Happy birthday Avyukth & Akshath!

A year,365.25 days, 52 weeks and the count could go on... here we are, proud parents, happy grandparents, elated aunts and uncles... they are so blessed to have each of you in their lives..

I have often heard that a picture speaks a thousand words. Here are the birthday boys. I look at the pic for a second, and quite a lot of words pop up. Birth. Struggle. Fight. Agony. Tears. Victory. Breath. Patience. Perseverance. Faith. Ecstacy. Happiness. Cheer. Goodwill. People. Success. Smiles. Laughs. Steps. Drools. Poops. Pees. Diapers. Dresses. Caffeine. Sleeplessness. Tantrums. Wails. Babbles. Winks. Falls. Slaps. Scratches. Pinches. Memories. Happiness. Peace. Bliss. Gratitude.

Love to kollu thatha, paatti and thatha for burning the oil morning noon and night so we sleep peacefully.

On behalf of the birthday wonders,
Hopie

Silly weeks : #13 #14 #15 #16

Let the morning mist that brings a haze not blind our vision, for soon, the sun will shine and pierce through; let dense dark clouds not bring fear, for rain shall follow and flourish all around; be it waiting for the sun or rain, lets have patience, for they're almost there and always there. Lets welcome a week of patience... Happy week ahead...!

As we hear a cooker whistle, we learn it is ok to release pressure in order to make a tasty brew; as we listen to the wind chime gong, we understand that even light winds produce soothing music; as the calling bell sounds, we realise there is a world of opportunities waiting for us to open. Hear around, keep ur ears open, for we welcome a week of sounds...! Happy week ahead...!

As the last week of 2015 unfolds, lets take a moment to look back. .. at the good times we had and smile, at the good people that we have in our lives and appreciate and cherish them, at the opportunities that we had and be thankful, at those testing times that built strength in us and hope.. lets look back and carry forward all the good things that 2015 gifted us with... Happy week ahead...!

Get ready to jump unimaginable heights, strengthen your palms to hop unseen distances, keep your heart light to laugh all you can, for this is the year of the monkey. Lets welcome the first week of 2016... happy week ahead...!

A year of Avy n Aki : 2 days to go

Its really exciting that their birthday is only two days away. How much we have learnt. This memory is a recent one, the most recent perhaps. Its something like their bed time routine to watch the title song of Jai Hanuman. I dunno what attracts them to it - hanuman flying with the sanjeevani mountain or the high pitched song or the bright orange hues that the video is based.
I love the way they are engrossed into the video, oblivious to the world around. How their eyes twinkle with pure joy. How their faces radiate bliss and reflect light. 
Thank you for reminding me what growing up has made me lose and bringing it right in front of my eyes. Thank you for filing the blank spaces of our lives with light.

Cheers,
Hopie

A year of Avy n Aki : 3 days to go

This one is from my birthday this year, my first birthday as a parent. The birthday I held our presents, our present and future in my arms, one after the other of course. Throughout my pregnancy - no wait, it sounds like it was a long period - the three months of my pregnancy that I was in our usual ecosystem, almost everyone who saw me said the same thing - you're glowing, for sure you're gonna have two girls. Yes people were telling me what I wanted to hear, for I wanted two girls. Not that I didnt want boys, but after thirteen years of having an overload of Y Chromosomes around me, I preferred to have a change.
On the night of the 16th of December, when our paediatrician announced twin 1 and twin 2 as boys, I never felt I had carried a preference all along, for that moment was bliss. Today, I have no complaints. But yet, the thought of two identical girls...

This picture is from the day I saw how it felt, or rather how it looked to have two girls. Prem and I had thought of Hasini and Yazhini. The day they grow up and see this, I'm going to be burnt by their looks.

Avyukth : So arent you gonna tell them which one of us Hasini is and which one of us is Yazhini? I'm sure you cant, for the back of my head is hidden well.
Akshath : honestly woman, cant you tell us apart in frocks too?

Thank you for a wonderful birthday and many more to come. I look forward to starting our life as a family soon, in a new place, a new home... no wait a minute, in a men's hostel.

Cheers,
Hopie

NB. I have the names of everyone of you who said it would be two girls. If not already, I'm coming for you. 

A year of Avy n Aki : 4 days to go

This memory is from last year, this date, the 12th of December. When Narendra Modi and I almost together celebrated 200 days. I was quite proud that morning, the race was going steady, just a little hiccups, but okay we were fine. The routine was not any different, the same bp checks, pricks....
200 days was a big milestone for people like us, who were made to lie down against gravity. It was past the golden 28wk mark, that my gynaecologist Dr.S kept telling me from day 1, that we would be out of danger. Funny though, I thought I would deliver on the 26th January and mentally made a countdown starting that day.
So are you still wondering what was special that day, beside that being thalaivar's birthday? There was one reason. That day was when I overcame my guilt, my failure, for not having carried our babies with care. That day, I felt my heart lighten, not that i had achieved anything, but I had made an effort, I had made amendments, I had given up everything and just lied down within four walls battling an endless wait.

Little did I know that day, that the countdown timer had already started, and there were only four days to go.

Thank you for making me feel good about myself - although I failed, I strongly believe today that I tried.

Cheers,
Hopie

A year of Avy n Aki : 5 days to go

I always felt that being born a preterm, is in a way a blessing, for they have far more mothers than anyone can imagine. Today's post is on two such mothers of theirs.

They're the ones who termed me a mammu  (thankfully not a dummy instead). We share a special bond till date and what bonds us is quite obvious. I remember the days, while I entered the NICU with anxiety every morning, they used to greet me with their radiant smile. The smile never leaves their lips, I have noticed. How many nights they held our babies in their arms and made sure they slept. How many hours they held those little arms to refrain them from pulling the breathing tube. How many times they kept looking at them not losing a wink, just to make sure, they didn't forget to breathe.

Thank you Raji and Gracia, for being more than a mother to our boys. Today they radiate the unconditional love they learnt from you.

Cheers,
Hopie

A year of Avy n Aki : 6 days to go

This memory is from the time they first rolled over. Akshath did it on the 15th of June (which I missed to see) and Avyukth on the 05th of July. Their first move against gravity.

The day they learnt that it was no longer their nature to lie down, the day they understood they needed new perspectives, they day they deciphered a brand new world waiting to be seen, touched, to be manhandled and manoeuvred, the day they concluded perhaps, that the whole wide world was under their bellies.

Thank you for preserving two of your wonderful creations and letting us see them grow up and grow and learn together with them an entirely new life.

Cheers,
Hopie

A year of Avy n Aki : 7 days to go

So the joke is always on me. I always wonder if they have those little secrets between them - after all, they are womb-mates, arent they? Many a times I have noticed, or perhaps imagined, eye contacts between them, those sharp distinct cries that each respond with enthusiasm.

This snap captures one of their first smiles.

Avyukth : hey, she forgot which one of us I was, last night
Akshath : oh my, did she go for the obvious then?
Avyukth : yes, I felt her palm reach the hind of my head. When will she learn?
Akshath : honestly woman you call yourself our mother.

Thank you for gifting me with enough confusion that I am happy about.

Cheers,
Hopie

A year of Avy n Aki : 8 days to go

We had a lot of priceless moments at the NICU on top of the painful ones. Here are some.

I was simply awed at how affectionate the sisters were on our babies. To the extent that they would shoo me away whenever I went at an odd hour. How they used to refer me as mammu, note not mummy, for that was the only value I was able to add. Here are some pictures from the NICU days.

The day they wore their first new dress. At mothercare, the new born collection was vast. Specific. New baby, tiny baby and yes, early baby. The dress was seamed to fit a baby of 1.5kg. What mothercare didnt know, was that there were babies for whom this would be an ill-fit as well.

The day Avyukth breathed his own. Magical. Unbelievable. Yet true and right in front of our eyes.

Their first pic together, we managed to smuggle both of them into the same warmer and click this.

The day Avyukth was discharged. How we walked away with something priceless in our arms and something lot more for a lifetime. Lessons that we learnt. Patience. Gratitude. Appreciating what we have. Strength. Hope. Faith. Belief. Being positive.

I reserve my thanks to the NICU team for later. Today I thank HIM for all that HE has given us.

Cheers,
Hopie

A year of Avy n Aki : 9 days to go

The next collection of memories is from the day we delivered. A day that is tattooed in my mind on top of the three on my skin ;)

A line of discomforts started by Wk 28. On 16th December, at 7pm, our doctor finally decides, it is no longer safe for our babies if I lie down against gravity, and he asks the doctor on call, Dr. Ritu to straighten my bed. I was overjoyed that I can lie down straight since then. We were watching super singer n spoorthi was singing. At 2150 my water completely broke and I screamed on top of my voice. That's when hell broke loose.
Immediately Dr Ritu, two sisters and a scan machine are by my bed. I keep crying non stop and the first thing she does is scan. The babies were fine. She says there's still enough water and Dr Sathya is on the way. She wasnt sure what the plan is. I didnt understand what that meant. So could i carry for couple more weeks? Four doctors came to look at me but no one gave me any clarity on what was going to happen. I was getting anxious.
The most painful thing was she asked my mom to remove my bangles. I wore the bangles for a mere 16 days. I felt so robbed. I keep telling our babies to stay safe. I hold back tears and tell myself enough. And that's when I realised I was having contractions. Absolutely no pain but the contractions were i think two minutes apart. I was moved to the labour room, the cerclage removed & then came handsome Dr S, my knight in shining armour, in a light blue jean and a navy blue t shirt. Must be a regular party for him I was thinking. And finally someone had the guts to tell us he was going to deliver our babies.
He examines me internally and says I could go for a normal delivery if I had the motivation. I was too scared and asked him to take me to the theatre. I think it was 2230 or so then. He warns me that baby 1 could come out on the way cause he was willing to. I tell our baby to stay put for a couple of minutes and that our guardian angel was here, and he would bring them out safely. They prepare me for LSCS like assembly of a BMW car and wheel me in. The anaesthetist says the epidural would paralyse up to my neck sometimes and I ask him if my heart would still beat. I ask Dr S if someone can bring my spectacles inside cause I cannot see our babies without them and Dr Kalyani, the paediatrician on call, asks me not to worry and she will make sure I see them.
After that it happened like magic. The  Epidural. The suction. The first birth cry and the second. The instantaneous goose bumps all over my body that I felt beyond the anaesthetic. My first kisses to them. Little did I know then, that my next touch would be a month later. And then they put me to sleep. Or rather tried to and failed miserably, for I didnt sleep a wink the next 56 days.

