Journeys : Epsiode 7

Tara

"Do you want to die Adi" I asked again. Tears streaming down his eyes. "Adi, its ok to let go. You cannot be in pain forever. Amma will help you." I look deep into his closed eyes as his eyeballs moved slowly from left to right and back. "I'm gonna go now Adi. I promise I will never let anything happen to you". I walk out of the ICU steady, not looking back, I enter the anteroom to change my clothes, and my legs give away. I drop down on my knees and break down, the junior doctor beside me. After fifteen minutes, I steady myself and walk out of the ICU, I run to Hridhay and sob on his shoulders. "Tara we should talk to the doctor. We need to tell him our surgery plans". We walk to the doctor's cabin hand in hand, our minds reverberating the same thoughts. "Doctor we are here to give consent for Adi's surgery". The doctor gives us a hundred forms, we duly sign them and stand up to leave so I can get back to my own hospital room. And I collapse on the floor.

I wake up, my head feeling heavy, Hridhay and Kathir by my side. I stroke Kathir's hair and he gives a weak smile at me. "Amma I was praying strong for both of you, God has answered all my prayers. Appa I told you, there is God". Pride and gratitude swells in my heart for my boys, one who fought through a fatal fall and the other who lived through all of this. I look at Hridhay with so much love for making our family what it is. The way we pull through the darkest of times brings the best in us. "Adi is gonna be okay. His recovery will be very slow. He has to miss school for a year to go to therapy, but yes he's made it." School was the last thing on my mind. We're all going home. Sometimes in life, the simplest of tasks like going home can be so complex.

Conversations with God

Today being Krishna Jayanthi, I was bombarded with abundant question bullets all morning. "Amma what is Krishna Jayanthi?" "Its Kicha Ummachi's birthday baby" "will Kicha ummachi give me a gift?" Thats a tough one. For A2, irrespective of who's birthday it is, they need to get gifts. "Erm. Maybe not baby" "why amma? No cake too?" "Yes, no cakes no gifts, and its a different kind of birthday". "Amma will he wear a new t shirt?" "Perhaps baby. If he wants to" "amma I want to see kicha ummachi, will he come home in the evening?"

At this point I need to append some philosophy. When you are confronted with difficult questions, what is the immediate choice? And someone said if you cant explain something to a five year old, you dont know it yourself. So who is God? How do I teach faith? As I'm engrossed in my own set of questions, I'm brought back to the present with wails demanding that they see kicha ummachi right away. Dear Kicha ummachi, aint you the one who comes up in times of need? Where are you? "Ammmaaaaaa" they shout. "Baby, just close your eyes and concentrate, you can see him"

Almost immediately both closed the eyes although avyukth was trying to peek. "Baby you can see him only inside your eyes not outside"
Avy : deyy unakku theriyudhaa da?
Aki : ille pa. Nee nalla tighta close pannirukkiya?
Avy : aama da. Enakku vara pordhu
Aki : amma kicha ummachi blue va?
Me : yes baby, thats right
Aki : amma naa paakaren
Avy : amma naanum dhaan

That instant, I get goosebumps. We see what we want to see, if only we believe we can see it.

Aki : dey orange hat aa?
Avy : aamaam. Orange kannadi kooda
And finally they open their eyes and run away.

Where there is willingness to see, willingness to seek, to perceive and to believe, faith begins. Probably.

Thank you Blippi. And oh ya, happy Krishna Jayanthi!

