Journeys: Episode 11

KP

"Hey KP, shall we go and get the kids? Food is ready". She holds my hand and we walk up the stairs. As we climb the stairs, we hear muffled voices coming from the room. Tara asks me not to make noise and she seems very interested to overhear what the kids are talking. I really want to bang my head on the wall because I'm so hungry and the last thing I want to listen to is a couple of tweens talking. She nods her head and enforces that I shouldnt make noise. Ok fine. Lets eavesdrop and have fun. Meanwhile let me just pray that my daughter doesnt find us here.

"...and it was me who placed the block in his way. I just want to say sorry to him". I look up at Tara and she makes a K with her hands. Okay that was Kathir talking. I raise my eyebrows and she mouths confession. Erm what exactly? Are these the kind of games kids play these days? What happened to good old Ludo and Scrabble? "Okay Shrav, you next" "No Kathir, Adi is next" "no wayyyyy" the boys pounce at her. "Ok ok. Let me speak. Just promise me you shouldn't tell anyone?" And then we hear the sound of palms hitting, the promise was sealed. "I want Amma and Appa to be happy and together with me. I really miss Appa. I have a very old picture of mine, taken at the beach, with one of my legs on appa's feet and the other on amma's. I cant find any more pictures of all of us together. I dont know why we cant be together. One day Amma told me Appa will move to a different house and I can visit him when I want to. I dont know what happened, but if I have made this happen, I want to say sorry to Appa and that I want him back."

I wanted to run into the room, but Tara held me. She shook her head. She was right. I cant break her trust yet again. Im sorry Shravya. There's a prolonged silence inside the room and Kathir breaks it "hey Adi, you next" my mind is blank. I dont want to listen to anything else. I just want to go back to my fortress, lock myself in and be the dead man I am. "Erm... i have not spoken about this to anyone. I really need both of you to promise me you wont tell anyone" again some sounds and rituals were being performed. Adi's voice is so low, i can hardly make out what he's speaking. "Kathir, I want to say sorry to you. I dont know what you are to me, from the time we were born, I'm used to you. Sharing toys, food, clothes, bed, a room... i always thought, i will never have to be without you, that you will never leave me and I will never leave you. I thought amma appa had made a promise to God that both of us will be together always and we have to fulfill it. I want to say sorry to you Kathir, because I attempted to break that promise. The other day, at the mall, I didnt trip and fall. I jumped". My heart is running fast now, and my breaths shallow. I dont have the guts to look at Tara now, I just look down and hold her hand tight, as though the strength from my palm would reach her heart.

Journeys : Episode 10

Before you start reading this, imagine me performing a Produnova routine in celebration! And most importantly, thank you so much for travelling with us :)

KP

I pack my bags as the Maghrib prayer sounds. I need to go to Hridhay's place for dinner. Today has been heavy for me. One of the longest conversations I've ever had with my boss as to why I need to go. In the end, we just agreed to disagree that this was the best place for me. I am going to work for six more months, train the next person who comes by. I really want a break before I move to Atlanta. I dont know what I'm going to do by myself, but I really need it. Maybe a couple of trips, and some volunteering work here. Today is just not the day to make any plans. I need to stop thinking and start the car now, because I have to pick Shravya and go to their place. Shravya sounded really excited to be meeting Adi and Kathir. I'm a little worried because Adi has huge stitches running along his head, his hair shaven, and this is going to be hard on her. But I've always felt Shravya is beyond her age. I can never come to terms with my baby turning into an all grown up girl.

We reach at seven and we are welcomed by Kannamma. She's a pleasant looking woman, and she's one of those people whom after you see, you feel your heart lighten. She folds her hands together to greet me and I do the same. She strokes Shravya's hair and immediately she asks her "I want you to read all the books you read to Adi and Kathir". She laughs. Tara comes down to greet us, and Hridhay is no where in sight. "Hi Tara, where's Hridhay?" "He's stuck at work, he's going to be late" oh no. I was looking forward to talking to him. It had to be this way, aint it? "Oh okay!" "Shravya, you can go up to the boys room and do whatever, do you want juice?" "No aunty, I'm good" and she sprints upstairs.

"So how's Adi?" "He's healing. There are a lot of things. His physical injuries that need to heal, by God's grace they are. The trauma that he has been through, he needs to be brought out of it. The doctors have put him on medication. They've said we cannot start any therapy now, we need to wait. Sometimes he's the most cheerful guy home, making all of us laugh, and sometimes he goes so silent that no one can get to where he is. Even Kathir is not able to reach out. That is what amazes me." "I think for now, there are too many things for all of you. We just have to trust the doctors and hope once the physical injuries are healed, we can get someone to talk to him. More than that, you need to recover too" and I look at her eyes.