Thank you Dr. Sathya, Dr. Ritu, Divya Sister, Feeba Sister and Elisabeth sister. Thank you for the decision that was proved right and the precision in whatever you did on the night of the 16th of December, for today we hold our bundle of joy in our arms.

Cheers,
Hopie

Utopia : Eternity : The End

Their train reached the last stop. She didn't even know the name. But she was confident as God had blessed her with strong shoulders to give Tara a good life. She was going to miss Vyaas, but that shall pass. She could not bring herself to doing something that she would regret every minute of her life. The loss was far too much, yes, but she could not find one reason that convinced her it was right. She overcame a disaster once, this was going to be nowhere near that. She could do it. She got up from the seat with confidence and moved on.
She walked down from the coach, with her eyes carefully screening her path. She couldn't afford to trip, for there was no longer a shoulder to hold her from falling. As she walked forward, she felt a grasp around her arms. She knew the temperature so well, she didn't need to look. With her eyes closed, she could picture the expression on his face. He came for her. Her Vyaas. Her true love. He understood and respected her ideals. There would be another time to talk, a lot of it, for now was not a moment for words. For that was the magic of their relationship, to converse without words. She returned the grasp with all her love. And they walked forward into eternity.

The End.

Cheers,
Hopie

A year of Avy n Aki : 10 days to go

With just ten days to go for their birthday, I thought I should share a couple of moments with you. Firstly, thank you for being there, you made us stronger.
The first part of the story is from our hospital days. The days of lying down against gravity, the days when blood in my body found it easier to flow into my head than to my feet, perhaps. Our day began with a BP check at 530a.m. Every day was pretty much the same although we would differenciate the weekdays and weekends with two things - programmes on TV and the usual visit of Dr. Umbridge at 830a.m. We learnt about a lot of complications around pregnancy from her and I still remember, after the first week of crying about it, how we started mocking. We. Yes. I was blessed with a neighbour, who lied down parallel to me, and made 64 days of my life liveable, which I cannot imagine otherwise.
Although our routine was much like those in a prison, we had a cause that kept us going. A purpose. We were carrying our lifetime dreams inside us. And no matter what we would never complain. How entirely contrasting our lives were, and yet we made it through.
When sunlight was a far fetched dream and the closest we could get to was a sachet of D-rise, that too once a month! When going for a scan was like a picnic, we could see different walls, different faces, we always had that school-kid-on-an-excursion smile while dear sisters wheeled us to and back. We learnt to what extent mothers would go - how they smuggled a mini kitchen into our room and cooked yummy food for us. Those snores from Prem and how I always kept extra pillows to throw on him to wake him up at midnight. How prem used to mock us, Monday mornings, with his dear goodbyes of 'attender discharge'.
64 days that I can never forget in my life. Days that gave me strength and taught me what patience is - to pass every day seemed a blessing and an achievement. Days that built perseverance in me - that it was possible to remain within four walls, and not go mad. Days that made me realise that happiness isn't just about going out for movies or shopping, its all about being and talking with people you truly love. Days that pointed to me a million reasons I should be happy and thankful for. Days that taught to me what the real meaning of faith is - that when we truly believe in something with all our heart, the world will conspire itself and make it happen.

We shared a special part of our lives together, and today, thanks to God, we hold our prizes in our arms.

Thank you Evings. I can never forget you, for the connection we had was far beyond - how we connected beyond curtains, through the music of two tiny horses galloping from inside us.

Cheers,
Hopie

Utopia : Noon : Part 5

A look of awe in both their faces. Both of them continued to dig for the next two hours and retrieved 24 gold biscuits in total. "Vyaas what is this? Why would the owner be hiding it here? And not keep it at home in a safe?". "This must be illegally earned no other explanation. Vansh after all that they have done to you guys, this is a chance for us to give back". She kept quiet not talking. Did what Vyaas say make sense? Would this teach them a lesson and would they change? She didn't find answers. "....tell me how many families work at the estate..?" She was lost in thoughts when Vyaas shook her. "Hey you, how many families work here?". "Hm without us 19. If you consider both of us separate then its 21, else 20". "So 20 it is" he concluded.
His mind was racing fast. "Vansh, hear me out. We're gonna take 20 of these from here. You. For tonight. While you walk back home, I am going to set this area right and put everything back in place. I have a feeling these guys may not be checking this quite frequently cause it takes a long time to dig and settle, plus itd cause suspicion. This week, I am going to distribute these to each of the families explaining it to them. On Sunday, Tara you and I are leaving this place. All you have to do is grab Tara on Sunday morning, catch the 915 train to Central. It is the sixth stop from the start. Take a round ticket to the last stop and back so no one can trace you. Can you?".
She wanted to say no. She wanted to say she couldnt leave behind the land that soothed her when she was troubled, the land that fed her. But Tara deserved better, and she had started almost a life with Vyaas in her dreams. She looked at her man in the eye. He didn't falter one bit, he was clear. His eyes reflected truth and sincerity, his words reflected trust. "Yes".

Utopia : Sunset : Part 6

It was Saturday night. Tara had slept blissfully unaware of how her life was shaping up. Vanshika could not sleep one bit. She was staring blankly at her ceiling asking herself a million questions. But those questions always pointed towards the same direction. Was this right? She kept avoiding an answer. She looked at how peacefully Tara slept. The mother in her said Tara deserved it. She made her mind clear then. She drew her flute from her gunny bag and began to play. Kurai ondrum illai.. As the song was drawing to a close, she heard clatter of vessels from the kitchen. She hated rats. She would deal with it in the morning.
It was Sunday morning and they were ready and leaving. She was leaving her home and she would never get back. She was leaving the land that gave life to her more than once. The land that shaped her up, to what she was today, and made her capable of fighting for what was right. The land that made her belief in true love come true. She looked ahead at the sun and it seemed to hold promises - of a new life. Of happiness. Of a new place. She beamed with confidence and walked on with her gunny bag and Tara in a Kangaroo hold.
She bought tickets as Vyaas had advised and boarded the train. Their train departed on time and in ten minutes, Tara slept. This is not right Vanshika, one half of her mind said. This is not going to teach anyone a lesson. This is just wiping off our conscience about something close to stealing. But those guys were bad to all of us and this is like giving back to them said her other half. This secures Tara's future and thats our priority now. The answer was pretty simple if she knew which was important. Twenty three years of character building in herself or a promise of future for her dear one. She closed her eyes and she saw the bright blue skin that had never been difficult to visualise. And that instant, in a flash, her decision dawned upon her.
Central station was nearing. Vyaas would be waiting at the airport and they would catch a flight to fly into eternity. Tara moved a little. She prepared her kangaroo hold and thats when Tara started to wail. Was it time already? Oh yes it was. The train had reached central station. People started to get down from the train. She placed Tara inside the kangaroo hold. She began nursing Tara, remaining in her seat, while the train pulled out of central station.

Utopia : Sunrise : Part 4

It had now been a month since Vyaas had proposed. Vanshika was at her happiest. She was amazed at how easily he cared for Tara. She kept telling herself how lucky she was. It was a full moon that day and Vyaas and Vanshika were on their routine post dinner stroll. Tara was back home sleeping. They walked hand in hand and reached the banyan tree. The bright moonlight was making its way through the banyan tree lighting the mud floor around.
"So when are we getting married?" "Vyaas we went through this. We have another four months. Do we have to always start our conversation with this question?" "No.. I'm just making sure you don't forget". All of a sudden both their eyes shifted to the ground. "Are you wondering what I'm wondering Vansh?" "Yep. The ground looks too even for me, like its been made. It doesn't look natural to me." "I'm gonna dig". "Vyaas, lets go. Lets not start anything." "No Vansh, I think the land is concealing something. I saw those guys too many times around this region and I sure want to know whats here. You know what? Let me drop you home and get back here". "Vyaas I know this place more than you do, I'm standing by your side no matter what".
They went to the bushes nearby where Vanshika stored all her equipments and quickly got to work. As Vanshika wiped off a bead of sweat from her forehead, she looked at Vyaas. His eyes shone brightly with the moonlight. His shoulders promised her a bright future. She wished four months would fly away. After digging about six feet, Vanshika's spade got caught in a thick rope. "Hey, I have a feeling we have to dig alongside the rope". "Right or left honey?" Good question she thought. The answer was simple for she always wanted be to be righteous. "Right, baby" she winked. "Aye aye captain" he replied and got to work. After an hour of skillful digging, they hit something hard. Vyaas put down his sickle and started using his hands. He had a feeling what this was going to be. Couple of minutes down, they finally held what the string pointed them to. A cookie of solid gold, both ends of the string still under the soil.

Celebrating Dr. K!

