sometimes, the best way to sort out a confusion is to confront, I have been a coward and regret it till date, and look at what I missed. I am happy in life, but a part of me always aches for him"
"But Kannamma I am not sure what I want for us. I don't know what I can offer him. I am not sure yet" "then the best is to let time answer all your questions. Oh this is going to be so hard on you my dear" and she hugs me. I swallow a huge lump and the heat passes from my throat all the way down to my stomach. Somehow my body seemed to resist tears, I didnt feel like crying. My mind was reaching a point where everything was wrong, what I felt, what I wanted in life. Days pass and the constant battle within had reached a conclusion, maybe the distance will help, the distance will give us more answers.
So here we are, he's leaving early tomorrow morning. The kids bade goodbye to him and Kathir had made a card for Shravya which his friend came and collected. He must be at the airport, checking in, so I wait until its an hour before his flight and call. "Heyy, finally you decided to call me" "Hmm, I thought I should be bare minimum courteous" the sound of his laughter gave me goosebumps. "I thought you'd come to the airport Tara, but I understand" his voice was disappointed, but there was this hidden excitement in him, just waiting to burst. "Safe travels KP, stay who you are" "You too Tara" and the boarding call is announced in the background.
After sometime, unable to lie in bed, I walk to Kannamma's room "Kannamma, I'm going for a walk, just the park nearby" "just a second Tara, I'll come with you" "No kannamma, I need to be by myself" she walks me to the door and hugs me. Its cold outside, the icy desert winds choking me, I put my hands inside my sweat shirt and walk along the park. The yellow and pink flowers talking of fond memories of the magical morning with KP, the warmth of his hands on my palm. I reach the clearing and stand still at the open space, staring at the sky, to find tiny lights gaining altitude. I check the time and yes, it must be his flight.
I look at flight reaching a high point and absolving itself into the vast infinite sky. I feel a plop on my head, I look down to see more rain drops, and even before I realize, tears start streaming down my face. I kneel down, no longer having the energy stand up. I put my hands on my face and sob, the rain offering me a perfect camouflage, but who am I hiding things from? I feel warm hands on my shoulders and my heart paces, I turn to see Kannamma standing there with two umbrellas. She helps me get up and I hold her tight, sobbing on her shoulders, she throws the umbrellas down and holds me back, from one woman to another, from one regret to another.
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