Celebrating Dr. K!

Its really simple for me to write this post for there is no thinking involved. My thumb merely types my mind instantaneously. A lot of people would know I am not exaggerating one bit. My first encounter with the man was not a good one for he was trying to explain to me what a brain bleed is. I then made a note that I should avoid talking to him for I didnt want to know the million things that could go wrong. Little did I know then what he really was. The human in me (or the pained mother?) took its time. Little did I know how passionate he was in what he did. Little did I know, when he made our boy breathe on his own for the first time, while I held his little left hand and watched him struggle for breath yet cheered him, the man would hold our boy's right hand and watch us in silence and stand by our side. Yes that's him. Dressed in blue with a bright red Littman steth around his neck.
Months after we came out of the NICU, a couple of mothers got together and one of the reason for all of us to get along easily was our mutual affection, respect and gratitude for him. A day would not pass between us without talking about our experiences with him or our goodwill. So nearly a month back we decide to give him a birthday surprise. Imagine what a miracle it is for seven women to agree upon something almost immediately. We had each of us giving in our ideas, planning all the details and executing it with sincerity.
Finally it's D-day. The weather report says rain but we silently wish for it to postpone by a couple of hours and thankfully yay! No rains. We meet at the car park. The early birds (Kalpana and I) walk up the stairs and ring the bell. He opens the door with a bright green t shirt and an even brighter expression on his face. I couldn't fully read if it was a surprise but I can say there was a small proportion of it. As we walk in, his wife greets us with a brighter smile and they immediately carry our babies from our arms with affection.
The rest of the morning was like a symphony. Shreeman anmouncing his entry with his high decibel wail. Aadhira warm and cozy on her father's shoulders. Aadhiran hopping from hand to hand thoroughly enjoying it. Little Veer on his grandma's lap with no clue on what's happening and wondering why was he not back home and tucked in his bed. Akshath transforming into a plaster and on top of it contributing to the decibel levels. Avyukth finding his way under the dining table and posing for paparazzis around.
Chaos. Pandemonium. Havoc. Riot. I could use a million synonyms more but for us the morning was perfect. Those beautiful heartfelt  smiles, those little conversations, the awesome cake, the exchange of affection, those wails in between and the arms that came up to calm, a million good wishes, the silent prayers as the candle was blown, those blushes as he fed a piece of cake to his girl. Perfect yes. Perfect indeed. For whom we celebrated is one in a million.

Happy birthday Dr. K!

Cheers,
Hopie

Scrap book excerpts

Some of us walk, some of us talk, some of us sit, some of us crawl.. although we are so different today, we have one thing in common, your magical touch in our lives. You poked us and we drew strength from it for eternity, you put machines on us and we learnt a lifetime lesson to breathe, you stood by our side not letting go, and today we are here.
Thank you Dr. Karvendhan!

We have penned down only a few drops from the ocean of happiness you have created. You have been with us through the toughest times of our lives, giving us strength every moment - with your patience in answering us and your bright smile. There have been some moments that we had to let go - but together we have drawn strength and we hold on. And what we hold on today is far greater. Everytime we think of our NICU days, our hearts spontaneously fills with gratitude.

We write this wish on behalf of all the mothers, thanks to you, who hold on to their motherhood. We wish you a lifetime of happy birthdays. We pray to God to bless you with a lifetime of joy, peace, and infinite happiness. And to give you the strength to keep spreading the cheer.

How our lives changed from forgetting to breathe to making people breathless and taking everyone's breath away...

We make our own style statements.. starting with OG tubes, saturation probes and leaning towards normalcy with rompers and dungarees

We bear unimaginable pain, we endure extreme limits, yet we lie down patiently and let the miracle workers create magic... we lean on to the hopes of our loved ones and dont let them down... for they know we are diamonds in the making

We roll late, we crawl late, we walk late, we talk late... we do things when we want to and when we are confident... come on, arriving early has been enough trouble as such!

Being born a preemie is fortunate.. for we have far more mothers than anyone can imagine...