Its really simple for me to write this post for there is no thinking involved. My thumb merely types my mind instantaneously. A lot of people would know I am not exaggerating one bit. My first encounter with the man was not a good one for he was trying to explain to me what a brain bleed is. I then made a note that I should avoid talking to him for I didnt want to know the million things that could go wrong. Little did I know then what he really was. The human in me (or the pained mother?) took its time. Little did I know how passionate he was in what he did. Little did I know, when he made our boy breathe on his own for the first time, while I held his little left hand and watched him struggle for breath yet cheered him, the man would hold our boy's right hand and watch us in silence and stand by our side. Yes that's him. Dressed in blue with a bright red Littman steth around his neck.
Months after we came out of the NICU, a couple of mothers got together and one of the reason for all of us to get along easily was our mutual affection, respect and gratitude for him. A day would not pass between us without talking about our experiences with him or our goodwill. So nearly a month back we decide to give him a birthday surprise. Imagine what a miracle it is for seven women to agree upon something almost immediately. We had each of us giving in our ideas, planning all the details and executing it with sincerity.
Finally it's D-day. The weather report says rain but we silently wish for it to postpone by a couple of hours and thankfully yay! No rains. We meet at the car park. The early birds (Kalpana and I) walk up the stairs and ring the bell. He opens the door with a bright green t shirt and an even brighter expression on his face. I couldn't fully read if it was a surprise but I can say there was a small proportion of it. As we walk in, his wife greets us with a brighter smile and they immediately carry our babies from our arms with affection.
The rest of the morning was like a symphony. Shreeman anmouncing his entry with his high decibel wail. Aadhira warm and cozy on her father's shoulders. Aadhiran hopping from hand to hand thoroughly enjoying it. Little Veer on his grandma's lap with no clue on what's happening and wondering why was he not back home and tucked in his bed. Akshath transforming into a plaster and on top of it contributing to the decibel levels. Avyukth finding his way under the dining table and posing for paparazzis around.
Chaos. Pandemonium. Havoc. Riot. I could use a million synonyms more but for us the morning was perfect. Those beautiful heartfelt  smiles, those little conversations, the awesome cake, the exchange of affection, those wails in between and the arms that came up to calm, a million good wishes, the silent prayers as the candle was blown, those blushes as he fed a piece of cake to his girl. Perfect yes. Perfect indeed. For whom we celebrated is one in a million.

Happy birthday Dr. K!

Cheers,
Hopie

Scrap book excerpts

Some of us walk, some of us talk, some of us sit, some of us crawl.. although we are so different today, we have one thing in common, your magical touch in our lives. You poked us and we drew strength from it for eternity, you put machines on us and we learnt a lifetime lesson to breathe, you stood by our side not letting go, and today we are here.
Thank you Dr. Karvendhan!

We have penned down only a few drops from the ocean of happiness you have created. You have been with us through the toughest times of our lives, giving us strength every moment - with your patience in answering us and your bright smile. There have been some moments that we had to let go - but together we have drawn strength and we hold on. And what we hold on today is far greater. Everytime we think of our NICU days, our hearts spontaneously fills with gratitude.

We write this wish on behalf of all the mothers, thanks to you, who hold on to their motherhood. We wish you a lifetime of happy birthdays. We pray to God to bless you with a lifetime of joy, peace, and infinite happiness. And to give you the strength to keep spreading the cheer.

How our lives changed from forgetting to breathe to making people breathless and taking everyone's breath away...

We make our own style statements.. starting with OG tubes, saturation probes and leaning towards normalcy with rompers and dungarees

We bear unimaginable pain, we endure extreme limits, yet we lie down patiently and let the miracle workers create magic... we lean on to the hopes of our loved ones and dont let them down... for they know we are diamonds in the making

We roll late, we crawl late, we walk late, we talk late... we do things when we want to and when we are confident... come on, arriving early has been enough trouble as such!

Being born a preemie is fortunate.. for we have far more mothers than anyone can imagine...

Here's a birthday wish to someone whom we cannot forget all our lives.. together, we wish for you all the good things life can offer... a lifetime of unconditional love, years of creating happy memories, months of vacations that would take you where you want, days that bring all your wishes come true, of course the nights of being happily-on-call, hours of candle-light dinners & second shows, not-to-forget the minutes of keeping yourself fit and the ever-radiant smile on your face every second!

Silly weeks #9 #10 #11 #12

#9 strength
No one knows how many rain drops leave the sky, how many get evaporated on the way.. perhaps it doesn't matter. .. what matters is THAT one drop that helps a seed sprout, a flower bloom. .. THAT one drop that quenches someone's thirst. .. THAT one drop that refracts light perfectly to give away a rainbow... THAT one drop that hides someone's tear... no matter how small a drop is, it always makes a huge difference. Lets draw strength from a rain drop! Happy week ahead!

#10 faith
How amazing it is to learn the intricacies of things we deem simple... take a small flower whos fate lies in the hands of an insect... the insect has to get attracted to the flower, to believe it is not poisonous or a trap, feed from it, fly away and deposit the pollen at the right place... so many things can go wrong, but yet, we see in front of us an infinite number of flowers blooming every day... perhaps sometimes we have to take a step back, and put our faith in the unknown insect.. keep the faith, for your flower is in the making.. happy week ahead!

#11 Colours
Let the greenery around give us enthusiasm, let the bright blue sky teach us what infinity is to stretch our wings, let us learn patience from red lights to step back and think, let the yellow sun remind us constantly to be focussed and relentless in our pursuits! A colourful week is here...! Happy week ahead!

#12 Inspiration
From sunlight that finds it's way out of densely packed trees, we learn that with focus we can come out of darkness; from strong winds that blow heavy windmills, we understand that with effort we can move mighty mountains; from a bumble bee that flies, we realise that sometimes ignorance is bliss! Lets look around, draw inspiration and get energized...! Happy week ahead...!

Growing up : Teething woes

So theres always a fight for the same teether and yes dont ask me theres only one of that kind. Lesson learnt. Whenever one of them spots it, the other has to have it too. Today, as the teether lied abandoned, Avyukth crawled to it and kept it in his mouth, the look of a clear winner. Little did he know that Akshath was stalking towards him, waiting for the right moment to ambush. As Avyukth got distracted a little by the noise from the TV, BAM! Akshath had pulled off the teether from his mouth and happily lodged it into his. Smirk smirk. Drool Drool. The second iteration of teether interchange happened but this time a bunch of Akshath's hair was in Avyukth's one hand and the second hand held the magical teether. A third. A fourth. And then I thought perhaps I should intervene. I slowly removed the teether from Akshath's mouth and gave it to Avyukth. Finders keepers. I'm patting myself, elated and thats when the wailing started. Ear piercing. I put Akshath on my lap to console him and try to lure him with a toy camera that glows bright red. In a fluidic motion he rolled 180 degrees and changed to prone... and that second the searing pain made me realize I had turned into his teether!

Whoever said teething woes were only for babies...

Cheers,
Hopie

Utopia : Twilight: Part 3

He watched her in awe as she nursed the baby. She looked so pure and absorbed. He waited patiently at the other side of the tree. "Are you there?" She called out. "Hi there, I'm Vyaas and I'm still at the same place where you left me. Palms outstretched in case you've forgotten". Vanshika smiled ear-to-ear. "I'm Vanshika and my palms are quite busy at the moment in case you dont realise". She finished nursing the baby and looked at her little one, her little Tara. How instantaneously she fell asleep in her warmth. She made her dupatta into a kangaroo hold and tied Tara to her chest, picked her back pack and moved towards Vyaas. He deserved an explanation, she thought. "I want to tell you a lot of things..." she started and he waved at her. "Its not necessary" he immediately responded. "It would make me feel better, can you help me here?". With a lot of reluctance, he agreed to hear her out.
"I was born in Utopia and this place is as comfortable as my mother's womb for me. Our family did not have enough money for my education and right after schooling, I came to work at the estate. I was a rebel, leading all kinds of movements against our management. Some wars we won and some we lost, but our group never stopped fighting for Utopia and its citizens. Nearly a year back, I was packing up stuff to go home when a group of guys surrounded me. I learnt later that they were the owners son and his friends. Six of them started to follow me.
All of a sudden, it went dark and I broke into a run. And lost to them. Lost one thing that mattered so much to me. I had a month of denial, of solitude and refused to go back to work. But then my life was at the estate and I went back to work. A month later I found out I was carrying. My parents asked me to let the baby go, but I couldn't."
She paused as she drew breath. She couldn't control her tears. Would he understand? Yes he would. "You know Vyaas, Krishna didn't come when I called out to him. So I believe Krishna wanted to give Tara to me. No matter how painful it is, Tara was my destiny. How can I explain this to my parents? Now Tara is my morning, noon, night and every breath i take". Vyaas moved closer to her and held her shoulders. "Enough crying. Does your throat hurt?" He asked. "Its been better" she smiled and looked fondly at him. He fished into her backpack, and with the look of having retrieved a treasure, asked "So can you play for me now?".
She knew what she had to play. They moved to lean on the banyan tree and Vyaas slowly removed the Kangaroo hold and held Tara. Vanshika closed her eyes as always and the picture was as clear as ever. Her heart began to play and het flute obeyed implicitly. He was mesmerised and held Tara close to him, he got lost into the song. Theekkul viralai vaithaal nandhalaala ninnai theendum inbam thondrudhada nandhalaala she played with all her love. He placed Tara gently on her lap as the song got over. Vanshika opened her eyes to meet Vyaas's powerful gaze. "Will you marry me Vanshika?" "Yes" and she leaned on him letting go of all the emotions that she had been holding back for the past eleven months.

