Journeys : Episode 27

Tara

I say goodbye and enter our home, the boys waiting for me. The moment they see me, the three of them break into a giggle. Seriously, Kannamma? I'm split between giving out an obvious blush or yelling at them and skillfully suppress both and try to walk into the washroom. I wash myself, change and as I walk out into the living room, more giggles. "Amma did you have..." and Kathir giggles. Adi rolls his eyes "cant even talk, this kid, Amma did you have a date with KP?" And all three of them erupt into laughter. Very very mature you kids. Half of me wishes I could join them in their laughter, be a part of that gang. But then, I'm a parent and I need to act like one atleast some times of the day. 

"Yes.." and I try to keep my face straight. Adi wipes the tears from his face and opens his mouth "Amma did you have fun?" What? Why did the conversation turn so mature all of a sudden? "Yes Adi, it was fun" "we had fun too with kannamma." Yeah I can see that you kids, you and your giggle gang. We talk about the movie for a while and what each of us ate, Adi and Kathir asking questions like "Amma did KP pull out the chair for you? Did he open the door?". Is this the moment I talk about Aarnav? No. It can wait until morning. Our conversation goes on into midnight and only when Kannamma starts yawning do we realise it's late. I tuck the boys in and go to my room. I lie down on my bed, open my kindle and even before i finish a page, my eyes automatically shut and i drift off into deep sleep after what feels like years.

I think I slept too long, because the moment I wake up, I already here voices from downstairs. I brush, freshen up and join them and they are busy discussing lunch menu. I sit down, and I think now is the moment to start the Aarnav conversation. "So Adi, Aarnav's dad had called" his face brightens and wilts at the same time, and I slowly tell him about the badminton academy. "You can think and tell me Adi, there is no hurry." I think if it is right to make an almost eleven year old to make decisions, arent they too young. But then, I have also seen that children have the most unique perspectives about everything, and I want to hear from Adi what he wants. 

"I dont want to go Amma, I want to stay here". "Adi if this is about leaving all of us..." he stops me mid way. "Its not about that Ma, its about my coach, I cant leave him and go" I look at him with pride. He was right. His coach has been with him since he was five, and even now, he joins some of his physiotherapy sessions. I didnt think of him at all, but Adi was right. He has always brought the best out of Adi and we are grateful. I nod my head at Adi, and my face breaks into a wide smile before I put the next question to him. "Hey Adi, Aarnav wants to talk to you, do you want to too?". I dont know if I saw a twinkle in his eyes, or if they disappeared too soon, and I instantly regret having asked him that question. "I want to talk to him Amma, yes". 

We all get up from the table and the boys go upstairs, I help kannamma clean, and take my mobile and sit down. Hi pops up a message, its KP. Hi, whats up? Need to tell you something. Hm? My visa interview is scheduled for next Thursday. I want to say late news, but i just send a thumbs up and good luck KP. Thanks he says. Sometimes you dont need to be told when a conversation is closed. 

Journey's: Episode 26

Tara

We sat there at the dinner table facing each other, my mind still replaying the conversation with Aarnav's dad. He seemed to be a good hearted person, having taken the trouble to contact me. "There is a badminton academy here, I want to enrol him, but he feels its a good place for Adi also to be. The training is very structured and they also have their own regular school and balance badminton and academics. Our company has tie ups with them, and mam you may want to consider sending Adi, I can save a place for him". If Adi was in good health, he wouldnt need anyone saving a place for him, I wanted to say. But he seemed to have called with good intentions. I explained the last couple of weeks of our family and he seemed very compassionate. He said I could send Adi whenever he was ready. All this was ok, but there was one thing, perhaps thats why he had called me, that Aarnav wanted to talk to Adi. 

"Hey Tara, everything ok?" "Yes yes. Everything is. I need some soup" i didnt want to start or relay the conversation with Aarnav's dad to KP. I mean not that he would not listen or that I'm not comfortable sharing it with him, but just that I wanted to have some conversation with him outside of all this. I will eventually deal with everything, just the matter of time, but dinner out doesnt come by that often. "Hey Tara, do you like it here?" "Yes yes the food here is very good" "oh no no. I meant do you like Qatar, as in the life here". 

