Journeys : The destination

So yes, this is the last episode. I cant thank all of you enough for following journeys until the very end, it means a lot to me. 

Just one request, please read this episode top to bottom, do not scroll to the last line right away :) i hope you can do this for me. 

Tara

"....Tara will you marry me" I look deep into his eyes and I didnt need more reassurance he meant every word of it. He slides a ring around my finger and I feel electrified, unable to do anything. "Tara, are you okay?" "I'm okay KP, lets leave for the airport". My mind is running a hundred threads at once, unable to settle down. As we drive, we reach barricaded roads and are pulled out of our vehicles by the local police. "Sir, we have some security issues, you may have to stay behind and help us". "Sir can she go? She has a flight in four hours" and I show them my tickets and ID. KP nods at me and mouths an I'll-be-okay-you-leave and I walk back into the cab and reach the airport. 

Sometimes, or rather many times, I've always felt that life doesn't offer even the smallest of my wishes. I mean we didnt even have the opportunity to complete the conversation, and dont I deserve to be given a decent goodbye? Why does life always have to throw such horrible odds at me? I walk into the airport, check in my luggage and reach the gate. I keep checking my phone, but no luck, no news from KP. I wait until the last boarding call and walk into the flight and take my seat. 

I look at the ring, it twinkles at me, just like his eyes do. The last year, both of us had come closer and reached a point to take any kind of answers. I've always dreaded this question but all my thoughts have leaned only towards this. To me, atleast today, marriage is not just between KP and me. There are so many dynamics around, and thankfully today we form a delicate equilibrium. I dont want to disturb this, maybe I'm a coward, but we are in the best place we could be. 

I settle down in my seat, fasten my seat belt and my phone rings. "I know the answer Tara, I always did. But my heart had to ask you" i have a hundred questions to ask, if he was okay and back home, but this one had to be completed. "I dont want this for us KP. Now is not a good time" "Hmmm, will we be okay?" "Yes we will. Hey KP, can i keep the ring though? It is so you" "well atleast thats half an answer" "so how did it go with the police?" "Long story, you get home, I'll tell you" The sound of his breath deafens my ears in the moments of silence between us and there is no sign of further conversation. And suddenly he opens his mouth "Tara, will you go with me to the valley of flowers?" My face breaks into a smile and a stream of tears start flowing down, my heart feels light and my throat chokes me, not letting me open my mouth, I nod my head hard "I take it as a yes Tara, your earrings tell me so". 

The pilot calls for take off and i put my phone inside. The tears dont stop and the last year of my life comes in front of me, frame by frame. I've cried so many times in the last year, but these tears are tears of relief. That all of us have reached a point of mutual peace and coexistence. I cry into my hands and the man next to me hands me some tissues. I take it, wipe my face and utter a weak thank you. "Are you okay kid" he asks, sounding just like my dad would. I nod my head, well not just my head, but deep down I strongly believe everything is okay. I look at him and he has this peaceful face, strong shoulders and a very fit build for his age. He must be sixty? I have no idea. 

"So kid, where does this flight take you" I smile inside, thinking of Adi, Kathir and all the struggles, how every one around us supported us to bring us where we are today. Thankful. "I'm going home sir" and I nod my head. Yes. I'm going home. Where I belong, where all of us belong together as us. "And you sir? Where does this flight take you?" He gives me a wide smile. "I wish I could give a definitive answer. Its the beginning of a long journey, in search of my Kannamma".

THE END

Journeys : Episode 34

KP

Ah there she is, finally! Was it a bad idea to have worn Hridhay's shirt? Too late, and why is she holding the trolley as though the trolley is pulling her forward? Are you okay Tara? I walk to the front and she finally lets the trolley go and gives me a hug. Whew. I feel warm inside, and yes lighter. "Welcome Tara" she gives me a bright smile that reassures you that everything is normal now. We talk of what we I've planned for her the next two weeks and what she wants to do while she is here. We finally fix an agenda by the time we get home.