First touch

Our boys were born on the 16th December. Amidst all the fear, we had faith that the four of us would emerge stronger out of this. I constantly believed that our boys were meant-to-be. We had the first month tackling apneas, bradys, epilepsy, not to forget the anaemia. We always thought breathing was natural to all human beings and seeing in front of our eyes how our little ones forgot to breathe was a nightmare. On the 10th of Jan, we had the cardiologist recommending surgery to close the PDA and this was causing the desats. Perhaps my first emotional break down was then as I let go. I still remember how strong my mom was - she never showed an emotion, for her daughter was in distress. We were open and put our faith completely on the doctors at the nicu and went ahead planning surgery for 12th. Like we had a choice. I still remember how the cardiologist told us it was possible that we lose one or both babies during procedure - a statistic that i successfully hid from everyone around me.
The 12th of jan was an equivalent of a summer solstice for us as our little one (1.4kg then) was wheeled down for surgery. Two hours of prayers, being unable to sit and yet unable to move an inch,  the anxiety that I hid for fear of scaring the others around me. Finally my name was called (mother-of-baby-of-vidhya) on the mike and our surgeon informed us all was well and once he settles down, they would move the other one for surgery. The next surgery was longer and perhaps the longest four hours of my life. Later that evening our boys were safely tucked in their warmers. Yes, I had grown to accept that the NICU was safe territory.
The next night I had the atom bomb dropped on my head. Avyukth's lungs had become plastic and he was on complete ventilator support. He was on high pressures and 100% oxygen input. He had to be given Nitrous oxide and after 33 weeks of being together, our twin boys were moved to two different rooms. On 17th of Jan, a month of wait later, I held little Akshath in my arms. In my palms was more like it. Our first skin touch was magical despite the dripping olive oil and the poking OG tube and etched in my memories.
Avyukth's battle for breath began on the 27th day of his life. For 30 days, he was on full ventilator support. He used to lose energy with the slightest movement. I still remember how dark his room was kept. He was sedated and paralysed so the medicines would take effect on his lungs. We endured three lung collapses and those resuscitations that happened in front of me. Scary yet how tenderly it was carried out by our doctor. How our doctors never gave up on him, and stood by his side. Those nights that passed without words, the pillows that would go drenched. Those days while I sat nursing Akshath in his room while my ears always heard avyukth's ventilator beep. How difficult it was to hold back those tears. I still remember how I used to walk into the NICU every morning hoping there would be no news. After several courses of medicines and finally the brahmasthra - the dexomethasone created the wonder. On the 12th of Feb, his Trachea was free from the tube. The memory remains afresh of how our doctor termed his recovery as "dramatic". Yes he was breathing on his own. On the 14th of Feb, Prem and I put on those sexy navy-blue tank tops, and the not-so-sexy NICU coats, for that was the first day we were both gonna hold our bundle of joy together. He walked into 602 to embrace akshath and me into 603 to hold Avyukth tight and tell him I would never let him go. Ever.
One second. The dexomethasone alone didnt do it. Perhaps the dexomethasone was a mere milestone. We thank our dear doctors and our dear sisters at the NICU, the million prayers from known and unknown people around the world across religions, for making us Kangaroos on valentines day and gifting us with the first touch. And the zillion ones after.

Cheers,
Hopie

Utopia : Dawn : Part 2

He wiped the sweat off his forehead and lifted his face to look around. The sun was glistening a bright shade of gold. The clouds were clear and he gave up the hope of rain. The sun reminded him he had three more hours of work. Today would be the day he would follow the music. The mere thought gave him energy. How genuine the music was. He focused all his enthusiasm on todays work, more to complete the day, for his journey of search would begin.
The work day was over. He quickly washed himself in the stream nearby, changed and looked at the sky that was turning dark. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and began his walk. He looked around and realized how he could never get enough of the greenery. Couple of metres away he saw the bushes move. As a gentle breeze blew, the bushes revealed a million colours - a peafowl had just spread its feathers. For a minute,  he stood there without blinking, and that's when the music began. The peafowl can wait, he thought, and closed his eyes. Venur madhuro renur madhuraha, she played on. North east, his instinct said, and he duly obeyed it.
He broke into a run, for the song was nearly ending, his excitement multiplied as the music became louder as he walked. He reached a place where the tea plantations gave way to open land, with a lone huge banyan tree, and thats where he saw her. She was leaning comfortably on the trunk with her leg crisscrossed and eyes closed. She was dressed in bright blue and perhaps, no, indeed, the peafowl lost to her. She was tall, dark and had well built shoulders. Her hair was dark and long, fluttering with the wind. She had long masculine hands that maneuvered the flute well. He stood there paralysed. The song was over and she opened her eyes and saw him, and broke into a transfixed gaze too.
Finally her call was answered she thought. She walked to him, took his hands in hers and held them tight. A myriad unsaid words, a lengthy unspoken conversation took place as they looked into each others eyes. The sun had nearly set, the birds chirped in unison while getting back to their nests and thats when he heard the cry of an infant from the other side of the tree. She slowly pulled away her arms from his, walked over to the other side of the tree and took the baby from the hammock, in her arms. "Was it time already?" She thought as the baby continued to cry. Perhaps she wondered. She sat down with the baby, leaning herself against the trunk. She let her head rest on the trunk, her best friend. She felt the warmth fill her eyes, as her little 4-month-old daughter nursed from her.

Freelance : Goodbye

Every night as we gaze upwards, our eyes always roam in search of a special star that we seldom find. We were gifted to land sight on one such star. A star that never once diminished it's light, a star that constantly grew brighter sharing it's light around.
Although we did not have a perfect moment to exchange goodbyes, we cannot stop ourselves from going down memory lane. We have seen you create magic in front of our eyes and forever we cannot match the passion you have for saving lives. Those umpteen midnights that we counted upon you and how energetically you came never once wincing. Those moments of light- heartedness in times of need. Those moments that we celebrated in joy while we gifted people with unconditional happiness. Those difficult moments that we had to let go strongly. You were a constant source of strength to us all while long.
Today, its hard for us to accept you are no longer around - for we feel your presence in the myriad lessons that you taught to us.  You are and will be forever - the most special star - the sun - to us. No matter where you go, we would always feel the light and warmth you emit.
No matter what we say - We'll miss the red Littman stethoscope searching constantly to heal. No matter what we say, We'll miss you.
With love from all of us.

Freelance : As we exchange good byes

One of the most difficult moment is to say goodbye to someone we have lived with. As we look back the last three years, fond memories gush in. Those nights and endless days that we toiled together, those storms that we shifted course with your guidance, the unconditional happiness that we gifted to a couple of hundred families, those silent tears that we let go together. Today we are strong from what we learnt from you. How we learnt to be patient and composed at the times of crisis, how to be focused on what we do and how to sport a smile always for we knowingly or unknowingly influence the days of people who hop in for a while into our lives.
Today, as you move away from our family, we wish the best for you. A life of cheer, good health, peace of mind so that you re create the magic wherever you go.
No matter what we say, we cannot find enough synonyms to express what we feel right now, so lets simply put it - we'll miss you.
With love from all of us.

Infinite innocence

Our trip to bangalore the last couple of days has given me the opportunity to be with two sets of twins around. A pair of them at 4Y and our boys at 10M. Yes it was exciting to be in the presence of two four year olds - the never ending questions that you cannot answer lightly, the fight for attention, the unconditional cuddling, the demand for perfection. I was amazed at how different their choices were and how nature shapes up our choices so young. Macho varun with his passion for machines and pinky varsha with her girlish picks.
I still cannot forget their argument that we should not leave - a dead lock - no matter what we said it would come back to the beginning. Two sweet incidents that i thought would be a nice memory to pen down.

Varun - vidhya chithi innikki avyukth akshath a oorukku kooti poporiyaa? Aamaam kanna. Velila rain clouds vardhu. Nee pogaadha. I was amazed at how he was trying to get me logically. .... and yes i lost. I just hugged him.

Varsha - she came running to me with her set of story books and we reached the very beautifully pictured ugly duckling story book. Once upon a time there was a duck. She laid seven eggs. When they hatched, six of them were beautiful and one was ugly. Thats when she stops me and looks at me - one of those perfect whatsapp frownies. "Aana vidhaa chithi adhu uglyaave illaye ayga dhaane irukku? " my eyes instantly welled up.

So pure. So unconditional. So straight from the heart. So truly kind. So infinitely innocent.

Hope the innocence never leaves them.

Cheers,
Hopie

When the going gets tough, the annoyance gets going!

The last couple of months have been quite a lot for us to take... being confined in a hospital room for two months. ..  having a preterm delivery.. seeing our babies struggle for life.. bringing up preterms...  on top of the struggle itself, what we have always found challenging is to cope up with questions from people around... a couple of typical questions and must-have-been answers is what this post is about... NOTE : it's entirely up to your discretion to term this post as real or fictitious and I am not responsible for what you decide 😉

Confinement...

"Stay at the hospital till u deliver? The hospital is completely money minded ". "Sure is. They make one billion a day and our 2000 bucks surely is a lot "
"Have they prescribed any diet? " " yes. I can eat EVERYTHING"
"You have to walk a lot and exercise instead of lying down like this , only then normal delivery is possible. ""Don't you understand, that is precisely what they are trying to prevent? "

Testing times...

