New Year

It was about 2000hrs, New Years Eve. I was sitting lazily and wondering what productively I could do at the moment. The immediate answer that came up my mind was to cook. But I was in no mood to eat a square meal. For the first time in my life, I was going to spend the New Year alone. I knew the mobiles wont work after 2330 which left me in a deeper sense of loneliness. Then I decided what I would do for the dawn of New Year – I would think on how to change myself for being a better human being. Let me continue in present tense please – my tense consistency is a fiasco. To narrow down to that, I need to think about all that is important to me in my life. Oh ya. People, people and people. I have a lot of people in my life and I have never been able to call it a day. The net result – I hurt myself in the process when they walk away. What can I do to stop hurting myself? The answer came then. Love unconditionally without expecting anything in return – not even love.

Is it really possible? Ya it is. But the transition is quite steep and painful. I remember during New Year when one of my very close friends had changed her mobile number as she’d lost her old one. I called her new number for New Year only to hear a recorded message that said it was switched off. I called to her phone at home the next morning only to find out she’d got her old number back. Ya it was indeed stupid of me. I should have tried her old number. But still, I felt so hurt and low. Rock bottom is the word. But I managed to keep this from her (come on man, I’m only just transforming). Next time, I’d stop expecting that. Not that I love her any less – the love is intact – but unconditional.

Can I really continue my voyage of life in this lane? Oh yes. I will give my best to. Cause I find a lot of people around me who love me unconditionally – my mother, my sister, my paternal grandparents and the man of my life. I believe that one day I will grow myself to that level. I believe, that one day, my ability to realize my love for people would overtake my impulsiveness to find faults with them and continue to love them like I always do. I believe we are born to make a difference to this world; if not to the whole world, at least to those people who mean the world to us. I believe that if I stop finding faults with other people and instead tell them what difference they make in my life, there would be a little more happiness. I believe, by loving people unconditionally, we can make a difference to them just being what we are.

Hope I live to these words.

Cheers,

Hopie.

??????

As I sit in my chair looking out of the window at the mass of grey clouds that are just beginning to form, myriad questions are popping up in my mind. Numero uno – why am I here? The most impulsive answer that springs up my mind is the slogan of a social welfare organization that reads “I exist therefore I am”. Quite true. But what justice am I doing by being here? The only living being I help is the rose plant that we have at home. Apart from that, I frankly feel I’m making no difference to this world at all - maybe because of my lack of contentment. The last time I went to IIT-m, I felt at home after a long time amidst a hundred plus scholars. That moment, I felt that is where I belong. But what justice am I doing to my company? Not that I’m brilliant or I make things work in a flick, but I know I’m not putting in my full efforts here. And I very well know, that even if I leave this job and pursue a PhD, I’d miss something else. Am I being humane or am I lacking something? There are numerous occasions when I have felt pressurized and broken down to the four walls that surround me. Am I being immature?

Hope time answers these questions.

Cheers,

Hopie.