Our soup was served and as the hot fluid slid down my throat, I felt some kind of a new energy emanating from within. "Yes, I like it here. So many things, the culture, the strict rules, the hot summers and the windy winters, my job, the home that we live in is just perfect and going back there every night makes me feel belonged. I know everything is a routine, you may call it monotonous, but every day has its own challenges and in my capacity, I do my best and I am glad we go through to the next day. I love it here"

I look at him unable to read his expression, I mean was it some kind of a test? I move on to the other dishes and we have some light talk, some passing jokes (I actually laughed loud for a couple of them) and even before we realise, its time to leave. He asks for the bill and I take my phone out to call Kannamma to ask if they are home, only to find my phone switched off. "Hey KP, I need to call Kannamma, my phone is blank". He hands me over his phone "2507 is the password, I'll pay the bill and wait outside, you finish talking and come" "I wont be long KP". I go to the restroom and wash my hands, take his phone and enter the password. The homescreen has a message notification and I accidentally open it - your visa interview is scheduled for.... I feel embarrassed, mark the message as unread and call Kannamma. They were home and waiting for me. 

Journeys : Episode 25

KP

"Hey KP are you free for dinner this weekend?" I read and re read until I could see the text in white everytime my eyes blinked. Not that I'm being judgmental, but there is this little set of butterflies in my stomach. I never thought about this in detail, it was a spur-of-the-moment question. I mean, she was free to say NO to me, at any point of time, so I'm going to respect her decision and my own feelings, and well let the butterflies linger. Talking about feelings, there isn't anything concrete yet, but maybe something very light, yes yes some butterflies and thats it. I wait for the day to pass, so I can meet Tara again when we go home, and talk more to the butterflies inside me. 

I wait by my car and she's walking very very slowly, holding on tight to the strings of her backpack. I could run to her and hold her hand, but she likes walking that way, I've noticed. She likes to have those few moments of maybe what peace-with-herself instances, and the way her face glows those times is just magical. One could just keep watching her do that. Okay KP, stop. "Hi KP, have you been waiting for long?" I smile and shake my head. "Lets go Tara". My heart is now pacing fast, wondering what to talk about and she starts talking "hey KP, can we go for dinner Thursday night? The kids and kannamma are going for movie and dinner, just check and let me know" Like my social calendar is full. I nod my head and we continue to talk about things that have no bearing in our lives. 

The thing I like about Tara is she never makes me feel uncomfortable, because between her and me there are so many things. Like she's my best friend's wife and we lost him only sometime back. Im not bothered about what anyone else would say, I just want to make sure I dont hurt her, or myself in the process. Good thing is she also knows how to say NO, but whether I'm in a place to take that NO is an entirely different subject. Lets deal with that when it comes. For now, I just have to plan for Thursday night. As days pass, I'm getting more jittery. Its Thursday and I have to pick her up at 7. 

I park my car at her parking, walk towards the door and push it slightly and it opens. I walk inside the hall and sit on the sofa "hey Tara I'm here". "I'll be down in a couple of minutes KP. Almost done". I sit on the sofa not knowing what to do. I look at the photo frame at the table beside, the four of them laughing at some joke, Hridhay's hair flying with the wind, Adi's face on Hridhay's shoulder, Kathir and Tara holding hands. I could almost hear them laugh, each of their voices distinct, what a perfect moment. I touch my friend's face, as though I would feel the warmth of his skin. "Im sorry KP.." I turn to look at her, at the top of the stairs, and that instant im transported to the present, to where I am and where we are. 

She looked radiant, taking every step with confidence, her eyes looked clear and maybe did carry a little twinkle. I walk to the end of the stairs to greet her and she shakes my hand and looks at me. She fixes the collar of my tshirt and I laugh. She smiles, looking deep into my eyes and puts her hand on my chest. My heart has been racing as it is, and this sent it to tachycardia. I put my hand on hers, and my heart steadied. I take her hand l, give it a squeeze and look into her eyes. Yes, her eyes did twinkle. She moved towards me, closing in on the inches between us. I feel her warmth radiating, she brings her face forward and pecks my cheek. I let it linger, sinking inside the moment we are in and take her face in my arms. That instant, her phone rang, and im sure people even three blocks down could hear it.

She takes a deep breath and runs to her phone and I look at her (thankfully my hands aren't still in the air cupping the face that was there moments back). I try to overhear and there are only parts that I can. I'm sorry may I know who this is...? .... how can i help you? some ooos and aaas. And finally, please give me some time. She takes her bag, puts her phone inside and walks. Neither the glow, nor the twinkle in her eyes still there. "Hey Tara, everything okay?" "Yes yes. Everything is okay. It was Aarnav's dad". 