"Tell the doctors you have to breastfeed the babies right away because it is good for their health" "yes I will. Can you send me your certificate of neonatology meanwhile?"
"Give toys to the babies... it helps them feel positive and happy" "they have a couple of toys already.. IV lines, OG tubes and what not"
"Are they moving their hands and legs and actively playing? " "yes. Only yesterday did he pull off the breathing tube"
"OMG, your babies have already been in the NICU for two months? Time flies..!" "Yes. At the rate of sixty mins per hour and twenty four hours per day. We've been counting every second and its right"

Growing up...
"Pasanga color konjam kammi dhaan"."so sad. were u expecting the entire vibgyor?"
"Ten months old? Does your kid sit down by himself?". "Sure does. He also goes for work. His name is Prem"
"Has your baby done anything special in the last months that you can share with us?" "They fed through their nose for couple of weeks. Can you do it?"
..on avyukth's patch on the head
"Was that where both of them were conjoined and they had to be operated upon?" Even before i understood the question I found myself saying yes.

....and the most difficult and painful one
"Atleast one baby is fine right, whyre you worrying? "
I am not able to mock this question for it hurts still. Just the same.

How painful it was to explain to people while we were already going through hell. To explain why I was lying upside down while all I wanted was to flaunt my baby bump. To explain why our boys had to be in intensive care while I'd have given anything to hold them that very minute. To explain why we were silent to each other only because we didnt want to spell out our deepest fear. To explain the difference of a baby growing inside the womb and outside - although the god sent people recreated the wonder. To explain how avyukth leaned on an inch of his skin for a month and only that kept him breathing. To explain how we didnt want any of this.

I humbly ask you for a favour - if you cannot help them, dont call them. PERIOD.

I dont know how to end this post. As always, we are thankful to HIM for blessing us with the strength to endure and take us through a rough couple of months. For having given us the strength to look back and ridicule yet respect every moment of what we went through.

Thank YOU.

Cheers,
Hopie
NB: I hope you're working on what I ask you always though.

Utopia : Midnight : Part 1

Disclaimer : I choose to name the stage around my story 'Utopia' to simply not exhibit my weakness in Geography - For Utopia is like infinity - to each ones own definition. Thankfully.

Surrounded by Lush green mountains that brought the smell of fresh tea leaves with every breeze that blew, a waterfall that never dried and constantly hummed a happy tune, birds fluttering around posing a million hues was Utopia. The people of Utopia were silent and spoke only when needed - in perfect harmony with the ecology around. A village modestly populated and thrived on its tea cultivation. It was 6a.m. and the sun was up and blazing already. The birds had already left their nests in search of food for the day.
The morning breeze began to blow accompanied by a soft tune. A tune people wished would never cease to be heard. A tune so amorous that kept calling her divine love to come to her faster. Begane baaro.
Vanshika closed her eyes so she could picture him clearly and her breath spontaneously played the tune running in her mind. How well her flute always understood her. Her shift would begin in three minutes. Although her friends started late and took extended breaks, she never would. Because it was in her nature to be true and so had she been all this while. She finished the song, tucked her flute into her gunny bag, put on her gloves and picked her sickle. She was getting to work.
"Why does it have to stop" wondered Vyaas. He was new to Utopia and immediately found a job at the estate. He fell in love with the place the moment he had set foot. Who wouldnt he thought. He came to town all alone. His parents had perished in the flood and the government was kind enough to bring him here. He wanted a job and he relentlessly searched until he found one. He was used to being at work and enjoyed it. He normally left early for work and found the time to get a few stretches. And that was the time he heard it like clockwork. He closed his eyes to let the tune sink in and felt the warmth flow with his blood. He had been hearing the music for a week now and he somehow knew it would be a woman. For he knew, for he felt, that it always called out to him.

A year of Avy n Aki : 1 day to go

Its been a year of ups flats and downs... when we look back, we are thankful to god, for having given us the strength to take us through, for having given us nice people around us, so we could sail through the storm and reach a shore filled with greenery.... It has been a year of firsts for us.. first tears, first ecstatic happiness, first sleepless nights of endless crying, first diaper changes and potty washes, first smiles, first words, first steps, first fall from the bed...

As Avyukth and Akshath complete a year of life and step into many more, we take a moment to humbly thank the entire NICU team for giving them a painful yet strong beginning...

Thank you Gracia and Raji for all the love
, for today we see them smile ear-to-ear...
Thank you Gladys, Subeetha, Shoba, Priya, Deepa, Arivazhagi for the relentless care, for today we have them hold our hands tight,
Thank you Nitisha, Nimisha, Vaideeshwari, Ganga, Jincy, Tina for all the nights that you stood without rest, for today they sleep peaceful and sound,
Thank you Binta, Sowmya, Beaulah, Ramya, Shameena, Devarani for holding their hands from pulling the tubes, for today, they learnt to play with new toys..
Thank you to that one special sister that I missed to name - they have and will learn from you how to love someone and not expect anything back...

Thank you Dr. Kalyani for safely tucking them into their warmers, for today they have seen felt and understood what a home is...
Thank you Dr. Manjula for that soft and reassuring voice that they kept hearing, for today they understand, reciprocate and communicate...
Thank you Dr. Karvendhan for standing by their side and not giving up on them, for today they breathe...

Thank you for having given them something so pure, so infinite... thank you for having been a womb to them for eleven long weeks...

On behalf of the world around Avyukth & Akshath,
Hopie

Rains...!!

When petals sprayed from above,  when the choicest of fireworks displayed, when the drums hummed happiness, someone up there was celebrating.. and someone down here was getting drenched... ☺

Silly weeks : #5 #6 #7 #8

#5 true to the heart
Laugh so much that your ears start to ring, walk so fast so you can see your heart thump against your skin, talk true to what you feel so you can feel your heart lighten, give your best so you know your conscience is satisfied..! Lets join hands to open doors to a week of the best...! Happy week ahead...!

#6 perspective
See whats in front of you and appreciate what you have, look for opportunities and put your best foot forward, observe the criticism well - for you might learn a lot from them, perceive and believe in the right outcome thats waiting for you...!! Take a step into a week of

#7 difference
Let the week bring to us the power of a small lamp - so we evade the darkness and negativity with a single spark, let the week bring to us the power of music - so we transform from silence to joyfulness, let the week bring to us the power of a scent - so we evacuate emptiness and inhale happiness, let the week bring to us the power of words & good deeds - so we make a difference to those in need! Lets enter into a week of a difference! Happy week ahead. . . !

#8 thankfulness
Be thankful for the atmosphere - for we have the right mix of good and bad, be thankful for gravity - for it teaches us to be humble and stay on the ground no matter what we achieve,  be thankful for the four seasons - for we know that dark and cold winters are always followed by a colorful spring,  be thankful for the sun - for it faithfully brings light into our lives!  Lets be thankful this week! Happy week ahead....!

Hospital chronicles : drawing inspiration from aruna

I met aruna more than a year ago on the other side of the curtain at 603. I was into my 9th week of pregnancy and she at her 18th. During our first conversation, she tells me that she has to be at the hospital, head low, for the rest of her term. Quite immediately my mind went into performing the math. A whopping 22weeks at the hospital, the can-get-up-only-to-pee types. I wanted to tell her how brave she was and how I would never be able to do it. To be confined. But I didnt. Little did I know that a similar fate was waiting to befall me. Came October when my period of confinement started and I heard from the sisters that she had delivered already and her babies were in the NICU.
To me she was a forerunner. Someone to look up to and be positive. The few days that we shared a room, never once have I seen her shed a tear. Her voice, as soft as her nature, would always sound hopeful and positive. I could sense the determination in her. And she won indeed, walking out of the mickey mouse glass doors, smiling,  holding her babies tight. To me she was proof in life and blood that the tunnel opens up to light. I awed at how much pressure she handled without crumbling and constantly believing that soon the carbon would turn into diamonds. I tried to think of her and be positive always while our boys struggled at the NICU. Well except for the five resuscitations that happened in front of me. Come on, I'm human too.
It has been so easy for us to converse cause we have shared a dark part of our lives at different instances though. How our conversations run on kids, food, MILs, books,  birthday preparations and what not. How our conversations mostly end with our mutual goodwill for Dr K and the entire NICU team. Of how thankful we are.
Today I wish to tell her how brave and graceful she is and we join hands to celebrate . We celebrate the patience and strength she carried throughout her period at the hospital. We celebrate her feet that made her stand on strongly and her hands that wanted to heal at touch. We celebrate her eyes and ears that saw and heard scary things and yet her mind that refused to believe and her heart that kept pumping her with hope. Today, marks a year since the diamonds began to get evolved. Today we celebrate the little diamonds Aadhira - Aadhiran and the persevering carbon form Aruna.
Wishing them a happy ever after.
Cheers,
Hopie

Silly weeks : #1 #2 #3 #4

#1 colors
Let the week bring rain... so d seeds of hope are nourished.. let the week bring sun... so d seeds sprout tall.. let the week bring rain.. so d seeds flower and bring colours to your life.. let the week give you strength to cherish and appreciate! Happy week ahead...!!

#2 oblivion
Wake up to the sound of birds, of clatter of vessels, open your eyes to the flutter of butterflies, to an overcast sky, inhale the smell of freshly mowed grass, steaming hot coffee, wake up to the touch of your loved one, to begin a week of strong positive thoughts.... wake up to a week of oblivion! Happy week ahead...!!

#3 promises
Let the week give us a rainbow of opportunities, a sunshine filled with hope,  thoughts as clear as the blue sky to make our choices and strength of the wind to hold on and put our faith in them. Lets welcome a week of promises...! Happy week ahead...!!

#4 joy
To get drenched in the rain, to let our feet be buried in the sand with the waves slapping gently, to drip ice cream on our shirts and create wonderful hues, to run around while our only goal is to run... to forget what it is to worry.. To be a kid all over again and let go inhibitions... lets embrace a week of joy...! Happy week ahead...!!