Here's a birthday wish to someone whom we cannot forget all our lives.. together, we wish for you all the good things life can offer... a lifetime of unconditional love, years of creating happy memories, months of vacations that would take you where you want, days that bring all your wishes come true, of course the nights of being happily-on-call, hours of candle-light dinners & second shows, not-to-forget the minutes of keeping yourself fit and the ever-radiant smile on your face every second!

Silly weeks #9 #10 #11 #12

#9 strength
No one knows how many rain drops leave the sky, how many get evaporated on the way.. perhaps it doesn't matter. .. what matters is THAT one drop that helps a seed sprout, a flower bloom. .. THAT one drop that quenches someone's thirst. .. THAT one drop that refracts light perfectly to give away a rainbow... THAT one drop that hides someone's tear... no matter how small a drop is, it always makes a huge difference. Lets draw strength from a rain drop! Happy week ahead!

#10 faith
How amazing it is to learn the intricacies of things we deem simple... take a small flower whos fate lies in the hands of an insect... the insect has to get attracted to the flower, to believe it is not poisonous or a trap, feed from it, fly away and deposit the pollen at the right place... so many things can go wrong, but yet, we see in front of us an infinite number of flowers blooming every day... perhaps sometimes we have to take a step back, and put our faith in the unknown insect.. keep the faith, for your flower is in the making.. happy week ahead!

#11 Colours
Let the greenery around give us enthusiasm, let the bright blue sky teach us what infinity is to stretch our wings, let us learn patience from red lights to step back and think, let the yellow sun remind us constantly to be focussed and relentless in our pursuits! A colourful week is here...! Happy week ahead!

#12 Inspiration
From sunlight that finds it's way out of densely packed trees, we learn that with focus we can come out of darkness; from strong winds that blow heavy windmills, we understand that with effort we can move mighty mountains; from a bumble bee that flies, we realise that sometimes ignorance is bliss! Lets look around, draw inspiration and get energized...! Happy week ahead...!

Growing up : Teething woes

So theres always a fight for the same teether and yes dont ask me theres only one of that kind. Lesson learnt. Whenever one of them spots it, the other has to have it too. Today, as the teether lied abandoned, Avyukth crawled to it and kept it in his mouth, the look of a clear winner. Little did he know that Akshath was stalking towards him, waiting for the right moment to ambush. As Avyukth got distracted a little by the noise from the TV, BAM! Akshath had pulled off the teether from his mouth and happily lodged it into his. Smirk smirk. Drool Drool. The second iteration of teether interchange happened but this time a bunch of Akshath's hair was in Avyukth's one hand and the second hand held the magical teether. A third. A fourth. And then I thought perhaps I should intervene. I slowly removed the teether from Akshath's mouth and gave it to Avyukth. Finders keepers. I'm patting myself, elated and thats when the wailing started. Ear piercing. I put Akshath on my lap to console him and try to lure him with a toy camera that glows bright red. In a fluidic motion he rolled 180 degrees and changed to prone... and that second the searing pain made me realize I had turned into his teether!

Whoever said teething woes were only for babies...