We get down from the cab and I open the gate for her. "I want to see the garden KP" "hey, don't you want to see your room first?" She smiles. We leave the luggage in her room and I take her to my garden, flowers in bloom, just waiting for her. She walks through the flowers, not touching them, but silently conversing with them, I could see it in her eyes. "Hey what are you telling them Tara?" "Its a secret, maybe they will tell you after I've gone" i laugh and she laughs with me, we hold hands and walk through the garden. 

"You've done a wonderful job KP. I'm not flattering you, but every leaf speaks of your efforts" "it was not easy, but I found an escape hole in it. Being in a new place, living all by myself, I needed something to come home to, to wake up to. There have been days where I sat all night at the garden, not knowing what to do, just looking at the sky. The garden healed me and brought me here" she stroked me cheek fondly. "Im so glad you did this". "Yes Tara, I'm glad too. I no longer wanted to live in a house, I wanted a home, and I finally understood what it takes to build a home"

We walk inside the house and I feel calm, there is no restlessness in me. We talk over dinner, the conversations never ending, I dont know when we slept, of if it was the next day or the day after. All I knew was, every morning, I was waking up in her arms and I couldnt ask more out of life. The days were straight out of a fairy tale, blue skies, her hair blowing on my face, holding her arms, walking endless distances, watching the sun rise and set, talking of so many things that life could hold. Two weeks passed and reality hit me. I walk into her room and shes packing her suitcase, every gift that went in is a memory to me, a conversation. 

"So Tara, did you have fun?" She looks at me and rolls her eyes. I help her put a few things into the suitcases, and finally we are done. You dont realise fully that someone is leaving until the luggage reaches the living room. As I pulled her cases across the living room, my heart felt heavy. I leave the suitcase down and walk to her. "Hey Tara..." and take her hands in mine, looking straight into her eyes. She looks deep into my eyes, what do I see? Fear? Or is that anxiety. "I dont know what I have been to you all these days, but you have always been special to me. Every word we spoke, every place we travelled to and every mile we walked holds a special place in my heart. You inspire me, the things you do, the way you hold yourself at all times, the way you bring your family together. Family, hmmm. I wish I could be part of that, I dont know if I am fortunate enough Tara, but I guess if I never ask you, I'll never get to know. Tara, will you marry me?"

Journeys : Episode 33

Tara

We were playing loud music in our system "livin la vida loca..." and that exactly was how my life has been last couple of months. Crazy. Adi started school in April, his physiotherapy is now more rigorous. Most probably the next academic term he will begin badminton (he cant wait). Kathir is helping Adi as much as he can, sitting with him, accompanying him to physiotherapy, in general just sticking on to him like a leech. Kannamma does beyond what she has to do for us, she's family. Lastly yes.. KP. He's doing good, he now has a work life balance (he nurses his garden!). I'm so glad for him and inwardly excited to be visiting him next week! 

My life in general is crazy, juggling between the boys, work and home, but life is exciting. We have some new routines (like mandatory dine out Thursdays, early morning cycling on Saturdays) and try to snuggle excitment amidst a pile of chaos. So yes, I'm all set to leave for Atlanta, all shopped and packed with the help of the girls of my life. Shravya and Geetha are in India for the vacation. Dee invited Adi, Kathir and Kannamma to spend time with them but Adi and Kathir refused because Adi doesnt want to miss his therapy. 

On one side, I cant wait to get some fresh breath, I do feel guilty to say this, but I think I deserve this. On the other side, I'm going to miss the boys and Kannamma. The last months has brought us closer than ever, every single movement of our routine is a combined effort. Yes yes not dwelling on it, what do I have to complain, I get to spend time with KP! I feel like a school girl these days, butterflies in my stomach. Too many songs playing in my mind but this one tops the list "avvaaru nokkinaal evvaaru naanuven kannadi munnindru paarthukonden". 