Hospital chronicles : celebrating Chithra & Shreeman

It has been about four months since Chithra and I got introduced. The introduction was an interesting one - Hi, I'm vidhya, 29w, twin boys, 1kg and she said same here except she had a single boy. Our emotional connection was instantaneous - for the simple reason of having gone through a traumatic post natal period. Her story, like everyone else's, was fascinating for me for a lot of reasons. I hope they inspire you as much.
Imagine how it would feel when you go to the doctor for a check up and the doctor informs you that you are almost 21 weeks pregnant! Thats where her story begins. Sneaky little shreeman managed to reveal himself only when he wished to. Despite having worked, holidayed and trekked as she wished, the baby was safe inside. Not many weeks passed and one of her next check ups she was informed that the baby was no longer safe inside as she had developed hypertension. Her pregnancy was just eight weeks long. Little shreeman came out wailing weighing a mere kilogram.
This September, as shreeman turns one, we celebrate the miracle in them. The courage that she had - to look at her teeny tiny preemie and fill him with hope as he fought and yet was obedient to receive and react to every medicine. The strength that she carried every one of the 56 days her baby was at the NICU while the miracle workers were creating magic. The tears she held back everytime her little was pricked poked or being ex-rayed. Her patience to wait a month before she could hold her baby the first time and a couple more days before she could nurse him. Last but not the least, her perseverance to keep up the faith.
Many a times we are in darkness and quite wonder why we are in such a tunnel, if at all the tunnel opens up and if there is light at the other end. This story, like many others, reassures us that the tunnel indeed opens up to light. That its pretty bright at the other end. That theres greenery, the scent of a drizzle over freshly mowed grass and flowers of our choice. And all we have to do is hold on and be strong and we will reach the other end at the right time.
Cheers,
Hopie

Happy Doctors day....!!

To someone who relentlessly waited with us and showed to us we could indeed carry life,
To someone who kept pricking us, not to cause pain but to preserve,
To someone who brought our little warriors into this world wailing, although way too early,

To someone who recreated the womb so efficiently that the difference was never felt,
to someone who re-fastened the umbilical cord so quickly that the love kept flowing,
To someone who kept that warmth and glow, to build a second home for the next weeks,
to someone who actuated the lungs so gently that breathing became a first music lesson,
To someone who stood by and held tight, to someone for whom sun or moon didn't matter,
to someone who never gave up and kept the hearts ticking.

Today, specially on Doctors day, we bow low in front of you, our hearts filled with gratitude that cant be expressed with mere words.

Thank you for gifting us with the miracle of life. And to many more like us.

Cheers,
Hopie

Embracing Unemployment

As i wore my khakhi uniform for the last time, a mixture of emotions went through my mind. Insecurity - cause it was going to be an end to my independence. Sadness -  cause I was going to miss the familiar routine of the past eight years. Blankness - cause I was fully not convinced my decision of giving up my job was right. Although for everyone else the decision was quite obvious and right, I couldn't get myself to nod in agreement. My doctor would always tell me to take one day at a time and not to think far, perhaps it was one such moment.
I still remember the moment I was handed in my offer letter. It was placement time, the 27th of December. After a tiresome routine of written test, group discussion and three rounds of interviews, my friends and I gathered at Sharavathi mess. Around eight pm I received a call from the placement office to inform me I was placed. My friend still tells me it was one of the brightest smiles he has ever seen. That was a wonderful beginning to eight years of passion. Every moment of which I am going to miss.
Those never ending days that dragged into twilight. The silly fights in front of our management and the maturity that came from it. The midnight tea at mahindra city. Those calls with Germans and Chinese that we half understood and the moments in madras tamil over mute button. The humiliation that came from failure and the strength to stand in front that I drew from it. The happiness that came from success and the humbleness I learnt to put my team always in front. The friends I made and soft yet strong shoulders that were always beside me. Those illegal pizzas and lunch outs. Sherlock Holmes and Avengers in particular. The carrom & badminton games that I won and how I always sucked at tennicoit yet enrolled. The team around me and how we could almost agree upon decisions. Well almost. Our boss and the independence he gave us to experiment and fail. And stand by.
The passion that I developed since we were always delivering something new, something for the first time. The first assembly out of our line. The first invoice. The dream that came true to see a BMW car being assembled. The constant pressure for perfection. The ability to talk in terms of single digit ppms and achieve it. How it felt to realise the true sense of fool-proof. Our leadership team that kept nudging us forward. Cause we were willing to be pushed. How can I not mention the whining - every year on appraisal time. And yet continue to complete eight years.
As I tap this blog into my phone, I hear a trinkle. I follow it and there is a bright toothless smile trying to make a sound. I note the drool that drips from his mouth and look for a towel to wipe it off and he holds my finger tight with his miniscule ones. I instantly forget everything else and for a moment I think.
Perhaps my decision would be worth it.
Cheers,
Hopie

My story : the last part

After our second IVF failed, we got completely immersed in work. We needed our minds to be fully occupied so we didn't have the time to fret. It was a different phase of our lives - trying to overcome the agony. As I tore one more page in our calendar, it showed June. I would be turning 30 in a couple of days. Fear and uncertainty gripped me, but I kept my faith for October that year. Came July and for the fourth time in the last eight months I had a delayed period. Defining me as annoyed would be a subtle expression. The routine was simple. I would go to our doctor, he would prescribe the pregnancy test. The single line would slap me hard across the face and he would give me tablets for my period to come. I would decide to start the tablet from the next day and as faithful as ever my period would come that night. I tried going for check ups at different days but yet the result was same. Oh and no matter what I would NOT take the pregnancy test at home.
It was the fourteenth of July and we decide to go for check up. Prem didn't get a parking slot, it was a Monday morning, 9a.m, so I tell him to go for work and I would go straight to work from the hospital. It was meaningless to waste two man days. I didn't have an appointment that day and I knew the wait would be endless. I sat opposite to our doctors cabin fidgeting with my BlackBerry. It was three p.m. when my turn came. Or rather there was no one else left and I was the only one in the entire area. He looked at me and prescribed the pregnancy test. I asked him why did he have to put me through this although he very well knew what the result would be. He gave me the usual we'll - never - know, smiled charmingly, and dismissed me. I get the kit and hand it over to a nurse. She would perform the test. I gave her my sample and look away for I knew what would come. Although I had gone through the routine an infinite number of times, each time was painful. "Mam I'm going to start the test...". My heart started to pound. Silly humane naive me. No i wouldn't look come what. In ten seconds the nurse smiles and looks at me. "I think it is positive..." she said. And I looked down. The second line indeed glowed at me and I smiled back as bright as ever, my eyes welled up. My breath started to pace and I didnt know what to tell her. I muttered a thank you so much and try to walk back to the empty iron sofa. Whom should I call first? How should I tell Prem? A myriad thoughts. As I reached the sofa, it was clear to me. I sat down and placed my bags aside. I covered my face with my palm, the tears that refused to cease. I wiped my face, calmed myself, closed my eyes and clasped my hands. Thank you God.
What happened after that was a long story that ended well which I dont want to write about. I don't want to write about the 59 days of captivity. Or the 56 days of struggle that would remain within me, my pillow that held my tears, the walls of the NICU, the god sent people all around me thanks to whom, our warriors are here today. Thanks to whom I can see them smile every moment, nurture them, manhandle them, and look ahead. The 56 days would remain in my heart, each day still afresh. If this is a lesson that HE wished to teach me how to be thankful, I learnt it well. If not, i'm still seeking...
Cheers,
Hopie

Hospital chronicles : karvendhan & supriya : escape from 505

She was trapped by a sorceress in the top most room of the tallest tower. Although she was well fed, the room was dark with her longing for home. It was her destiny. She always dreamt of that day her knight would come and her rescue her. It seemed long lost. He would come by, riding his horse,  faithfully day after day uttering those sweet words. But he had to go back by night fall for the sorceress would return. Dark magic was her specialty and he knew for sure his sword would fall a prey to it. She trusted him and hoped that soon enough her dream would come true. Soon enough she knew the sorceress would be away for two days and she begged him to take her away. It was after sunset and there was no sign of her knight. With tears drenching her unkempt hair she curled into a corner. The sun would have risen she calculated. The door creaked and there stood her knight in shining armour. Without any thoughts she walked to him. He took her in his arms and climbed down the spiral staircase. He was always used to climbing those steep steps. Soon after they stepped outside the tower, sunlight blinded her. He looked at how her skin glistened and instantly knew she was carrying his glow inside her. Riding a horseback was no longer an option and he called his flying chariot. As they waited she looked at him, her eyes emitting fire. Was it the sunlight that did this to her, he wondered while she opened her mouth to speak. "For God's sake, will you stop dreaming or shall I drive?". He laughed and switched the ignition on. They were going home.
Cheers,
Hopie

Entrenous : INFINITY : The end

She parked the car and walked shakily inside her home. Deeksha was in the hall. She was gasping for breath. "Ma are you okay? We need to go to the hospital right now, come on...". "Pradhyum..." was the only word she could manage and her knees dropped making her fall on to the sofa. Deeksha ran and brought Pradhyum. "Ma, hospital, now" he commanded with love. She shook her head. Deeksha made her mom rest on her lap and held her head. Pradhyum was sitting on the floor beside her, holding her hand. She held both his cheeks in her hands and looked deep into his eyes. The long lost love came gushing into her heart. As she closed her eyes for one last time, she felt what mathematicians always failed to explain and what the spiritualists explained with perfection. Infinity.
THE END.
Cheers,
Hopie