Cheers,
Hopie

Journeys : Episode 6

Tara

My head feels clearer now, but its too cold. Adi baby hold on, I'm coming. I try to focus on my surroundings and I'm at an operation theatre. Why did we go to an operation theatre? I hear a nurse reading a file to the duty doctor and I am able to grasp only a few words. Now I remember, one of my babies stopped moving and they had to perform an emergency caesarean. As I lie down, six doctors are around me, prepared for split second timing, prepared for the pit stop. Something is being injected at my back and I instantly feel the bottom half of my body go numb. Every doctor in the room is focussing on my stomach and the zillion monitors around, but I'm calm. I know this is going to be okay, my babies will be fine. They start the suction and I hear a loud wail. The paediatrician ushers to the baby as the next suction is switched on. I wait to hear a wail but nothing comes by. Only silence. Those moments when mere silence can be deafening. The paediatrician and two nurses come near me and put Twin 1 on my face. "Twin 1, boy". My face breaks into a wide grin as I see miniscule life in front of my eyes, and I spontaneously kiss him. "Twin 2, boy" and they take him away. Kathir and Adi. The light from above, the light of our lives. Somehow I know Adi is going to be fine. I know he didnt move, he didnt cry at birth, but he's going to be fine. After few hours, they take me to the NICU, the mother in me moves to Adi first. His monitors arent beeping and there are no tubes around him, so I know he is fine. I take his tiny hands in mine and I promise, that I would never let anything happen to him ever.

I promise. I promise. I promise. I wake up calmly and look for Hridhay. I'm still with tubes but its silent around, there is only one nurse near me. "Sister, am I ok?". The nurse walks to me and strokes my hair. "Mam your blood pressure has come down to normal, the doctor will come on rounds in a while and you can ask him". I will go near Adi soon and he will be fine. Hours later, the doctor comes by and says I can visit Adi but one of his juniors has to accompany me. I try to steady myself, i comb my hair, wipe my face dry as Hridhay looks at me. "What? Adi cant know im sick!". We walk to the ICU and I change my robes. "Wheres Kathir?" "KP and Kathir just left, they'll be back, Kathir hasnt slept at all". Hridhay cant come inside because of the stupid junior who has to accompany me, but I'm mostly okay. I walk into the first chamber and a doctor comes to me. "Are you Adi's mother?" I nod my head, trying to mute my ears from whatever he's going to tell me. "He's suffered cerebral hemorrhage. Its bad. His organs arent affected, but there is some infection in his lungs. We are treating that. He is in pain, I dont want to hide anything from you. He is in a transient state, he can communicate only by touch for now. We have to observe him for another 24 hours after which you can opt for surgery to remove the clots. I cant tell you what chances he has, the next 24 hours are crucial. Surgery can help him, but you have to decide". I nod my head, a million thoughts gushing into my mind.

I dont want to decide anything, or fix my mind. I want to see Adi, I want to be by him, I want to feel his warmth and I want to reassure him he is going to be okay. A nurse opens the door and I see a room full of machines. Its cold and I see my son, my baby lying down, tubes all over. His head is bandaged, I can still see traces of blood on his forehead and ears. I trace my finger on his forehead and his eyeballs move inside his eyelids. "Amma is here Adi. You're gonna be okay. Remember when you were born, I made you a promise?" His eyeballs settle down in the center of his eyes. I trace my finger along his arms and he lifts his index finger. I hold it and instantly my eyes well up. Guilt fills me. I'm sorry baby I let you down, I'm sorry I didnt keep up my promise. Im sorry Adi. He circles his index finger around mine and I steady myself. Tears rolling out of his eyes. "Adi you're gonna be okay. Just hold strong." His eyeballs move from side to side. "Dont be afraid Adi" and more tears slide down his eyes. Is my baby in so much pain? And thats when the reality came crashing in on me. I dont voice my thoughts to him as I stroke his eyebrows. Do you want to go Adi?

I'm stampeded by a myriad conflicting thoughts. One half of me looks into the future, with my boys side by side, joyful and complete. The other half of me looks at the pain he is in, the suffering he is going through now. Did I give him life? Just because he was in my womb? No I didnt. He chose to come to me. He chose to give me life. So if he wants to go, he will choose so. Yes. I will respect his choices. Im his mother. I kiss him on what little forehead I can see, I put my lips close to his ears and utter a prayer. The prayer we've been used to, the last ten years. There are no more tears in my eyes. I inhale deeply, and ask the inevitable question to him, mother-to-son. "Do you want to die Adi?"