She looked lost somewhere. Most of the times, all of us take mental wellbeing for granted. We squirm, we debate to reach out and seek help. My respect for Hridhay grew bounds when we had this conversation at the hospital, how he put his foot down and said Tara will take counselling no matter what anyone else says. Whenever I see Tara and Hridhay, its more natural for me to compare their lives with ours. These days, I can easily find why their marriage worked and ours didnt. Simply because they have a life between the two of them, of respect, of love, of conversations, of decisions outside the kids and that is something that we lost somewhere. And perhaps that makes all the difference in the world.

Lemuria of our home

So yes. Its out. Official. The Lemuria islands have been discovered by T1 & T2. And its right under our dining table! Welcome to our home, where our dining table is used for everything except eating. Underneath our dining table, is a world where no one can dare enter. One needs to observe constantly to decipher what it represents. If the chairs are pulled out, it's probably an excavator digging out fossils, beware, dont come near, you could be shredded! If the rear chairs are out, then its an SUV.

If you enter the table from under, then yes thats a new world. Its an air plane. If you enter from right, its Qatar Airways and if you enter from the left, its blue dart and mind you all the Amazon international shipments transit here. Im guessing its a hub. But all I make out from a distance, is that its a cockpit. There are two Ikea containers stacked beside each other, full of toy vegetables and their butts firmly rest on it. There's also a loosely hanging thread, I'm guessing its a seat belt. And they have a piece of cotton stuck underneath their lips, brace yourselves thats a microphone because now T1 is yelling "prepare for take off, fasten your seat belts" for the fourth time in succession. Even before you ask who I am, I am apparently the airhostess who gives gifts to everyone. But only after take off.

I've managed to fasten the seat belt in ky sofa, and now the pilot and copilot are in frantic argument over some of the buttons on the control panel. In few seconds, the argument escalates, and both the pilot and co pilot have thrown away the microphones and started tugging at each other's hair. Has the flight taken off?? Looks like there is a situation and the air hostess needs to attend to it. I break rules before bloodshed happens and run to the cockpit. I try to bend into the cockpit and see whats happening. "Baby whats wrong?" "im not a baby, im a pilot" "ok pilot whats wrong" "this button is the take off button" i squint my eyes to find nothing but grain patterns of wood. "Yes pilot" "no ma its the music button". This is T2 the co pilot. I point my finger to a nearby spot and try my best "maybe this is the music button, right here, co pilot" and hands begin to entangle, and my back reminds me that I am no longer designed to fit underneath tables.

The argument goes for a couple of minutes, my back screaming in protest, and finally the co pilot comes forward in his seat. Presses the button. Sings few lines of his favourite song. "See, there's music, thats why its the music button". I wish I could bang my head on top of the table, break it open, and just stand up. "Yes co pilot. Its the music button" agrees the pilot. Like what? Seriously? Did the pilot just buy that? They stick back the cotton (dont ask me with what) and the message plays "prepare for take off". I crawl back to my seat and fasten my belt. Only when I feel relieved that the flight has taken off, the crew disembark from the cockpit, pull the chairs in front, and take four cars out to play. T1 asks the inevitable question "which car are you going to ride now?". T2 immediately takes a broken clip, makes a noise with his mouth, and confirms "my keys switch the red one ON".

We did discover Lemuria, only to find it should be renamed Loony. And yeah, mind your back! (and lose your mind)

Cheers,
Hopie

Journeys : Episode 9

KP

Im glad the Eid holidays are over. What a week it has been. With Adi and Tara at the hospital and the Atlanta migration plans. Tara isnt going to be at work for three months. Who will bring breakfast for me? Doesnt she realise? On top of being alone at home, its going to be solitude at work too. Big deal. I need to inform my boss i'll be moving out so he can look for someone to fill my place. My work has been everything for me. A world where I grew up, met people, tried new things and was being encouraged to keep trying although I failed. A world where I was myself. And I have to let it go. The empire I built, or was it a fortress? I always thought that day would be the hardest but strange that life always puts things in perspective for you.