Entrenous : SKY : Part 5

Twenty five years passed since Krishna had left them. Deeksha was now Deepthi's life and soul. Deeksha had completed mechanical engineering to take after her parents and she was working with Ford. And Pradhyum their neighbour. He was two years older than Deeksha and working at PWC. His parents left for the US five years back and he refused to move with them. How familiar thought Deepthi. She noticed those little winks, the texts between them in front of her and those wordless conversations. Their love for each other simply radiated yet Deeksha had not disclosed this to her mom. Time was running she thought. She wanted to settle things between Deeksha and Pradhyum. The sharp pains in her chest had started a year back. She had two unfinished tasks. Deeksha and....
She had fixed an appointment with Frontier for later that evening. She would go alone and drive. She needed to feel the engine. She dressed up and left for the hospital and went straight to the opthalmology department. She went to the records division and stood in front of the receptionist. "My name is Deepthi Krishnan. My husband's eye had been transplanted twenty five years ago. Krishnan. His ID is 20152428... Can you give me the address of the recepient please". Technology had grown so much in twenty five years. Information was only a click away. The clerk printed the information on a piece of paper and gave it to her. She was so overwhelmed - as she was only a step away from meeting the eyes that made her live so long.
She took the paper and left. The sharp pain in her chest was slowly increasing and she began to sweat. She had to make her choice and she knew there was time only for one of her tasks.
She got into the car. She was so used to the voice in her GPS device. As the engine whirred into life, she looked at the sky through the windshield- a faint rainbow. She made her decision then. She switched the GPS device on and clicked 'Take me home'.

Entrenous : FIRE : Part 4

It was their third wedding anniversary. Time had flown like magic. The same morning, she had found out that she was pregnant. Krishna had gone for work the day before and hadn't returned. It always happened before the visit of the leadership. She hated it. She had fixed an appointment at Frontier for later that evening. She was practising various combinations on how to tell Krishna the happy news. As she was cooking lunch, her mobile rang. "Is this Mrs. Deepthi Krishna?" "Hm" "we are calling from Frontier can you come over right now?" Before she could clarify her appointment was slated for the evening the man had hung up. It sounded like an emergency she thought. She switched off the stove and immediately left. She went straight to the reception and announced "I'm Deepthi Krishna, I got a call...". One of the attendants immediately rose from her seat. "Mam could you please follow me?". Deepthi walked behind her trying to keep up the pace, a slight fear began to creep in. Her fear increased multifold as the attendant walked into 'casualty'.
"Mrs. Deepthi Krishna? There has been an accident. Your husband has suffered a head injury and we are not able to save him. I'm sorry" said the doctor. She didnt know which emotion was stronger - sorrow or anger. Unable to stop the tears from coming she said "Take me to him". She immediately took his hand in hers. A faint pulse. His eyes were closed. She rested his head on her right arm like cradling a baby. She wanted to tell him a million things. Everything else could wait. She lifted his right arm and brought his palm slowly to touch her stomach. As his palm was half way in the air, krishna breathed last. She held him close to her feeling the last warmth of him. She cuddled him weeping like a child, thinking her heart beat would give him life.
Her thoughts raced back to how they had fallen in love, how spontaneous it was and their wedding. Three golden years of happy memories. "Mrs. Krishna ?" "Yes Doctor" "Im sorry for the loss. I pray to God to give you strength. At this moment I have to ask you something. Mr. Krishna had pledged his eyes with us. We have a baby needing it right now. Can we?" His eyes. How they always seemed to know what she wanted. "Yes Doctor, please go ahead". His eyes would live on. Strong the woman she was, she wiped her tears and engulfed the reality ahead of her. She informed his parents and they were to take the next flight. She could not bring herself to referring to him as 'the body'. Krishna would be home for the last time.
She made all the arrangements by herself. Her father in law would do the cremation. She insisted she would go with them. As he set Krishna ablaze, she had second thoughts of jumping into the pyre. And then she realized she was not alone. Her little krishna was living inside her.

Entrenous : WATER : Part 3

"So if your parents arent coming down, who would get us married Krishna?" Questioned Deepthi. "Us" he replied. "Let us get married by ourselves". "Oh, but I've always thought of a dream wedding. Like the dreams of Andal". He looked at her fondly. "I can manage something of that sort Dee. But I have one request." "Hm?" She said and looked at him pushing the hair from her face away. "You shouldn't go to a beauty parlour. I love you for who you are so you have to just come". How lucky you are Deepthi she thought. "Krishna I have to tell you something... you wont hate me right?". "I cant guarantee, I'll try" winked krishna. "I dont know how to drape a saree" she said matter of factly. "Wear what you want Dee. I love you. Tell me again, will you marry me?". She stroked his cheek and climbed into her shuttle.
Their wedding date was decided by her tailor - the day after he gave her Chudidhar stitched. They both had decided on wearing white. He said the complete wedding plan was a surprise and as the day got closer she got more and more curious. On wedding day morning, he came over in his X5 to pick her up. He was speechless. She was looking so elegant in white. Her hair, as always, was dancing with the wind. She was wearing a small diamond pendant and earrings - the only ones that were not sold by her mother. "I thought you wouldnt come Krishna" she smiled at him as she climed into the big machine. She kept asking a thousand questions which he remained silent for. They drove through ECR and when he took one of the lefts, all her questions were answered.
The man owned a private beach. They got down from the car and his security greeted them with a bouquet. There was a covered walk, with a hemispherical ceiling of nearly opaque glass. The embedded spot lights gave the impression of walking through the sky. She held his hands in awe and tried to capture every moment in her head. The sides of the walk were decorated with strings of multi colored flowers. Puramengum thoranam she recollected. Great going Krishna. As they walked she seemed to focus on a sound that kept increasing in magnitude. They reached the end of the tunnel and she realized what was causing the sound. Waves. There was a small wooden platform where the waves met the sand and both of them sat down letting their feet hang. The waves caressed their feet every now and then. He held her hands. "Erm arent you going to tie something around my neck?". "Dee, Dont you remember the verse? Andal never got one". "So where are the thousand elephants oh learned one?" "My dear Deepthi, this is not about us living someone's dream. This is our special day and lets do it our way" and he jumped with a plop into the sea. He held his hand for her to join him. She ignored his hand and jumped by herself splashing water on his white dhoti. The sky was dark and there was lightning. With thunder playing the wedding drums, with the waves chanting a blessing hum, they stood looking at each other holding hands as a light drizzle pronounced them man and wife.

Entrenous : WIND : Part 2

Her guts. He found it irresistible. Perhaps it comes from having to be with men all the time. He couldnt take her thoughts off his mind. She was great at work. Her findings always reflected her passion and she seemed to find innovative solutions to problems. Her presentations were crisp and to the point mentioning things only that needed to be. He was going to ask her out. Not because she was good at work. Because he wanted to spend time around her. It was past her shift time, 830 p.m. She shut her laptop down, switched the light above her seat off and walked down the five floors of stairs that she always did. She felt a little tired from work and her laptop was bringing her shoulders down. "Hey Dee..." called a familiar voice and she looked behind. "I have already sent the analysis you wanted. It should have been delivered...". She tried to avoid his eyes as they always drilled into hers. "I was wondering if you would go out with me". Was this man mad? She thought. She could no longer avoid his eyes. Even in the dark it was magnetic. And as usual, she got lost in it. He waved his hands across her face "hello....! What happened...?". "No i was just wondering if you knew the crisis hot line number. So I could report you". She turned and paced towards the shuttle. A wide grin on her face. She hoped he couldnt see the grin spread to her ears from behind and danced into the bus. She did believe in love but she didnt believe in going out, exchanging gifts, those ungodly hours of phone conversations and all the drama around it. Was he man enough to accept it? She would wait and see. If not, perhaps he was not the right one for her.
Why is she playing so hard to get? Or perhaps there is something else in her mind? He wondered. It was year ending and they had a set of deliverables unachieved. They spent night and day and accomplished them all. It was new years eve. Their team was making the annual report and the boss had promised them midnight tea after. There was a mobile tea stall right outside their factory. All of them walked together and the smokers split. Only both of them were left out. There was a moment of awkward silence and he broke it. "So why didnt you report me? I never got a call from the legal office...". She coughed. Cornered. Busted was more like it. "Erm their line was busy...". Wouldn't he look elsewhere and talk? Why does he always have to bore my eyes? It was 5 minutes to new year. The smokers were smoking their way to glory. The radio jockeys were couting down. The cold December breeze was blowing against her hair. She tried to tie it but it kept coming out. "Will you marry me..?" he asked. This time she sprayed the tea out of her mouth from shock. She kept the cup and saucer aside. Fire works in the sky. A million sparks above. The New Year had dawned. She would face his gaze now. Her eyes instantly welled up and she took both his hands in hers. It was warm. "Yes". He was her man now on.