Journeys : Episode 24

Tara

Its been a two weeks since I got back to work and finally back home we have a new routine in place. Im healing every day every minute, and the people around me help me heal. I'm at the kitchen helping Kannamma and somehow I cant resist myself from bringing this conversation up. "Kannamma, did it never ever strike you to go looking for him?" She looks at me, wipes a sweat bead off her forehead and smiles, shaking her head. "But why not?" I keep poking her, although I know I'm invading into a deep personal space. She doesnt answer me, she continues what she is doing and I move away. This is the time of social media and every now and then I read stories of people being found. I know he's going to have a family, moved on in life, but if he did feel the same way about her the way she does for him.... my thought wavers. I get ready and hear KP parking his car. 

We pick our bags, say goodbye to the boys and leave. Somehow I look forward to the morning ride to work. Few days we drive in silence and the rest of the days we keep talking without stopping, but the thing is, the silence is no longer uncomfortable. "So KP, if you want to go back to one part of your lifetime, which one is it? Just one." He looks at me giving me one of his ever radiant smile "school obviously". "Whats obvious in that?" "Because school paves way for all firsts and those things just don't leave our hearts right. First teacher, first punishment, first best friend, first gang, first crush, first heartbreak... school gives us all these memories. I would want to go back to school and live through all of these again. Like the world depended only on these little things." 

"So you want to shy away from responsibility, dont you KP?" I laugh. "Judge me all you want, but thats my answer. I dont know about you, but to me, my most memorable moments are all from school. And they always make me smile. It is always easy to continue a friendship from school after years of silence, have you ever wondered why?" "Yes I do. Maybe because they have seen the most obnoxious side of us and nothing in us can get more gross growing up?" "Ha ha. That too. I feel its because our school friendships are more unconditional, bare minimum expectations out of each other. As we grow, the number of friends that turn into friendship reduce, and finally we stop making friends. So I want to go back to school where my friends ceased to grow up and be myself for a little while longer" "but KP, with experience and age, dont we grow more open? Our thoughts and ideas, shouldnt it be more easier to make friends?" 

"Thats the logical way of life we think. But fact is, we get more closed as we grow old. We can accept thoughts, ideas and even drastic changes in the way of our living, but when it comes to taking people into confidence, we remain our same old judgmental selves." We reach and I get down from the car and say goodbye to him, letting our conversation linger. To be honest to myself, I feel better during the car ride, feel refreshed, but during the three minute walk I take from his building to mine, thats peace. "Hey Tara, will you go for dinner with me this weekend? Or next? Or whenever?" I look at him, with a blank expression. "You can answer later, whenever you feel like and whatever you feel like". I nod my head and hold on to my backpack tightly. As I walk along, the sound of birds chirping makes me smile, makes me want to whsitle my favourite tune and the wind blowing across my face, caress my cheeks conversing with my heart a million unsaid conversations. I reach my desk, pull out my phone, and my instinct types "Hey KP, are you free for dinner this weekend?". I put my phone back into the draw, open my laptop and immerse my head into a day long madness. Or at least I thought I did. 

Journeys : Episode 23

Tara

I look at her eyes twinkle with pride and wonder what sort of an iron woman would it take to not just raise an infant by herself, but make her own identity without any foundation at all. My respect for her grew multifolds. "I am now happy with the life I have. Happy is a deep word, maybe I should say contented. Good or bad, my life has been based on my choices, forced or instinctive. We all have regrets in life, in a corner of my heart is still the guy who boarded the train saying goodbye to me. A part of me still longs for him and thinks of the life that would have been, but I guess we've all come too far from there. Life moves on Tara" I look at her and nod my head. She was right. Life moves on. 

We get up from the table and I rush to get myself and Kathir ready and we come down to have breakfast. "Hey Tara, good morning!" I hear KP from the table. He's helping Kannamma pack the boxes and we are all set to leave. I hug Adi to say goodbye and he's rolling his eyes. Kathir's bus picks him up. I climb into KP's Range Rover, fasten my seatbelt and hold on tight to it. He looks at me puzzled, yet not questioning anything. "Shall we go Tara?". "Yes". My heart races and I feel like a school kid on her first day of school. "Its gonna be okay Tara, you are great at your work". "Hmmm". We continue in silence as he drove with caution. "Hey KP, drive like you always do, I'm good". He nods his head, rams his feet on the pedal and finally I understand he's comfortable to drive me. I need to finish a conversation with KP so we can drive in peace the next days. 

"KP.. im sorry. I've been wanting to talk to you since I left you behind at the hospital, somehow the courage never came". My hands tremble as I reach for my water bottle and KPs eyes well up. "He was a dear friend to you, I must say he never saw you as someone outside the family. You were always on top of his mind". Tears rolled down his face and he cleared his throat to speak. "I'm sorry Tara, this must be the hardest for you. I've never lost a friend and I've never even had to think about how it would feel to outlive a friend. I cannot let go that he had an unfulfilled life. He had so much in store and it all had to end abruptly. At the hospital when I saw him, there was only one thought. It should have been me not him."