On the contrary, what if I dont feel anything at all when I meet him? I will go with my vibes, let me not overthink. I close my eyes and I see a flash of KP the last time we were together. I get goosebumps instantly and smile. Everything is going to be okay. Days pass, and I'm here, waiting to get down from the flight, a million questions in my mind, and yet my feet taking me forward. I collect my luggage and push the trolley forward, loading my entire anxiety on it. As i walk out of the gate, it was not hard to spot him amidst the crowd. Wearing Hridhay's bottle green shirt, he stood out, an aura around his head, and the twinkle in his eyes intact as it was six months back. 

Journeys : Episode 32

KP

I'm just not able to sit down, I keep walking at the airport scanning through all the faces around, if only she would come. Only when the phone rang moments before boarding, I realised she wasn't going to come. I walk into the flight and take my seat, looking out of the window. As the flight took off, I see those magnificent buildings turn into specks, the lights turn into tiny twinkles, and as the flight plunged into the skies, everything below turned into nothingness, into a past tense. A past that held the last fifteen years of my life, a past with special memories, so many firsts, so many mistakes, love and heartbreaks, so many stories, a past that I am moving away from. 

The next fifteen hours of my flight was the longest ever, fifteen hours of wait moving away from one love into the arms of the other. The flight lands and I walk through the queue for immigration. Wouldn't it be easier if they deny entry? Isn't it easier for all of us if our life changing decisions are taken by someone else? After everything is done, I wait near the luggage conveyor, and take my phone to text Tara. Hey, landed, all ok, waiting for luggage. Wow, how do you feel? Shravya must be so excited! She better be, I thought. Will call you after I get home. Tc. 

So everything is set here, my villa, my transport to work everything. I hope I can start driving soon, I need to. I pick my luggage and start pushing the trolley and hail a cab to take me home. Home. I am going to try this time and make this a home, not another fortress. As the taxi glided through, I try to absolve myself into the concrete magic around. I'm tired already, I need some sleep. Hi, get some sleep, we will bring food for you by seven. We. I'm glad she is bringing Shravya along. I reach and I look at my villa, which seems like a palace. The house smelled good, like someone had just cleaned the place moments back. I slowly unpack my belongings and in my mind I'm already wondering which room I should save for Tara. 

I'm still unpacking and Geetha and Shravya arrive. My eyes look only for my love and she runs into my arms, climbs on me and hugs me tight. Times like these are when you get all the reassurance you need. "Appa didn't you have a bath yet? Eeks" "in sometime baby, I just wanted you to smell what Qatar is" "yuck appa" Geetha and I shake hands and she settles on the couch. "Appa Kathir said he's sent me a card, where is it?" "Do you want to come and take it yourself?" "Only if you carry me" i carry her along the stairs and we open the suitcase together. "Let me change baby" She takes the card and runs down to show it to Geetha. I try to bring myself to this place, to my new home and start undressing. I remove the belt and I realise something in my pocket needs safekeeping. I remove the box and open it, a simple ring with her name, two diamonds by each side, two stars, my heart and hers for the star that she is, Tara. I close the lid and put it inside the safe. For now. 

Journeys : Episode 31

Tara

I stand at the door of our home watching his land rover pull away. Shouldnt I be feeling heavy that he's leaving? My heart feels as light as it was minutes back. There are a hundred questions that arise within, but I'm going to let everything rest. Time will answer them. For now, I need to make breakfast for my boys and Kannamma, they will be home soon. I play some mild music, get to work, and the boys are home. "Did you have fun?" Adi yawns, Kathir speaks up "Amma they had so many games that we didnt even know, we kept losing and finally kannamma just bet them all. She's the coolest ever" and he leans on her. "Hm". "Did you have fun Amma?" "Yes baby, I did have fun"

We have breakfast, the boys go to  their room and I help Kannamma. "Are you okay Tara?" I know this was not a passing question, and sometimes I wonder if Dee has put a part of herself in Kannamma before sending her. "I dont know kannamma" she looks at me and hands me some apple "tell me what do you know then, if you want to". I've always been comfortable in talking to Kannamma, she is more of our family now, but point is, I honestly dont know how I feel. "There are just so many things kannamma and I dont know which one to focus on" she looks at me hands folded, her face breaking into a knowing smile. 