Journeys : Episode 5

Tara

My head feels heavy, my eyelids refuse to open, but I need to wake up. Adi needs me. I try hard again and I can see some blurred images, people scurrying around and warm hands holding me. I clear my head and try to focus again, I see Hridhay. "Hridhay... adi... where.. what... how".. "Tara, the doctors are attending to him. I dont want to hide anything to you, it's not good news. He's on machine support". I close my eyes and try to recollect my son's face. His face ashen and blood gushing out, as though mere pumping blood was too much for his heart to handle. His brows bent in an arch against each other, with questions perhaps? I will answer all of them Adi. Like I always do. Just hold on Adi you're doing great. "Hridhay take me to him, I need to see him". There is some hesitation in Hridhay's eyes. "Tara, you're not okay to go. I cant take you. You're in shock. Your body needs to heal first and there's no way I'm letting you see him at this state". I'm so angry I want to just pull away all the lines around me and run to my son. I want to yell at Hridhay for not letting me go, I want to strangle him or more strangle myself, at my helplessness, my inability to even go and look at my baby. I open my mouth to yell and Hridhay stops me "Tara, Adi needs you. Kathir and KP are by him. But he needs you the most. Rest now. I'll take you in a few hours."

The next few hours are the longest in my life. How many tubes are on Adi? Is he in pain? Can he talk? Can he hear me? I try to shut these thoughts away and try to replace them with good thoughts. I need to focus. A monitor around me beeps and a nurse comes rushing near me. She tries to mute the alarm but it just wouldnt stop. She runs and brings the doctor, he sees me and mutters instructions in her ears, she meticulously fills a syringe and pushes it into my cannula. I feel something gush into my ears, tightening around me, I open my mouth to scream but my brain doesnt act. In five seconds I feel like im floating in air, I feel so light, everything and everyone seem distant. I can be what I want to, where I want to but theres only one thought in my mind. Adi.

I try to pry my eyes open, there is some noise around me. I can hear horses galloping, getting louder and closer. I close my eyes hard and I'm at an ultrasound room. The sonographer is whisking the probe around my belly, constantly checking and rechecking something. Anxiety starts pumping and I have to ask her something "is my baby okay? Is everything okay?". I cannot think of losing another baby. She stops prodding and looks at me. "Mam do you have any history of twins in the family?" My heart leaps a hundred miles at once. "No we don't". "Oh" was the only word she said. What? Im gonna have twins? Hridhay wait till you hear this. Ok Tara, just keep your hopes low. They're still checking. For now I just want everything to be okay. Dear God please let my baby be okay. She walks out of the room to bring a senior sonographer and she looks at the monitor. She places the probe on my tummy and says "mam see your baby, healthy and jumpy". As i look at my jelly bouncing baby, tears of joy roll down my eyes. I love you baby. She moves the probe to another spot and skillfully places it. "Mam this is your other baby, twin 2. You're carrying monochorionic twins." I look at my second baby in disbelief, both looking exactly the same sketch to me. The human in me voiced my thoughts "can you show me both of them at once?" The sonographer laughed. Maybe I'm just one of them to her. One of those who are not satisfied with anything. But to me it was a reassurance, my first baby decided to come back as two. She moved the probe to another location and said "see mam, the chord splits here and goes to two fetuses in the same sac." I dont see anything that I can comprehend. Except two little spots vibrating in union, in perfect harmony with each other, telling me stories, teaching me miracles happen.

My head feels lighter, I try to open my eyes and another vaccum hits me, closes in on me, pushing me into a cold dark abyss.

Journeys : Episode 4

Tara

Finally we shift to normal conversations, of how hot the weather is and how the food that we ate just moments back totally sucked. We ask for the bill and we're distracted by a voice. "Hey KP, do you remember me?" Of course he wont, he has the worst memory of faces ever. "I'm sorry, you look familiar but I just cant place you right.. I'm sorry".. "No no! After all, we met only once, at Geetha's birthday. I used to work with her. I'm Pooja" I could see clearly that he had zero recollection of her, Hridhay and I just looked on. "...So when are you guys leaving?" The three of us looked puzzled at this statement and KP tried to suppress his emotions. "Erm, I'm sorry, what are you referring to?". Pooja's phone rang and she silenced it. "To Atlanta? Geetha is getting a transfer isnt she? Or are you guys going to stay long distance?" I could see KP's heart make patterns on his chest, his forehead drenched with perspiration. "We got divorced three months back." Was the only sentence he spoke before storming away out of the restaurant. Hridhay and I make some polite conversation with her and start walking out of the restaurant, KP no where in sight. Hridhay runs to the basement while I walk around looking into nearby shops looking for him.

