Moving on...

To be blogging after almost three years now feels strange.. So, what should i blog abt? Not work, certainly not! yes.. i know what.. the one person who left us this time last year.. my grandma.. i had almost forgotten that my last post was on her and she was very much alive then.. How much of a mom she was to me.. How we used to fight.. how she used to pick every little thing that she used to see (that may or may not be of use) for me.. How much of a difference she made in my life..
one of the things i learnt from her is giving unconditionally.. be it a beggar, a distant relative, a friend, a neighbor or her own daughter.. she just used to give.. and love.. and make her presence felt.. i remember how i flunked physics in college and the lecturer wanted to meet my parents.. my mom said forget it I'm not coming.. so grandma rose to the occasion.. with such charisma she walked into my college and how everyone just admired her..
a year is gone now and i'm still not able to get over her not being here.. i wonder if i ever would.. i wonder if i ever should...
Come to me ma.. i miss you.

Hopie

One-two-three-BLUSH!

The way these old people are made really makes me think where we are.. It was heavily raining that morning and I was just wearing my socks and getting ready for work.. Earlier, our grandparents used to live in the ground floor with my uncle, but now my uncle's family has shifted to the next street.. I'm really happy to have aunty and thathu around.. That morning, in that heavy rain, I noticed my grandma fishing for groundfloor keys.. when i asked her why she needed them, she said she wanted to use the toilet.. At that particular time, both the toilets in our house were free.. I asked her whats wrong, and she replied sheepishly that she doesnt like to use the toilet here when my dad is around.. Suppressing a laugh, I tried to be stern and asked her to use the ones here as it was raining heavily and I didnt want her to climb the stairs.. My dad was jus returning from his morning walk.. she jus looked at him and turned a brightest shade of pink! For a second, she seemed to me like a school kid who'd been asked to sing in front of a large gathering.. She looked down and walked inside.. My GAWD!
How many "takes" do the heroines need these days to blush..
Hope, in the search for women empowerment, we dont lose the woman in us.
Cheers,
Hopie

Back...

After a loooooooooooong gap, am happy to be blogging again. I've been wondering for quite sometime on what to write about.. Recently, two things made a huge difference in my life.. One of them is my laptop.. even though this is helping me pen down my thoughts, i chose to write about the latter.. Hithendrian.. After the doctors declared him as brain dead, his parents decided to make a difference in the life of small girl.. Not just her but her whole family.. They were magnanimous enough to gift their child's ticking heart to someone else.. To me, they made a difference to the whole human being species..
A couple of years ago, in my school, a very ancient tree was almost dead when our school principal decided to transplant another young bark which had to be demolished since the school was expanding.. I still remember the day the first leaf had grown.. Our principal had announced during prayer that the first leaf had come up.. All i remember now, is the thunderous applause... and all of us were shaking hands.. a baby had just passed a heart transplant surgery..
A tree or a human being, to HIM we're equal.. and we're born to make a difference.. I just hope, that all through our lives, we make people smile.. Even though we give money to orpahanges, I hope we tke our time to go there and spend time with them.. And I hope, that all through our lives, we make people around us LIVE..
Hope we stop existing and start living.
Cheers,
Hopie.

New Year

It was about 2000hrs, New Years Eve. I was sitting lazily and wondering what productively I could do at the moment. The immediate answer that came up my mind was to cook. But I was in no mood to eat a square meal. For the first time in my life, I was going to spend the New Year alone. I knew the mobiles wont work after 2330 which left me in a deeper sense of loneliness. Then I decided what I would do for the dawn of New Year – I would think on how to change myself for being a better human being. Let me continue in present tense please – my tense consistency is a fiasco. To narrow down to that, I need to think about all that is important to me in my life. Oh ya. People, people and people. I have a lot of people in my life and I have never been able to call it a day. The net result – I hurt myself in the process when they walk away. What can I do to stop hurting myself? The answer came then. Love unconditionally without expecting anything in return – not even love.