"Are you worried about the distance between you and KP?" "Not at all Kannamma and thats why I am confused. Maybe I have not fully accepted that hes going to be leaving in two weeks and everything feels unreal to me. Maybe a part of me wishes, or rather is very sure that he is going to stand at our doorstep and announce that he changed his plans for me." "Did you tell him this is how you feel?" "No, I didnt" "sometimes, the best way to sort out a confusion is to confront, I have been a coward and regret it till date, and look at what I missed. I am happy in life, but a part of me always aches for him" 

"But Kannamma I am not sure what I want for us. I don't know what I can offer him. I am not sure yet" "then the best is to let time answer all your questions. Oh this is going to be so hard on you my dear" and she hugs me. I swallow a huge lump and the heat passes from my throat all the way down to my stomach. Somehow my body seemed to resist tears, I didnt feel like crying. My mind was reaching a point where everything was wrong, what I felt, what I wanted in life. Days pass and the constant battle within had reached a conclusion, maybe the distance will help, the distance will give us more answers. 

So here we are, he's leaving early tomorrow morning. The kids bade goodbye to him and Kathir had made a card for Shravya which his friend came and collected. He must be at the airport, checking in, so I wait until its an hour before his flight and call. "Heyy, finally you decided to call me" "Hmm, I thought I should be bare minimum courteous" the sound of his laughter gave me goosebumps. "I thought you'd come to the airport Tara, but I understand" his voice was disappointed, but there was this hidden excitement in him, just waiting to burst. "Safe travels KP, stay who you are" "You too Tara" and the boarding call is announced in the background. 

After sometime, unable to lie in bed, I walk to Kannamma's room "Kannamma, I'm going for a walk, just the park nearby" "just a second Tara, I'll come with you" "No kannamma, I need to be by myself" she walks me to the door and hugs me. Its cold outside, the icy desert winds choking me, I put my hands inside my sweat shirt and walk along the park. The yellow and pink flowers talking of fond memories of the magical morning with KP, the warmth of his hands on my palm. I reach the clearing and stand still at the open space, staring at the sky, to find tiny lights gaining altitude. I check the time and yes, it must be his flight. 

I look at flight reaching a high point and absolving itself into the vast infinite sky. I feel a plop on my head, I look down to see more rain drops, and even before I realize, tears start streaming down my face. I kneel down, no longer having the energy stand up. I put my hands on my face and sob, the rain offering me a perfect camouflage, but who am I hiding things from? I feel warm hands on my shoulders and my heart paces, I turn to see Kannamma standing there with two umbrellas. She helps me get up and I hold her tight, sobbing on her shoulders, she throws the umbrellas down and holds me back, from one woman to another, from one regret to another. 

Journeys : Episode 30

KP

Her skin on mine felt surreal and I lie down gazing at her eyes that finally look relaxed. "How do you feel?" I needed to know, because her eyes were always a fortress of her mind "I feel happy, relaxed and nice". Nice. Is it nice awesome or nice okay?? "And you KP?" "I feel so many things, but the topmost being complete" she smiles and gets out of the bed, "come lets have coffee". We walk down, hand in hand along the stairs and start brewing coffee. She hums a tune as she pours water into the machine, and I feel whatever she was holding back is gone. She seems her old self. 