Hridhay calls me in ten minutes "hey. Nowhere to be found. Cant spot his car either. Maybe he's gone home. Or a drive. Lets give him some time for himself. He'll find us." Yes thats true. He will indeed. "Hey Hridhay, shall we go for a walk around the park? The boys will take time anyway". "Okay.. im coming". As I wait for him, I try to trace back to one of the most memorable time we went for a walk together.

Fourteen years back

It was the night before our wedding. We didnt have a fancy destination wedding, our wedding was at a simple wedding hall located in a very narrow street. The street was filled with small plants and creepers all along the sides and it had just stopped raining. It was eleven in the night. I was struggling to remove all the make up from my face so someone could apply several more new layers the next day and my phone lit up. "Hey! Wanna go for a walk?" I begin palpitating at the sight of this text. Neither Hridhay or me are the romantic type nor are either of us the type to take a walk at midnight. But hey we're getting married tomorrow and it is indeed exciting to walk with your boyfriend at midnight! "Coming. Scared". I wait for a reply but it never comes. Maybe hes already there. "Dee" i call out to my little sister and she looks up. "Hridhay wants to talk to me, I need to go out for sometime". She goes out of our room, checks location of all our important aunts, comes back and gives me the go ahead. Yes thats Diya. She would do anything for me. And so would I. We slip out of the room, out of the hall and find Hridhay outside the back entrance. She deposits me to him, slaps herself hard on her forehead and walks back in. We start walking and the conversations begin to flow. Not about our life ahead, or the places we'll go, or how big our family will be but about today. About tonight and this instant. Of how beautiful the plants smell after the rain, of how the moonlight reflects on the puddles on the streets and our shadows make a silhouette against it, of how the wind hustles us forward hissing promises in our ears, hissing promises of tomorrows as perfect as today. The warmth of his hands on my palm completing me that instant, concealing the promise made by the winds.

"Tara can we walk now?" Shouts Hridhay in my ears. "Sorry sorry, lets go, I was thinking about the walk that we took the night before our wedding". "Hey Tara you know what? We need a break. We need to go somewhere just you and me". "What about Adi and Kathir?" "They can go to Dee". "Very very magnanimous Hridhay. She's going to be very appreciative" "I'm full of such ideas" and he waves his hands in air. "So where do you wanna go Tara?" He puts his hands inside his pocket to silence his phone. "Since you seem to have thought this through, I'm sure youve thought of where too?". He smiles at me, closing his eyes, "Srinagar". I close my mouth with my hands in surprise and shake my head. "Dream" was the only word I could manage. We walk back inside the mall to pick the boys up and as we are about to board the escalator we hear a loud thud. Someone had fallen over, all of us rush. I reach the spot and instant blindness takes over me, blood gushing out of Adi's nose and mouth the last frame my eyes catch.

Journeys : Episode 3

Tara

I take my cycle in search of the boys and to summon them home, we need to leave for dinner. After fifteen minutes of cycling, I find them at the farthest open gym, Kathir messing with the elliptical and Adi sitting down on the lawn. Adi looked a lot better, and I am always at awe looking at what they share. Although I have a sibling, what twins share is just magical, and right from the time they could recognize each other as human beings, they have always been able to cheer each other. "Come, we're going out for dinner " i shout out. We cycle back together, Adi still silent. Hridhay comes home and Adi walks to him and puts his head down. I open my kindle just to give the men the space they need, but i desperately need to overhear. "Pa Aarnav is leaving, he's not coming back" and tears roll down his cheeks. Hridhay wipes out his tears and looks him in the eye. "What matters is not where he is going or that he's not coming back, what matters is the good times you had and those memories. No one can take that away from you right?" Is that good enough for a ten year old, I wonder. "But I cannot have another friend, I just want him, I feel very sad". "See Adi, the best thing is, you did not split on differences, so if both of you are strong enough, maybe years down the lane, you guys can catch up where you left. I have two such friends" Adi's eyes get a little brighter, he jumps to the bathroom and begins to change. We all get ready and leave for dinner.

