He looks different today, is it the extra happiness that he's leaving? Well whatever, thing is, he looks very radiant. All this while, I always felt something was missing in him, and today he looks complete. "So, in two weeks KP?" He nods his head. It's going to be a huge change for me, to live without him. I mean not just the chauffeur services, but the last weeks, I've found peace in so many ways talking to him. But what's there, he's still going to be a phone call away. Wouldn't it be the same? I sincerely wish it would. "Shravya must be so excited!" I'm really excited for Shravya, she dotes on KP. "She's been sending me an endless list of things she wants from the house and its half the cargo". "Clever girl". Just two weeks, and they days are going to fly away. Even before we realise, we are going to reach there. Most likely that today is the last day we meet and I'm trying to tell myself nothing is going to change.
We start having dinner and he tells me about the things in Atlanta. The beautiful landscapes, the busy town, magical snow and how he cant wait to see Shravya experience her first snow. I dont want to interrupt his flow of thoughts, and it gives me joy to see that twinkle in his eyes. "But then..." he started to say, and I know what it is "dont you. You look forward to moving KP, just stick to that. You dont have to make it sound like it was a hard choice" and I laugh. I feel very light, this moment, and somehow I dont feel like holding back any of my thoughts. Or instincts.
"Everything is so good Tara, but you didn't have to take so much trouble for me" "oh no no. This was not for you, the boys have potluck and stay over. We're just having the left overs" which was the truth. I had to make four dishes, two for each of them and thats more than dinner. The last eleven years, everything has been double for me. Agony or ecstasy, its always multiplied. He laughs with me and we finish dinner. We clear the table, do the dishes together and set everything in its place. I scramble and find my night time medicines and he brings water for me. Now what is this, are we setting goals for old age? I gobble up the medicines and we sit on the couch.
"What are you going to do Tara?" I know this is not about now or tonight, I know this is about the next months or years or whatever the future beholds for us. I shake my head, half in denial and the other half in sincere lack of an answer. He moves closer to me and takes my hand in his. "I know this is something none of us can answer nor control, but knowing whats in your mind will make me a bit better" "I have no plans right now KP. I have a job, Adi can start school in April, there's Kannamma and life will go on. Maybe we will stumble upon something new some day and the other days we will try and find some order amidst the chaos we live in".
I squeeze his hands, trying to hold back the tears. I dont want to cry anymore. I mean crying is not a weakness, but it drains me of all the energy I've gathered and I have to start all over again. I will not cry. "...And find a new norm, and if at all, some peace" he completed my sentence. I close my eyes and think that life without Hridhay is always new to me, in every dimension. He moves closer to me, pushing the strands of hair on my face aside, behind my ears. We kiss and I put all my thoughts behind me. What happened next was magical, and hours later i find myself lying in bed next to him in the wee hours of the morning. He looks at me deep into my eyes, the twinkle in his eyes still intact and in fact brighter. He smiles at me, one of those smiles that come deep from the heart and makes those ears move, I smile back at him. Do my eyes twinkle too? Or is it a mere reflection of his?
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