"Hey Tara, I want to ask you something" "Hm?" "Will you visit me in Atlanta sometime? Like a vacation?" She looks at me, her eyes still relaxed, and coolly moves towards her coffee cup and starts sipping. Ahem, didnt I ask a question? Should I ask again? I'm sure she heard me, but maybe she doesnt want to answer? Or does she think I'm asking her because of last night. Oh no the thoughts need to stop. My coffee mug rescues me and I take a sip, the flow of warmth through my throat instantly rejuvenates me. "Hey Tara, you wanna go for a walk? I need to leave by seven, the packers will be home by 730" she looks at her watch, of course she does, its five thirty in the morning. "Lets go KP".

We walk to the nearby park and there is cool breeze. This time of the year, it feels unusually cold for a desert, the wind slaps on your face with sharp stings. The park is an open one, right behind the airport and its a huge land of open space and dates trees along the periphery. As we walk a few steps, she takes my hand, her hands cold and we walk. So many flights taking off, one after the other and I've never known Qatar airport to be so busy. Maybe I've been blinded to all the goodness in this country and never called my house a home. 

As we walk in silence, I wonder if she will ever answer my question from the coffee table but more moments of silence and I give up hope. We walk beneath the yellow and pink flowers and she finally opens her mouth to speak "this time of the year is so beautiful, isnt it KP?" I dont know where this conversation is going to lead but I nod my head "I mean there is so much beauty in our desert. These flowers, the migratory birds all of them come here to welcome something special. But then, what's more beautiful than these? What comes next is only the harsh summer right? After all these years, I finally agree, that the beauty of the desert is in summer, those bunches of dates that hang in the heat waiting to ripen, some waiting to dry and fall"

I get an intense lecture about the desert ecosystem, some of the things she told me fascinated me, that there is beauty beyond flakes of snow, colorful flowers and birds. We hold hands and walk back home, I shake her hands and say goodbye. I start the engine and my music player starts playing my mind. Iravingu theevai namai soozhudhe, vidiyalum irulai varudhe... as the song played, I replay the last evening in my mind, and as the last conversation relayed in my mind, word perfect, I realized she had given me an answer. Tara was going to visit me during the desert's summer. 

Journeys : Episode 29

Tara

He looks different today, is it the extra happiness that he's leaving? Well whatever, thing is, he looks very radiant. All this while, I always felt something was missing in him, and today he looks complete. "So, in two weeks KP?" He nods his head. It's going to be a huge change for me, to live without him. I mean not just the chauffeur services, but the last weeks, I've found peace in so many ways talking to him. But what's there, he's still going to be a phone call away. Wouldn't it be the same? I sincerely wish it would. "Shravya must be so excited!" I'm really excited for Shravya, she dotes on KP. "She's been sending me an endless list of things she wants from the house and its half the cargo". "Clever girl". Just two weeks, and they days are going to fly away. Even before we realise, we are going to reach there. Most likely that today is the last day we meet and I'm trying to tell myself nothing is going to change. 

We start having dinner and he tells me about the things in Atlanta. The beautiful landscapes, the busy town, magical snow and how he cant wait to see Shravya experience her first snow. I dont want to interrupt his flow of thoughts, and it gives me joy to see that twinkle in his eyes. "But then..." he started to say, and I know what it is "dont you. You look forward to moving KP, just stick to that. You dont have to make it sound like it was a hard choice" and I laugh. I feel very light, this moment, and somehow I dont feel like holding back any of my thoughts. Or instincts. 

"Everything is so good Tara, but you didn't have to take so much trouble for me" "oh no no. This was not for you, the boys have potluck and stay over. We're just having the left overs" which was the truth. I had to make four dishes, two for each of them and thats more than dinner. The last eleven years, everything has been double for me. Agony or ecstasy, its always multiplied. He laughs with me and we finish dinner. We clear the table, do the dishes together and set everything in its place. I scramble and find my night time medicines and he brings water for me. Now what is this, are we setting goals for old age? I gobble up the medicines and we sit on the couch. 

