Who am I?

I am not an obedient daughter that I am defined to be, I rebel many a times, sometimes without reason, sometimes quite pragmatic, sometimes in between; 

I am not a benchmark mom that people glorify me to be, there have been days I have given up not knowing what to do, not knowing what is right, somedays knowing what to do and just not been able to;

I am not that sister that comes with a tag, there are days of silence, days that I have failed in what I should have been;  

I am not a true friend, I have my insecurities about being loved too much, about being trusted too much, about having not been able to give enough when needed, that most of the times makes me wonder;  

I am not a dutiful wife, I believe in space, in different definitions for togetherness, in different dreams, in different vows; 

Then who am I?

I am my blemished past, those nights that I stay awake & most of the days try just try to get up from bed; 

I am the faulty decisions I make, not because I want to fail, but because I want to be independent and try,

I am the freckles on my face, that I can only wish them away,

I am my body, of too broad shoulders, of being lanky & of hair that simply wouldn't obey,

I am also my confidence, that makes me wake up the next day & takes me forward,

I am also my will, that despite failing a myriad times, never am shy of trying all over again,

I am the choices I make & the way I stand by them despite failing, 

I am my heart, that loves too much, gives too much, tries too much most of the times, not because it is needed, but because I want to,

I am my dreams, maybe to unrealistic, too overboard, too radical, too revolutionary, but heck that is what dreams are meant to be, to me

I am a manufacturing defect, not striving to be perfect, but just trying to find little purpose

I'm not a daughter, not a mother, not a sister, not a friend, not a wife. I am me, I am myself, having an identity independent of everything else. 

Cheers,

Hopie

The women who make my life

*NB: this is not a women's day blog. please believe that it is utterly coincidental i'm writing this today*

I remember, at the NICU, the sisters always start the morning briefing to doctors like this "baby of Vidhya, Twin 1, 21st day of life". Day of life. During those times, every morning, I found the phase so powerful. Two things, the struggle that was yesterday was behind us & this instant started a new day, of hope. This instant, there is life. Copying a very stale forward message, more than counting my years of life, there have been special women who added life to my years. Ok lets make this crispy and short. And here goes. 

1.  Fruit Salad Women - so these are the ones who add all kinds of tastes to your life - like this midnight friend, shopping buddy, longest conversations, ugly language fights & yes massive discussions on porn

2. N95 Mask Women - these are over protective basically, checking if you reached home, and these women basically smell you, you think they're silent and the instant something is wrong, they appear out of thin air, like what?? 

3. Champagne Women - these are the ones that have been with you far too long that you don't even remember a life without them. (and they know your ugly secrets and you cant even ditch them off, beware) 

4. Social Distance Women - interesting people, they are always watchy of their boundaries, but once you maintain them, they are super fun. Awesome laughs, walks, talks, sharing sabjis or jamuns they cook (be grateful and wash the dabbas clean)

5. Rainbow Women - people who touch your lives for a short while, yet leave a lasting impact. perhaps because what you shared in the short while was too deep & for some reason you had to go separate ways. Note to self: instead of just looking out for rainbows, just be a rainbow to someone. 

6. Vaccine Women - like the different ones you call for your different kinds of (lousy) moods.  seriously, is there a vaccine for PMS? is anyone listening to this?

7. Sabbatical Women - you've not spoken to them for a while (like fifteen years) and you meet & the conversation continues just where you left it, fifteen years ago. No awkward silences, no talking about the weather, and definitely no parenting talks. 

8. Petrichor Women - there are some of them who are always fresh, always smiling & the moment you actually enter their aura, you feel basically light and cleansed. Looking at them, you realize, there is hope. 

And lastly : 

9. The Boundless Wave Women - basically the endless sea, the ones you coexist with practically, the ones who inspire you by simply being, the ones who are always at the other end, the ones with whom you feel infinite joy, their battles are yours, your tears are theirs to hold, the shoulders that just stay there for you to lean, and you have your arms outstretched in case they need a hug. An unspoken bond, I cant give a name and box this, but I know for sure, they are boundless. 

In case you are still reading, thank you for inspiring me by being you, thank you for all the love. 

So, what am I to you? 

Hugs - Hopie