We reach the restaurant and find KP already there. Hes holding two books in his hands. The boys run to him, gives them one each and walks to fix Hridhay's collar. This is something unique between them, and I think of how KP is used to being held by Geetha and he misses that- he needs human touch and Hridhay is the last person who would give you that. We have a quiet dinner and the boys leave to play at the adjacent play area. There is awkward silence and Hridhay breaks it "hey KP, why dont you start badminton for shravya where Adi plays? Adi adores his coach, and he's very good, would you want to?" KP brings his thoughts into focus "thats a very good idea! This means I get extra time to be with Shrav! Lets do this!" Finally there was some excitement in KP's voice. I felt this was good for Adi too, so atleast a miniscule portion of the void left by Aarnav can be filled by Shravya. "When I think of all the things that happened, I feel I've just been blind to the things happening around me. Geetha becoming more busy at work and distancing herself from me, avoiding holiday trips, more arguments and the times I said we will not talk in front of Shravya and how those conversations got lost, and finally how her mere presence was uncomfortable for me. One minute everything seemed just right, just perfect and the next minute reality comes crashing in. Yes splitting was the right thing, but I miss Shravya so much". Somehow this lost love is beyond comprehension for me. Especially KP and Geetha. I remember how they fell in love, to me it seemed more an instinct, a reflex that they got together- everything was so perfect and getting together was just the right thing. Marriage changes people, some better some worse. But what exactly is better and worse is left to the beholder. Nothing is right or wrong, its one's own perspective. And no one has the right to judge.

Each of us sit down, engulfed in our own whirlwind of thoughts and Hridhay breaks it "KP, I might sound very harsh but you need to look ahead. You have a whole life ahead of you, today is not the end. Think ahead. Not that everything works with our plans but we have to continue making them. You need to move on. Take a road trip, fly around the world, go incognito if you want, but heal and move on". I have many reasons to love Hridhay and one of them is the respect he has for everyone- that everyone needs a personal space, a world of their own where they find peace. "KP, its important you find life for yourself, like what Hridhay says, you need to be at peace. And moreover, it cant be that everytime Shravya comes to stay with you, you keep dreading the time shes gonna leave." I had to say this. We cant always look at the future and sulk at how empty it is. We need joy in our lives and we need to grab opportunities that give us exactly that. He looks at both of us, his eyes getting clearer, he takes a deep breath and holds both our hands tightly. Not at all times do we need words.

Of Vacations, of joy and finding peace

My first memory of a vacation is the time Nithya and I travelled to Neyveli by bus. Alone. I think I was five? Im not sure. But the memory is somewhat intact. The fresh smell of jackfruit, the colorful bubblegums and joojips that we packed, the breeze on my face. I didnt sleep a wink. To me vacations mean playtime with cousins. Although we have a lot of cousins, there were barely any occasion that all of us got together at once. It was always with bits and pieces of them and time with each of them was unique. My vacation memories are filled with cards, cricket, hide and seek, kallu kuthi (srilankan version of hide and seek) and throwball. No vacation is complete without either of these.

As years pass, our vacations have become so different. We want to travel distant places, to see the lands beyond our access, to be enthralled by mystique sights, sounds and smells. To take pictures, to feel accomplished and get back home, eat home food and cuddle in our bed. Somehow, our ideas and needs of vacations change, but one thing doesnt. That a vacation is temporary and we need to get home. Perhaps that is what makes vacations beautiful everytime? That they are short lived?

Our last vacation was one of the most memorable and brought back childhood memories. People. Being with loved ones. With amma appa and nithya under one roof and voila! An entire vacation with them! Kids shuttling to and fro the stairs and making my stairs target an easy one to get. Girls time - although this one was very limited, it is precious to me! The last minute planning and literally running out of the house & boarding the metro to believe this was happening. Meeting my friends and having those conversations that do not go through whatsapp. Trying to look into their eyes and the joy in finding peace. And lastly watching kids grow up and finding joy with cousins.