"KP, its not your fault he is not here anymore. It is no one's fault. I'm not going to use big words and say maybe you have a purpose to be alive or whatever. More than you, I wish he were here and none of this had really happened. But it has and we have to confront this. I want to hold on to the best memories that I have of him and somehow work around the void he left us with. That is what Hridhay would want for all of us. Holding on to the survivor's guilt isn't going to help any of us. Do you know KP, Kannamma lost her husband when her son was just eight months old?". "I know Tara. She told me about her past life. She is an inspiration". 

We talk about Kannamma for sometime and the Range Rover pulls into our mini city. "KP I'll get down at your block and walk". He nods. I wave my hand and start walking towards my block. To me, always, every conversation needs to be spoken and complete. I hold on to the strings of my backpack and walk slowly, letting the thoughts tread. If only Hridhay were here life would have been entirely different. Well he isn't anymore, and like Anna sings in the most beautiful way "I follow you around

I always have, but you've gone to a place I cannot find, This grief has a gravity
It pulls me down, but a tiny voice whispers in my mind 'You are lost, hope is gone but you must go on and do the next right thing' " I will take a step forward, right or wrong for better or worse I don't know, but I will take that step. 

Journeys : Episode 22

Tara

My Fenix wakes me up and it takes a while for me to comprehend that today is the day I'm getting back to work. I brush my teeth and walk to the kitchen to find kannamma up and already at the kitchen cooking. "Your coffee is here Tara.." wow. If I was looking for motivation to get back to work, it cant get any better than this. I feel like I have all the time in the world, sipping my coffee and looking at Kannamma work meticulously. How does she feel to leave her family behind and stay with us? Not a day have I seen her face sulk or be moody, what does it take for someone to completely mask what is inside and be totally someone else outside? I walk to her and put my hands on her shoulders. "Kannamma come have coffee with me". She looks at me, puzzled, fills her cup and we sit at the kitchen table opening an endless conversation. 

"So kannamma, how many of you in your family? Im sorry I have never asked you this before..." "its okay Tara, we didnt meet at the best of circumstances. I have a son, he is married and living in Delhi with his family. My husband died when my son was eight months old..." I look at her eyes to find something but there is absolutely no emotion in her face. "I'm sorry Kannamma..." "no no dont be. I died long before he did..." I put my hand on hers, trying to reassure her. What does one say at such times? I think of Hridhay, hold her hand and let her talk. "I went to school like everyone else and fell in love, much like the textbook girl. I cant exactly explain what we shared, but we were together, bringing the best in each of us for eight years. Both of us finished school with flying colors and he had got selected with the Short Service Commission. I was supposed to go to college to do my graduation and  masters and I had decided to wait for him. He duly wrote letters to me, and I responded to every one of them, trying to bring my life alive in front of him and make him sense me in every letter. Everything went fine until my dad caught hold of one of the letters, and it wasn't one of those letters that you'd want your dad to read" a tiny tear drop had welled in the corner of her eyes. 

"There was denial at first, every conversation involved this and finally, against my will, they were going to get me married to my maternal uncle. I knew my uncle since birth, we were fifteen years apart, his wife had left him for someone else, but my uncle was a very decent person, there was nothing bad about him at all, but I loved someone else. Eventually I did marry my uncle..." I look at her eyes fill with anger, frustration and helplessness. "We got married and moved to Delhi. I told him about my affair and thought that would make him hate me. But nothing did. He never asked me for anything, we used to live in the same house like strangers for many months. And then, like every human being, my desire for flesh company could not be suppressed. I always thought I could have sex only with the one I loved, but that day I understood that sex and being in love were entirely different entities."

"Our conversations never grew, we knew very little of each other, we continued to live under the same roof, neither of us having the strength to break whatever relationship was left in between both of us. And then, we found out I was pregnant. Nothing changed after that too, we remained to be the same, and then our boy was born. Life changed for me, I had chosen to bring this being to life, and I would love him with all my might. When our boy was eight months, my uncle died in an accident. Turned out that he had written all his life insurance and bank savings with me. One half of me didnt want to use any of it, but the other half looked at my child and decided to take every rupee that came out of it. I started baby sitting neighbors kids and slowly the numbers grew and I turned it into a full fledged day care. Its been twenty five years now". Her eyes swelled with pride.