And as for Shravya, everything will have been made ready for the travel. All I have to do is go to the airport, stick my face on to the glass walls and shout goodbye like she can hear it. Why did I become so needless for everyone? I dont want to dwell on that. I have made my choice. I will join them in nine months and probably my life's next set of mistakes will begin there. So I can regret them for the rest of the life that is remaining. Im glad I can shut my mind voice now because I'm ready to go. I just need to find the keys. Oh who's ringing the bell now? "Happy birthday KP..!" And Hridhay gives me a hug. And that instant everything in my mind is cleansed. I clean my eyes to look at Tara and I cant believe my eyes. She's frail, her eyes dark and there seems to be a constant loop running in the back of her mind. "Hey Tara, you ok?" "Yeah. Sort of. Ive been better though"

"How's Adi?" "Dee sent someone to help us. She is going to stay here for sometime with us. Her name is kannamma. She is God sent. She cooks, reads tamil books for the kids and the house smells like home always." "Tara needs to rest. Also she has started going for counselling. We needed someone at home". Looking at them, my problems seem so small. So insignificant. I am so glad Tara didnt have to see Adi shudder in pain every night even without him realising it. And how tears used to roll out of his eyes. I used to hate that Tara had to fall sick at the same time. But then, trauma affects people so differently. For some, its mometary and for some its perennial. I dont know where Tara is but I wish she gets better.

"So KP, come home for dinner. You should meet Kannamma.. and the boys are eager to meet you too. Can you bring Shravya along?" Hridhay is a bright man. He knows what questions to ask. "Yes. We will be there". I lock the door and leave for work. Now is not the time to talk to Hridhay and Tara about my Atlanta plans. I get the engine revving, and yet my legs dont take me forward. Right now, there are more things pulling me backward than forward, and there are even more things that make me want to stay put.

Journeys : Episode 8

KP

I run out of the restaurant, leaving everything behind, only few words reverberating in my ears. I cant believe she hasnt told me about this. Isnt Shravya ours? Should I not be consulted before such decisions are made? I pick out a cigarette from my pocket and try to exhale all the anger within. When was she planning to tell me? After reaching the airport? Or did she plan to call me from Atlanta? I want to call her and yell at her, but somehow I overcome the urge. I cannot lose Shravya. I need her.

One of those situations where I'm caught. Neither can go forward nor backward. I just need to focus. I cannot decide things in haste. Breathe Prashanth breathe. Ok I'm going to call Geetha. "Hey Geetha, I need to talk to you" "im all ears, tell me?". My blood begins to boil, but I need to shut the emotion out. I need a conversation. A proper adult conversation. "I need to meet you, what plans do you have today?" "I'm going out in the evening. Can you come home for lunch?" Home. Somewhere between falling in love and falling apart, the word home just lost its meaning to me. "Yes il be there".

As I tug into her place, familiar smells awaken me. No Prashanth. Focus. Now is not the time to dwell in the past. Its over and you've moved on. Yes uncomfortably over. We can no longer get back, just because her jeera rice and chole smells so authentic. I should probably hire a cook and be done. She opens the door with a normal smile and the house looks cleaner than ever. "Does Shravya even live here?" She laughs at me. We settle down on the couch talking of normal things (in such a normal life we have between us). "So KP. I need to talk to you". "Of course you do. After I call you and fix this, you have to talk to me. You dont have a choice." "Listen KP, Shravya and I are moving to Atlanta. This role is something that I've been after for years, finally the opportunity has sunk in. I applied and I got it. "

I actually want to slap her, but I keep going back to the fact that I came here for a conversation. "So what am I supposed to do? Didnt we agree on a shared custody of Shravya? So how can you just distance me from her?" "OK listen. There is an opening for your profile too. But the thing is the guy is on rolls for another nine months. You can apply and Il give you a referral. You can come later. I can give you the details" "are you crazy? Should I leave my hard earned career here and just come behind you? This is what you always want right?" "See KP, I'm just giving you choices. Up to you to take them."

Choices. Sometimes I wonder if we are ever presented with the right choices in life. I wonder if most times we are blinded by prejudices, of the people around us and mostly our own. As long as everything is okay, there are no questions. The moment just one thing falls out of place kicking a chain reaction, we get reminded of our fundamentals, of the fundamental conscious choices we have made in life. And how obviously wrong they are and they can never be repaired. We have a quiet lunch, exchange some niceties and I get back home. Home again. I open the door and enter into walls of bricks. Nothing to see, no familiar smells in the air, no sounds or conversations to follow, no one to touch me, to tell me that everything is going to be okay, although it may sound very empty. I sink into my recliner, close my eyes and let go of all the emotions I've been holding all these years. I dont know when the tears ceased, but then I found myself looking for my mobile and sending a single text. Il take it.