Cheers,
Hopie

Utopia : Twilight: Part 3

He watched her in awe as she nursed the baby. She looked so pure and absorbed. He waited patiently at the other side of the tree. "Are you there?" She called out. "Hi there, I'm Vyaas and I'm still at the same place where you left me. Palms outstretched in case you've forgotten". Vanshika smiled ear-to-ear. "I'm Vanshika and my palms are quite busy at the moment in case you dont realise". She finished nursing the baby and looked at her little one, her little Tara. How instantaneously she fell asleep in her warmth. She made her dupatta into a kangaroo hold and tied Tara to her chest, picked her back pack and moved towards Vyaas. He deserved an explanation, she thought. "I want to tell you a lot of things..." she started and he waved at her. "Its not necessary" he immediately responded. "It would make me feel better, can you help me here?". With a lot of reluctance, he agreed to hear her out.
"I was born in Utopia and this place is as comfortable as my mother's womb for me. Our family did not have enough money for my education and right after schooling, I came to work at the estate. I was a rebel, leading all kinds of movements against our management. Some wars we won and some we lost, but our group never stopped fighting for Utopia and its citizens. Nearly a year back, I was packing up stuff to go home when a group of guys surrounded me. I learnt later that they were the owners son and his friends. Six of them started to follow me.
All of a sudden, it went dark and I broke into a run. And lost to them. Lost one thing that mattered so much to me. I had a month of denial, of solitude and refused to go back to work. But then my life was at the estate and I went back to work. A month later I found out I was carrying. My parents asked me to let the baby go, but I couldn't."
She paused as she drew breath. She couldn't control her tears. Would he understand? Yes he would. "You know Vyaas, Krishna didn't come when I called out to him. So I believe Krishna wanted to give Tara to me. No matter how painful it is, Tara was my destiny. How can I explain this to my parents? Now Tara is my morning, noon, night and every breath i take". Vyaas moved closer to her and held her shoulders. "Enough crying. Does your throat hurt?" He asked. "Its been better" she smiled and looked fondly at him. He fished into her backpack, and with the look of having retrieved a treasure, asked "So can you play for me now?".
She knew what she had to play. They moved to lean on the banyan tree and Vyaas slowly removed the Kangaroo hold and held Tara. Vanshika closed her eyes as always and the picture was as clear as ever. Her heart began to play and het flute obeyed implicitly. He was mesmerised and held Tara close to him, he got lost into the song. Theekkul viralai vaithaal nandhalaala ninnai theendum inbam thondrudhada nandhalaala she played with all her love. He placed Tara gently on her lap as the song got over. Vanshika opened her eyes to meet Vyaas's powerful gaze. "Will you marry me Vanshika?" "Yes" and she leaned on him letting go of all the emotions that she had been holding back for the past eleven months.

First touch

Our boys were born on the 16th December. Amidst all the fear, we had faith that the four of us would emerge stronger out of this. I constantly believed that our boys were meant-to-be. We had the first month tackling apneas, bradys, epilepsy, not to forget the anaemia. We always thought breathing was natural to all human beings and seeing in front of our eyes how our little ones forgot to breathe was a nightmare. On the 10th of Jan, we had the cardiologist recommending surgery to close the PDA and this was causing the desats. Perhaps my first emotional break down was then as I let go. I still remember how strong my mom was - she never showed an emotion, for her daughter was in distress. We were open and put our faith completely on the doctors at the nicu and went ahead planning surgery for 12th. Like we had a choice. I still remember how the cardiologist told us it was possible that we lose one or both babies during procedure - a statistic that i successfully hid from everyone around me.
The 12th of jan was an equivalent of a summer solstice for us as our little one (1.4kg then) was wheeled down for surgery. Two hours of prayers, being unable to sit and yet unable to move an inch,  the anxiety that I hid for fear of scaring the others around me. Finally my name was called (mother-of-baby-of-vidhya) on the mike and our surgeon informed us all was well and once he settles down, they would move the other one for surgery. The next surgery was longer and perhaps the longest four hours of my life. Later that evening our boys were safely tucked in their warmers. Yes, I had grown to accept that the NICU was safe territory.
The next night I had the atom bomb dropped on my head. Avyukth's lungs had become plastic and he was on complete ventilator support. He was on high pressures and 100% oxygen input. He had to be given Nitrous oxide and after 33 weeks of being together, our twin boys were moved to two different rooms. On 17th of Jan, a month of wait later, I held little Akshath in my arms. In my palms was more like it. Our first skin touch was magical despite the dripping olive oil and the poking OG tube and etched in my memories.
Avyukth's battle for breath began on the 27th day of his life. For 30 days, he was on full ventilator support. He used to lose energy with the slightest movement. I still remember how dark his room was kept. He was sedated and paralysed so the medicines would take effect on his lungs. We endured three lung collapses and those resuscitations that happened in front of me. Scary yet how tenderly it was carried out by our doctor. How our doctors never gave up on him, and stood by his side. Those nights that passed without words, the pillows that would go drenched. Those days while I sat nursing Akshath in his room while my ears always heard avyukth's ventilator beep. How difficult it was to hold back those tears. I still remember how I used to walk into the NICU every morning hoping there would be no news. After several courses of medicines and finally the brahmasthra - the dexomethasone created the wonder. On the 12th of Feb, his Trachea was free from the tube. The memory remains afresh of how our doctor termed his recovery as "dramatic". Yes he was breathing on his own. On the 14th of Feb, Prem and I put on those sexy navy-blue tank tops, and the not-so-sexy NICU coats, for that was the first day we were both gonna hold our bundle of joy together. He walked into 602 to embrace akshath and me into 603 to hold Avyukth tight and tell him I would never let him go. Ever.
One second. The dexomethasone alone didnt do it. Perhaps the dexomethasone was a mere milestone. We thank our dear doctors and our dear sisters at the NICU, the million prayers from known and unknown people around the world across religions, for making us Kangaroos on valentines day and gifting us with the first touch. And the zillion ones after.