Is it really possible? Ya it is. But the transition is quite steep and painful. I remember during New Year when one of my very close friends had changed her mobile number as she’d lost her old one. I called her new number for New Year only to hear a recorded message that said it was switched off. I called to her phone at home the next morning only to find out she’d got her old number back. Ya it was indeed stupid of me. I should have tried her old number. But still, I felt so hurt and low. Rock bottom is the word. But I managed to keep this from her (come on man, I’m only just transforming). Next time, I’d stop expecting that. Not that I love her any less – the love is intact – but unconditional.

Can I really continue my voyage of life in this lane? Oh yes. I will give my best to. Cause I find a lot of people around me who love me unconditionally – my mother, my sister, my paternal grandparents and the man of my life. I believe that one day I will grow myself to that level. I believe, that one day, my ability to realize my love for people would overtake my impulsiveness to find faults with them and continue to love them like I always do. I believe we are born to make a difference to this world; if not to the whole world, at least to those people who mean the world to us. I believe that if I stop finding faults with other people and instead tell them what difference they make in my life, there would be a little more happiness. I believe, by loving people unconditionally, we can make a difference to them just being what we are.

Hope I live to these words.

Cheers,

Hopie.

??????

As I sit in my chair looking out of the window at the mass of grey clouds that are just beginning to form, myriad questions are popping up in my mind. Numero uno – why am I here? The most impulsive answer that springs up my mind is the slogan of a social welfare organization that reads “I exist therefore I am”. Quite true. But what justice am I doing by being here? The only living being I help is the rose plant that we have at home. Apart from that, I frankly feel I’m making no difference to this world at all - maybe because of my lack of contentment. The last time I went to IIT-m, I felt at home after a long time amidst a hundred plus scholars. That moment, I felt that is where I belong. But what justice am I doing to my company? Not that I’m brilliant or I make things work in a flick, but I know I’m not putting in my full efforts here. And I very well know, that even if I leave this job and pursue a PhD, I’d miss something else. Am I being humane or am I lacking something? There are numerous occasions when I have felt pressurized and broken down to the four walls that surround me. Am I being immature?

Hope time answers these questions.

Cheers,

Hopie.

Yet another day.. but yet so different.

Sunday had dawned. There was one person so much excited at home – my dad. Beyond one point, I couldn’t bear the hype. For every step of mine, he went “cynthu kutti this, cynthu kutti that”. If there’s anything I can’t bear in this world and I can’t share, it’s my dad’s molly coddling. With a lot of pressure mounting up (for both my mom and me), we continued cleaning the floor till my dad said he could see his own reflection there. Totally exhausted, we got ready by ten thirty. (after getting ready, I had to buy coke and acquafina for cynthu kutti). After all our work was over, we sat peacefully and waited. Frankly, I was expecting a girl with jeans, a small T-shirt, loose hair and goggles mounted on her head. After waiting for an hour and a half, we heard the gate creaking. It was them at last.

I excitedly stepped out to get a glimpse of her. And there I saw a girl, dressed neatly in salwar khameez, with her hair tightly plaited (no coolers!). I was shocked (inwardly happy). I couldn’t help feeling jealous as she resembled another cousin of ours. The afternoon went on smoothly and left me in a turmoil of thoughts. What are relations? And what are relationships? Can a relation broken for 23 odd years bloom into a relationship? Or am I being childish and impulsive in expecting that over just one visit? I don’t really know. I took her photograph before she could leave. Perhaps, that would be the only proof that I’d met her. Or perhaps, the only proof that I had another blood relation on the other side of the globe.

Hope God clearly defines the rules of His little games.

Cheers,
Hopie.

The call

It was one of those weekends I come to Chennai. Just before the day I started, my mom made one of those regular post-dinner calls. She conveyed that my perimma (my dad’s elder brother’s wife) and one of her daughters have come from US and would be visiting us over the weekend. This would be “yet another visit” except we’ve never seen my perippa or his daughters – Crystal and Cynthia till date. I had mixed feelings. She was my blood relative, more appropriately saha gothram. Yet so near, yet so far. How should one react to their visit? Do I show all my hatred towards perippa cause he hadn’t bothered to come down for his own mother’s death? I don’t know how he’s treated my grandma all this while but… I don’t really know. Oh yes I know. That there’s more to a mother-son relationship. My sister always says everyone is justifiable in some way..
Hope there exists one such justification…