Entrenous : EARTH : Part 1

"Hi I'm Deepthi. You can call me Dee. A chennaite through and through. After having rendered my services to the previous organization for ten years I decided I should move. After all, I should give the other companies some opportunity too..." a light chuckle spread around the team as she delivered her first words at St Gobain India inside the project management office. He looked at her without a wink unable to hide his appreciation for the sheer cheek of hers. How could one describe her looks. Thin. Frail was more like it. Her face was filled with dried remains from her teenage. The ill fitting ten pocketed khakhi shirt and the gray cargo pants suited her well. Her complexion was medium. She was not at all good looking. But there was something mysteriously attractive about her. Perhaps did her self confidence trigger the butterflies in his stomach? He was not sure. He jumped from the meeting room table so his safety shoes made a loud thud on the tiled floor and walked to her. "Welcome to our team Dee" and shook her hands. Rough from the ten previous blue collared years but warm.
"Oh my God would this guy let my arm go or not?" She scowled in her mind. He was her boss. Krishna. Youngest vice president at SGI. Tall, fair, wavy hair, uniform altered to flaunt his well groomed physique. He was good looking no doubt but there would be a lot of arrogance to accompany it. She should be careful with him. Although this took over most of her judgement of him she simply couldn't resist his eyes. They were not of a fancy color but they were sharp. And piercing. Thankful that he finally let go of her hands, she picked her notes and walked to her seat. She immediately switched her laptop on, switched her BlackBerry to silent and oriented herself into the dozen task requedts she'd received.
He looked at her from a distance. He knew her bio data by heart now. She lost her dad when she was five. Her mother struggled and made her an engineer and died eight years back. Since then Deepthi has been by herself. There comes her aura of independence he thought. He was independent too. His parents, both doctors had moved to the US right after he graduated. He simply refused to move with them. His thoughts came back to work and immediately he became engrossed. He picked his BlackBerry and walked towards the water filter checking the new emails that came in the last minute. He picked the paper cup without removing his eyes from the screen. Something was holding the cup. He looked up and it was Deepthi who was staring at him inside out. If only looks could burn he would have been a heap of ash by now he mused to himself. What was it that was attractive about her? He failed to find an answer still digging deep into his thoughts. "I think we're paid to work not play tug of war with paper cups" she said. "I will let you win Dee" and he let go. She placed back the cup in the filter and gave him a stern look. "I like to play to win not to be let to win" and walked away.

A new age love story

His hair was always well oiled and combed to the left. He wore dark rimmed glasses. One couldnt say if he was tall or short by looking at him. Who cares? He thought he was tall.  He was a geek. He knew it not by looking at himself in the mirror but by the way his gang (or how he liked to call them) ridculed him all the time. All through the day. He didnt care. Cause he forgot everything when he merely looked at her. She was tall and fair. Her hair was neatly tied in a bun. She always wore bright colored clothing. Oh and he couldnt name half the colors that she wore. He made it a point every day to memorize those colors.
He saw her everyday. She would walk past where he sat precisely at the same time. She smelled of fresh green grass after the rains. How he wished at least one day she would come here. No. It wasnt going to happen soon. With this wish he bought a rose plant at home. He would faithfully water it everyday with the silent hope it would bloom soon. And it did. The bloom was white. The mere sight of it reminded him of her. He would give it to her that day. The day everyone gave roses to their special someone. And utter those three words. Four he planned - he would also address her.
Days passed and D day was getting closer. He was getting tensed. He would practise every day in front of the mirror sincerely. Would she laugh at him in front everyone? He should be strong he kept telling himself.
The day before and he harvested the most beautiful bloom ever. He plucked it and kept it neatly in a vase to present it the next morning to her. Would he be able to sleep through the night?
Morning came and he walked straight to the rose plant out of habit. The sight he saw was unbearable. The plant was completely uprooted and shredded into pieces. His heart broke and his eyes welled up. Was this a sign? The perfect rose was already there. He wouldn't give up now. He packed as usual and left. He waited for her to walk in. And she did like clockwork. He gathered all his might, picked the rose from his desk and walked to her. He gallantly handed over the rose and delivered the well practised verse. Khappy teechus day miss. His face broke into a smile and he danced his way into kg1b.
Go ahead and strangle me. Or perhaps am already dead.
Cheers,
Hopie

My story: Of ICSI, IVF & 2ww

It was the month of May 2013 and it began. The daily visit to hospital, those blood tests, the scans and what not. Two things were  interesting for me. One - that I was trying to learn all the medical jargons around this. And two - the yummy breakfast at Murugan Idly. Come on. We had something at least to look forward to each day to  brighten our day up. The crucial day had dawned - the day they would collect my eggs. I hadnt asked God for too much. While my batchmates would give me numbers of the mighty 18s and 20s all I asked HIM for was six. My eyes were just opening from the anaesthetic effect as I felt a soft hand holding mine. "How many" I  asked. He slowly retracted his hand from mine. Less than six was the first thought. At least five God? Tears rolled down my eyes as his fingers made a V.
So they would grow our to-be babies in a petri dish and transfer them back to my uterus. The third day as our embryos werent progressing much. We walked into the operation theatre and our to be babies were placed under a microscope for us to see. We were not qualified to deem them perfect. For us, it was an assurance. We could create life. Hold on babies. Mama will take care of you for the next nine months. God willing. The doctor had given us a date to check if it had materialised to a pregnancy. Two weeks of books, TV, music and prayers. Three days before D day, I noticed a trickle of blood. We rushed to the hospital to let them confirm our fears. Negative. Tears. Gallons of them. And not to forget the questions to God. Unanswered as always. We decided we wouldnt give up. We would fight. We would try again in three months when my body was ready. And my mind.
Came October and we were back at the hospital. This time the magic number was four. Hope. Sunlight at the end of the tunnel. We went home happily with four embryos inside me. Every day I would talk to them. Of how dear they were to us. Of how much we would try to take care of them. Of how much they meant to us and all of us around. And the truth. Of how reckless parents we would be. As each day passed I found myself getting more and more attached to them. There was life inside me. Four of them. D day came. I wouldnt go to the hospital. We had them collect my blood. It would be prem and my mom. The longest three hours of my life. I still remember I was watching Mission Impossible 2. Did I miss the irony? My phone rang. It was my mom. Negative.
I disconnected the phone and broke down. Agony. This time I spoke to my should-have-been babies. Did you not believe in every word I said? Did you think I would not live up to my words? Did you feel my promises were false? Or did you decide I was not worthy of you. Whatever you felt mama will try to understand you some day. But today is difficult. Because I am full of pain. Not from the 54 injections that I took to keep you strong but because you chose to desert me. And leave us alone yet again.
We decided to take a years break and go for a donor egg. I didn't care what the others said how it wouldn't be our baby. It would be ours. It would be mine. It would grow in my womb. I would nurture it for nine months. To say we had let go would be an exaggeration. Cause to let go is to be valiant. And that we were not. We understood how infinitely insignificant we were in front of HIM and we decided to bow. To give up. To surrender. To succumb. Cause we no longer had strength in us to fight. 
I well up when I write this as the scar remains. Dear God, you give us the strength to fight and at the same time the power to give up. Like I pray to you every day, please let go of your fight with six special women in my life. With June. Param. Arch. Dee. Sowmya. Chloe. Who hide their pain from emotional pricks and sport a smile. Not just because they are special to me. Because any case you win. And mainly because they have fought enough.
Cheers,
Hopie

B&M : my story: Coping up with infertility

So my story begins here... it was six years ago that we got married. Well almost. A beautiful wedding, a romantic honeymoon and we immediately got into the grind. We had decided to have kids only after sometime for a lot of reasons. Our first mistake was we did not announce it on NDTV or in the newspaper so people could know. Life would have been a lot easier then. I still dont understand what difference it makes for people if we have kids or not. A thousand questions and how I wished I could have answered them. Two months into my marriage  (trust me I was still a virgin then) and came the first question. "Ive learnt the mantra from kunti and waiting for the sun god to bless me since biologically it is impossible right now". We started practising birth control and then again. "I heard that condoms were 99% effective and unfortunately we dont fall in the 1%". How i wished i could have given them those answers. Years passed and we decided it was time. And it wasnt working.
Every month as my period came it was hell. Not to mention the urine pregnancy test that faithfully returned a single line like forever. I used to wonder if at all the second line in those sticks ever glow dark. We were getting stressed as each month passed. Every time I tore a month off our calendar, the darkest question kept repeating in my mind. My biological clock was counting down. We decided to get us checked. And then came the question again. This time it was from a creature at work. "No we dont plan to. We're going to have a DINK life. Double Income No Kids. Oh im sorry to disappoint you, were you planning to baby sit and bring my kid up?". How I wish I could just slap those people right across their cheek. Then came the tests. A million pricks. A zillion scans. IUI. Three of them. What was painful was not the prick or scan but the two week wait. I started seeing more pregnancy symptoms than ever. Thanks to google that gave me an online test and pronounced me pregnant every time. Yet it didn't work. My period would faithfully come. It was August 2012 and we decided to go for the next round of investigations. In December we had the death verdict pronounced upon us. It was me. I didnt have enough reserve eggs and my hormones were heading me towards a menopause. My eggs were reducing with each period. Then came the thousand questions to God. I broke down in front of the doctor. He was kind enough to console me and bring me back to normal. And then he gave us our options. We needed time. We were born in a land where AIDS is a lesser taboo than infertility. We would fight it together. Win or lose.
It is strange that painful times brings people closer together than ever. We decided we would take a break for three months and just forget about everything. Three months we would just live our lives around each other. Beautiful times. How much I realised I had been missing to notice what I have. How much I had missed to see how blessed I was. The much lost oblivion was back in our lives. The question kept popping up but I didnt care.
And again the time came for us to make a decision. We could not accept adoption as we were not sure how our families would take it. Like others say, I dont think adoption is a noble act that we do. It is in fact the kid who is being noble giving up the environment it is used to. Just so to light up our lives. We could not convince ourselves that everyone would treat the kid well. We did not want to cause trauma to a kid. And add to our karma. So IVF it would be. We would try with my own eggs. Or rather what was left of it.
Today it is easy for me to look back thanks to God. But the scar is unhealed. The questions remain unanswered but the human in me mostly forgets this. But not completely. Perhaps one day everything would unfold. Or not.
Cheers,
Hopie