The world needs cousins and vacations with them. Endless playing and being shouted upon every night to sleep. Mostly playing make-rules-as-you-go games that involve noise, noisy running and noisy violence. When eating is considered a waste of time, and even loo times are postponed testing bladder capacities. To forget that our life exists elsewhere, to forget that this is transient and to live in the present and make most out of it. The last days of cards brought back the childhood memories in me. Of crazy laughing, of screaming, of having tears rolling down my eyes, of forgetting everything else and enjoying the moment.

Maybe that is the best part of a vacation, to create a bubble, a bubble of joy, of perfection, of freedom, of wishlists being striked off, of conversations, of the endless walks, of looking beyond and finding peace in the people we love. The best part of a vacation, is that this bubble needs to be broken, and that the bubble waits until next time we return, and until then, the bubble keeps us going.

Thank you God.

Cheers,
Hopie

Journeys : Episode 2

Tara

I park the car, pick my bags and start walking towards my day. I love my job and I believe I'm great at it. Well except twice. Ok thrice. Ok lets not go there, mostly I'm okay at work. I have a lot of friends at work, too many parallel conversations and amidst all of that, I manage to sneak in some work. I deposit my laptop bag at my seat, login and start walking to the adjacent building to find KP. He's at his desk, both hands holding his head, as though his head is just leaning on that. I tap at his table and he looks up. "Here, go eat, and go home, you're done for today". "I cant Tara, I cant go home, it feels empty without Shrav". Gulp, what do I say? Where is Hridhay when I need him? "Listen KP, you both agreed on this when you divorced and most importantly Shravya is happy this way. I think you need to just move on". He looks at me as though I've uttered a swear word. "Shravs has to come to me, I've practically raised her all these years, she cant just take her away from me". Breathe Tara breathe, you can do this. "KP listen, I know all this is hard on you. Just give it some time. Maybe it gets better. Eid holidays begin tomorrow, maybe you can get a break". His eyelids soften and he gets up from his desk. "Give me my breakfast, I'm starving. " and storms away. I walk back to my desk and get engulfed into another world for the next eight hours.

I shut down my laptop, wish everyone and head to daycare to pick the boys up. They must have already planned what to do the next two weeks, and no complaints here, I am glad someone is planning things for us. It seemed as though they had just sprang into adulthood while I blinked my eyelids. Kathir loves to cook and he has the eye for details. Adi plays badminton and talks endlessly, all he needs is something the shape of an ear. Both of them love to paint and our house is full of their masterpieces. Well including the walls and doors. I stop by, keep the engine running and get them, both of them are seriously discussing the future of Indian Badminton. Surprisingly it's Kathir who's doing all the talking and not Adi. "Hey Adi, whats up?". I try to look at him in the rear view mirror and he's cleverly avoiding my eyes. "Nothing Ma". Kathir grabs the opportunity, "Ma, Aarnav said he will not be coming to school after Eid. His father got transferred to Singapore". Aarnav, his best friend and most importantly his doubles partner. Their left-hand right-hand combination worked perfectly every time. Sometimes I wonder if I should try and make friends with the parents, but it never worked. If only I had, I'd have known this coming and maybe prepared Adi for this.

We reach home and the boys scrub and go out for play. I call Hridhay "hey, when are you planning to get back?" "Another hour, lets go out for dinner". Ohhhh i hate going out for dinner especially during holidays because the crowds are inhuman. "And hey, I've called KP too. He sounded terrible, we need to cheer him up". Oh yeah? It seems more to me that Ive been 'called too', not KP. I have half a mind to sulk. Why should things always be so complex? I mean cant life be the simple wake up-eat-work-eat-sleep routine? Oh and yes find love blah blah. "Hey Tara, cheer up, its KP, its okay. We have all the time to go out" and he hangs up. So I have to stress, for Hridhay, its not just "its KP" its "ITS KP" and some day during our life, probably I'l come to terms to accepting him as inevitable in our lives. Only, its not now.