Cheers,
Hopie

Utopia : Dawn : Part 2

He wiped the sweat off his forehead and lifted his face to look around. The sun was glistening a bright shade of gold. The clouds were clear and he gave up the hope of rain. The sun reminded him he had three more hours of work. Today would be the day he would follow the music. The mere thought gave him energy. How genuine the music was. He focused all his enthusiasm on todays work, more to complete the day, for his journey of search would begin.
The work day was over. He quickly washed himself in the stream nearby, changed and looked at the sky that was turning dark. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and began his walk. He looked around and realized how he could never get enough of the greenery. Couple of metres away he saw the bushes move. As a gentle breeze blew, the bushes revealed a million colours - a peafowl had just spread its feathers. For a minute,  he stood there without blinking, and that's when the music began. The peafowl can wait, he thought, and closed his eyes. Venur madhuro renur madhuraha, she played on. North east, his instinct said, and he duly obeyed it.
He broke into a run, for the song was nearly ending, his excitement multiplied as the music became louder as he walked. He reached a place where the tea plantations gave way to open land, with a lone huge banyan tree, and thats where he saw her. She was leaning comfortably on the trunk with her leg crisscrossed and eyes closed. She was dressed in bright blue and perhaps, no, indeed, the peafowl lost to her. She was tall, dark and had well built shoulders. Her hair was dark and long, fluttering with the wind. She had long masculine hands that maneuvered the flute well. He stood there paralysed. The song was over and she opened her eyes and saw him, and broke into a transfixed gaze too.
Finally her call was answered she thought. She walked to him, took his hands in hers and held them tight. A myriad unsaid words, a lengthy unspoken conversation took place as they looked into each others eyes. The sun had nearly set, the birds chirped in unison while getting back to their nests and thats when he heard the cry of an infant from the other side of the tree. She slowly pulled away her arms from his, walked over to the other side of the tree and took the baby from the hammock, in her arms. "Was it time already?" She thought as the baby continued to cry. Perhaps she wondered. She sat down with the baby, leaning herself against the trunk. She let her head rest on the trunk, her best friend. She felt the warmth fill her eyes, as her little 4-month-old daughter nursed from her.

Freelance : Goodbye

Every night as we gaze upwards, our eyes always roam in search of a special star that we seldom find. We were gifted to land sight on one such star. A star that never once diminished it's light, a star that constantly grew brighter sharing it's light around.
Although we did not have a perfect moment to exchange goodbyes, we cannot stop ourselves from going down memory lane. We have seen you create magic in front of our eyes and forever we cannot match the passion you have for saving lives. Those umpteen midnights that we counted upon you and how energetically you came never once wincing. Those moments of light- heartedness in times of need. Those moments that we celebrated in joy while we gifted people with unconditional happiness. Those difficult moments that we had to let go strongly. You were a constant source of strength to us all while long.
Today, its hard for us to accept you are no longer around - for we feel your presence in the myriad lessons that you taught to us.  You are and will be forever - the most special star - the sun - to us. No matter where you go, we would always feel the light and warmth you emit.
No matter what we say - We'll miss the red Littman stethoscope searching constantly to heal. No matter what we say, We'll miss you.
With love from all of us.