"What are you going to do Tara?" I know this is not about now or tonight, I know this is about the next months or years or whatever the future beholds for us. I shake my head, half in denial and the other half in sincere lack of an answer. He moves closer to me and takes my hand in his. "I know this is something none of us can answer nor control, but knowing whats in your mind will make me a bit better" "I have no plans right now KP. I have a job, Adi can start school in April, there's Kannamma and life will go on. Maybe we will stumble upon something new some day and the other days we will try and find some order amidst the chaos we live in". 

I squeeze his hands, trying to hold back the tears. I dont want to cry anymore. I mean crying is not a weakness, but it drains me of all the energy I've gathered and I have to start all over again. I will not cry. "...And find a new norm, and if at all, some peace" he completed my sentence. I close my eyes and think that life without Hridhay is always new to me, in every dimension. He moves closer to me, pushing the strands of hair on my face aside, behind my ears. We kiss and I put all my thoughts behind me. What happened next was magical, and hours later i find myself lying in bed next to him in the wee hours of the morning. He looks at me deep into my eyes, the twinkle in his eyes still intact and in fact brighter. He smiles at me, one of those smiles that come deep from the heart and makes those ears move, I smile back at him. Do my eyes twinkle too? Or is it a mere reflection of his?

Journeys : Episode 28

KP

Thanks I type, awaiting a response. Anything Tara, a thumbs up, a smiley, just anything. Please dont blue tick me. I have so many things to talk to you and to hear you talk about. I keep looking at the screen for ten long minutes only to be disappointed. I've always wondered how caught-in-a-web would feel like, but not anymore. I know exactly how it feels. I want to utter so many complaints, but then, there's always this longer line that I keep looking at and hold myself back to being thankful. 

Days pass, we drive together to work, trying to share what best of conversations we can. Perhaps thats the best I can offer? I drop her back home and she reminds me "hey KP, good luck for the interview tomorrow". There are so many things in my mind, the tickets are blocked. I have to leave in two weeks, winding up my fifteen years of life from here. Everything is ready, like a closely engineered contraption, all it needs is the first nudge. One half of me keeps saying its just a change of place, everything else will be pretty much the same. The other half of me dreads having to be in an entirely new place. There's only one thing that drives this choice of mine, Shravya. When I think of her, everything seems doable. 

Time seems to whizz by, and I hear the interviewer saying "your Visa has been granted". I come out of the embassy and call Tara first. "Hey, its done. I got the Visa". "Oh, how do you feel KP?" Is this the moment to be honest with her and tell her that I am torn between Shravya and her? Or perhaps the moment passed already and it doesnt matter anymore? I wish I had more time to spend with Tara before leaving. "KP are you there? Can you hear me?" "Yes. I feel nervous" she laughs and the sound of her laughter brings my anxiety down. "Are you free for dinner tonight KP?" "Yes sure, I'll pick you up". 

I go home and change into comfortable clothes. I start making a list of things to give away and things to add into the cargo, although it hadn't entirely sunk in me, I was moving out of this country. Ive never been emotionally attached to this place, it has always been a place of work and a place where everything was. To me, Qatar meant Hridhay, Tara and Shravya. Nothing more, or should I say nothing less? Hours pass and to my surprise, I seem to have finished organizing the entire house on a piece of paper. Its almost time, I shower and leave. 

As I park the car in the garage, I smell something delicious. Ah Kannamma, what a lovely cook she is. I'm going to convince Tara to eat home and probably take a long walk. I ring the bell and Tara opens the door, the moon light twinkling in her eyes. "Hey Tara..." she puts her finger on my mouth and stops me. "Kannamma and the kids are out. They will be back only tomorrow afternoon. Is it ok if we eat here?" I smile at her. Today, I feel something different when I'm with Tara. I've been alone with her on so many instances all these years, but today, this moment, I feel different. Point is, is it different-good or different-bad? I dont think the answer is so difficult to decipher.